Quirky five yo with no friends wwyd

[Babieseverywhere]

I worry a lot about my five year old son.

I am 99% sure his quirks are nothing to worry about but I do worry if I should be looking into his behavioural/social issues more closely or just leave well alone and hope that as he matures his quirks will be outgrown.

On the bright side, he is smart, highly affectionate and full of quirks, on the other side, his quirks mean he has no friends :(

Quirky behaviour includes the following.

1. Being very impulsive with climbing, jumping, running and making loud sounds. So much so that at 4.11 years old I had to revert to using reins to control him on the school run. He would run so far ahead I worried that he would end up squashed in the road. His siblings were much easy to walk nicely down the road, with no running. These days I hang around on the playground at school and let him run around for 30 minutes before I even attempt to walk home, that seems to help a lot.

1. Despite the noise he generates. He hates loud noises and will cover his ears with his hands if sounds are too loud. This is logically to my mind, but other kids have pegged this as weird.

1. He calls other people 'humans' and uses them like objects. He'll stand up using another child's head to push his hand up on ! This he did throughout last years reception school play and I was mortified.

1. He is obsessed with computers and in particular one game, which he wants to play with me every sodding day. It has to be the same game, every day.

1. He rarely gets invites to anything, never for tea, on occasion we get an invite to a class wide party and that is all. I have had boys here for play dates and he refuses to play with them. The guest ends up playing with his older sibling, whilst I set up activities and try and get him to interact with the guest :(

1. He has recently started to hit/push classmates three incidents in the last two weeks. I have repeat that he is never to be violent and asked him to count to 10 before doing anything.

1. His comfort item is touching skin. As a baby this equated to sleeping with a hand on my breast. As he matured I have him down to putting his hand on mine or Daddys back. But if he has had a bad day, he tries to put his head under my top so he can cuddle, which of course I have to stop as it is totally inappropriate for the school playground for a five year old.

1. I struggle when we go shopping, assuming he hasn't run off. He spins around, walks backwards slowly or crawls on the floor. He has improved over the last few years but I still prefer to gnaw my own leg off than take him shopping. Again his sibling don't do anything like this.

1. He acts like he is deaf, rarely responding the first time I call. Directions have to be simple " shoes" or else he ignores requests. He does not have any hearing problems. He just seems to switch off especially if he is watching a screen.

10.He can not hold eye contact at all. Even if I ask him to look at my eyes, he can't/won't.

Reading back the above made me sad, he is so much more than his quirks. Overall he is such a lovely part of our family, (apart from the hitting) I wouldn't change him for the world.

How do I make things easier for him at school and help him get better at social interactions ?

I'm sure he's a lovely boy, but I think it would be worthwhile getting him assessed for possible SN. See your GP. Consider it an exercise in ruling things out, if nothing else.

If it makes you feel any better, my 5yo DS is lovely even-tempered well-behaved, personable, diligent, attentive, none of the quirks you describe, and he's not got any real friends either. But your worries aren't just about friendship, are they?

Are you concerned about ASD? five is quite a common age to be diagnosed as that's when the issues become apparent. I found in reception, DS was just running around, like most of the others and it wasn't noticed. As soon as we got to year one, his problems became obvious, and sure enough he was diagnosed with ASD.

If this were my child I would see my GP and ask for a neurodevelopmental assessment. Depending on your area this could be done by referral to a community paediatrician, a developmental paediatrician or CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service).

IMO it is highly likely that your DS is going to need significant support in school in the next few years and, although it shouldn't be, this support will be easier to obtain with a diagnosis or a report from a medical professional laying out his difficulties and needs.

The diagnostic process itself can easily take up to two years, although it can also be faster, and then, unless you are lucky with your school and local authority, support in school can be another battle of a year to eighteen months.

I would start now.

Getting a diagnosis is a positive step which will help you, him and other people understand him and his needs. It isn't a betrayal or you saying you want to change him. Both my DDs have dx and I wouldn't change them for the world

What do his teachers think of his behaviour? Have you spoken to them about him at all? Some of the behaviours you describe sound more than just quirky to me tbh, there would be no harm in having him assessed. If he does need some extra help that would be the best way to get it. If not you would have peace of mind. You sound like a lovely mum who has already tried everything I could suggest. If it's any consolation I have a 5 yo ds who doesn't seem to really have close friends either. The year 1 boys at his school seem to have quite loose friendships if that makes sense.

lljkk, Yes, knowing non-quirky children struggle to make friends too, helps :)

devilinside As he is verbal, academic, affectionate with family, rarely has proper meltdowns (instead he whines and cries at the drop of a hat, lol) wouldn't that would rule out mild asd issues ?

Goldmandra Wow, that is a lot of detailed information. I just don't want to waste NHS money asking for loads of tests, he is nothing like the child I know at our school who has a asd d/x. My son just needs one friend. He does well at school, he is very bright. I do intend to follow up with a doctor just to rule out issues but I expect a chat with the nicest GP without DS will be sufficient.

3boys3dogshelp I have recently asked a TA (not his class) who seems to 'get' him and seemed to get genuine affection from my son. She is going to reintroduce him to some boys in his year with games. I will be talking to his teacher on next parenting evening.

Babies - I don't think being verbal, affectionate and bright does completely rule out asd - it is a huge spectrum. My (now teenage) cousin has asperger's. He is an extremely articulate, very bright boy who is very affectionate with his close family and who as a smaller child has a collection of soft toys which he liked to take everywhere and 'mother'. However he really struggles with social situations, noisy situations, taking direction from people unless he understands exactly why he is being asked and making and keeping friends. Some of his thought processes are quite quirky from my nt perspective. I am NOT trying to diagnose your son, I am in no way qualified to do so, but I'm just giving an example. You were concerned enough about his behaviour to post a thread and you are an experienced mum, I think you should trust your instincts.

TBH I was only expecting responses along the line that I was over reacting and that my son just needed time and space to mature.

I have to have a think about what has been said.

My ASD son is affectionate towards his family and doesn't have meltdowns. He is struggling at school because he can't write.(although, he is bright) The other AS children in his class are all streets ahead of their peers academically. Intelligence/brightness is not part of the diagnostic criteria for ASD. It's a communication disorder, an impairment in three areas, social communication, social interaction and social imagination.

Not saying your son has ASD, but you should certainly have it ruled out

My DD with Aspergers was an early speaker, easy to discipline, "my easy child".
However, since diagnosis it has become more obvious that her temper tantrums (quite mild, but more like a 3 year old than a 9 year old), and associated behaviour could be classed as meltdowns and stimming.

If you think something is wrong do not worry about wasting NHS resources buy get them investigated. Early investigation and identification can save the state a lot of money long term, and have a more positive outlook.

We can't diagnose over the Internet, but we can say this is worth getting someone to look at; just as we would if someone said they had a freckle that seemed to be growing and was worrying them.

So don't panic but do ask for a paediatrician (etc.) referral.

Each child with ASD is as individual as any other child so you can't make a direct comparison.
However, those pesky difficulties that devilinside outlines do keep raising their heads.

Eventually you just know something's not right...though I was so distracted by DS1's 'typical' asperger behaviour and dx that I (or should that be we?) failed to realise that DS2's difficulties were actually a rather more subtle form of ASD (blush)

It's not great to find yourself 'in the system' but it's even less good to be unsupported when you need it.

As he is verbal, academic, affectionate with family, rarely has proper meltdowns (instead he whines and cries at the drop of a hat, lol) wouldn't that would rule out mild asd issues ?

Absolutely not. In fact this sentence describes both of my DDs. I don't want to write too much more because I don't want to be pushing you in any direction.

I completely understand why you would think that a child who is affectionate and articulate cannot have Autism. I've come across lots of professionals who think the same. Maybe you should read a bit about Autism and Asperger's Syndrome and see if that changes anything for you

This is a lovely forum for parents of children with all levels of ASD. Perhaps have a lurk and a bit of a read?

I am still reading, I am still thinking.

I’ve met an assortment of kids with diagnosed ASCs and all I can really say is that they’re very assorted! My DS has Asperger’s and he is mostly like the academic/ geeky/ meltdown Aspie stereotype, but even so he could be very sociable and outgoing and very protective of his friends. And he commented himself that another boy at school who also has an Asperger’s diagnosis is the exact opposite of him in almost every way! So kids all have a different mix’n’match of issues. And I think it’s the same with most special needs.

From what you've said, I don't think it would be waste of time to get your DS checked out, especially if you think he has started to hit out when most other kids wouldn't. That can be a sign of needing some extra help.

Having special needs doesn't stop kids from surprising us with what they can do, and although the whole SN thing can be a very bumpy ride at times, with the right support it can also get to some good places.

Oh,and you might find this book generally useful to help your DS make friends. I wish I'd had it when DS was younger!

He sounds similar to my friend's son who has aspergers (sp?).
I would have a chat with your doctor.

Thanks for the book recommendation, it looks interesting and useful. I'll get that on payday.

I have decided to talk again to the TA at school and his current teacher on our close by parents evening and see what they say and think about my sons' social skills and general behaviour and go on from there.

I like the look of that book too

I hope you find the chat with the teacher and TA helpful. Remember that a well informed member of school staff will know not to speculate on specific diagnoses for children but should be able to report back on specific behaviour that they observe.