controlling 10 year old

[onemoredayplease]

I'm struggling with this. I currently feel like my dd rules my life. she is a constant voice at my side telling me what she wants or needs, what I don't need or should be doing. its worse when we are out. if she doesnt want to do something I might as well give up, her behaviour will escalate until I do. it will go from whining, to behaving like a 5 year old, walking 5 steps directly behind me, huffing, puffing, commenting in a loud voice. in the end im almost dragging her along. it takes all the fun out of anything and I feel totally restricted and frustrated. its not like we only follow my interests I try really hard to support her but there is no give and take and I am increasingly resentful. My partner tells me that i need to take control as she is currently in charge- whatever i do is not good enough. I know I need to toughen up but when I am trying to do this with minimal support from my partner whilst working full time in a stressful job she knows she can wear me down. im so worried about how things will be as she gets older. if I can't deal with her now how will I when the hormones kick in? how do you deal with this? particularly if you are a lone parent. be gentle please- we have just been uniform shopping and its been pretty miserable.

Oh gosh, sympathy. Uniform shopping is grim. Find out what she'd like to do and say yes, if you behave for the next two hours, or whatever, but x-treat will be withdrawn if you don't?

Sounds like you need to be consistant and not give in.

Also what things do you do for her that she relies on - lifts, paying for subs etc.?

I would start consequences for unacceptable attitude.

You need to be in for the long haul though...

Oh my goodness, well I've been in tears today because of my 12 year old dd who also had a fair crack at ruining yesterday. I've read her the riot act and she's currently behaving like a little angel! I've got to wiz off now but I'll be back!

Is this recent? At 10, it could already be the onset of the dreaded pre-teen stroppy mindset, in which case you need to be firm about boundaries but remind yourself that it will pass. DS was pretty horrible to have around for a while in early puberty, but he is much nicer now at 15.

From your OP, I am also wondering if you are/were a lone parent? If it has just been you and DD for a while, that can sometimes lead to a situation where rather than a parent-child relationship, it turns into more a relationship of 'equals' or at least the child sees it that way, which can cause problems when you then try to reassert yourself as a parent - still needs to be done, though.

God if she won't behave when you're out buying uniform for her, then tell her she can go to school in her outgrown/worn uniform until she's feeling sensible enough for the shopping trip. Then whisk her straight home to a long list of chores. Maybe include something nice (hot chocolate break somewhere?) in the next shopping trip she behaves well on. Is she quite a young 10?

we were on our own for 5 years and I guess I did treat her as an equal. my partner certainly feels that she sees herself as an equal. at times I don't buy or do something because I know she will then ask why she can't have or do the same. its ridiculous but I actually avoid things to avoid the argument. we are close and yes she is young for her age. I know I need to take charge

Well it's going to be hard as you have let be an equal for so long, but the fact remains that she just isn't.

If you need to get yourself and her something in town, then do yours first with the strict instructions that if she can't behave like x and y (give clear examples), then it will be straight home afterwards.
If she won't behave when buying something necessary like school uniform, then I would still take her home and cheerfully inform her teacher that her trousers are too short/pe kit lacking because she had a strop in town.
I would do this in front of her, too.

I am sad that you won't treat yourself because she will whine for the same.
The response to that is a firm "I get this because I am an adult dd"

yep, that makes sense. I do normally sort her out first as otherwise she nags to get to what she wants to do. todays shopping trip was for more school trousers. when I bought her kit in sept she was adamant that she wanted skirts (although she tends to wear trousers) now its colder she doesnt want to wear skirts so needs more trousers. hence a trip into town. she wasnt interested in the trousers so basically left me to it. looking back I should have just headed home again with the comment that as she wasnt interested she is obviously not that concerned about being cold. too late now! another miserable trip which has resulted in her getting all that she wants and me feeling like a bad mum.

I don't imagine she behaves like this with her teacher in school and if she tried it on with her peers she won't have friends for long. She knows how to behave, she just knows she doesn't need to with you. You need to respect yourself enough to expect and insist upon respectful behaviour from your dd, you're not doing anybody any favours by letting her get away with this. But I'm sure you know this already.

You need to set out rules and boundaries with clear rewards and consequences and stick to it. We had a morning responsibilities checklist once, laminated by me to the sly at work , everyone enjoys putting a tick in a box, it's a little reward in itself! Explain things to her but don't debate or allow her to turn an explanation into an argument. Think of all the old tricks you used to pull as a child to distract or generally get your own way. Realise that she will employ these same tricks, it's a natural way of working out how to influence the world around you as a child but you need to be in control at all times. Good luck!

Total hopeless non advice from me. My dd(11) got so bad over the Summer with that sort of behaviour she is now living with dad.
I feel relief as I am not under the constant stress/pressure of never being 'good enough' but having to deal with the reports that she is not like that with her dad and step mum.

hmmm. she actually doesn't have many friends because she is too bossy and likes to control everything. i have parents evening this week at her new school so i will be interested to hear what they say. in her previous school her reports where excellent and there where no complaints about her bahaviour. we have used reward charts before and she liked that so we could revert to a more grown up version of that. can i ask what level of chores your children do? she has only to keep her bedroom tidy, if she does this all week she gets her pocket money- I'm thinking I need to increase this but even getting the room tidy is a battle. god im no good at this.

oh stella thank you for that. I can imagine the relief you feel and how hard it must be to hear things are different with dad. its so sad to get to this as I do love her to bits. as she said to me I have made her as she is- now I need to sort it out.

chores:

sorting dry washing into piles for each person and then put her own away.
sorting dirtig washing into darks/whites/colours
emptying clean dishwasher/put away dry dishes from drainer
Clear table and end of each of meal and rinse plates
Washing up
Vacuum cleaning the house once per week
Empty bins

Doesn't have to be all of these, pick the ones that will work for you and remember some of those skills need to be learnt it's not just about her contributing to doing stuff.

Maybe you have to do a bit of zero tolerance, and if she has a toddler tantrum, then so be it. Ie. if she demands a lollipop ( or new t shirt, sweets, htc), and you don't want her to have it, then stay firm. She may create or cry, but don't give. Stay strong. When she realises you are in charge, then she will stop acting this way. It may lead to some strops moments in the short term, but worth it in the longer.

wow. I am definitely too soft. I will add chores this weekend.

Thinking back to when my two were 10-ish, the morning checklist contained absolutely everything so that we could get out of the door without nagging or forgetting something. So, PJs under pillow, make bed, shower, wash hair, brush teeth, uniform on, jumper!, PE kit?, packed lunch, brush hair etc all the way down to shoes found and on before 8.30. It covered all the stress points we regularly encountered and it did work really well for me and for them as they prefer self sufficiency to recriminations

Chore wise in the house they unload the dishwasher, vacuum the house, usually a floor at a time, mop floors, lay and clear away the table, put on and hang up washing, clean bathrooms on occasion, pretty much everything that I do I think. Normally only once or twice a week although table and dishwasher every day. They also look after their rooms although I am not that worried if they get a bit untidy now and then. They explicitly do not do jobs for pocket money but because they are part of the family and this is teamwork to keep our house comfy and clean. They get pocket money seperately. I make them do extra housework as punishment once every couple of months when they've really overdone it, works brilliantly for me, I take the chance to put my feet up!

My dd is 10, and there are things that she is expected to do without financial reward as she is a part of the family.
These are;
Keep her room tidy
Dirty plates etc in sink
Lay table (rotates with ds)
Dirty clothes in basket
Clean clothes taken up
Generally tidy away after herself

Then there are things she can do to earn money. She is paid 30-50p per job and can only do them a maximum in no of times a week do can earn no more than £5 a week.

These are;
Really clean her room (not just the tidy I expect as standard) so polish, Hoover, sides clear, clothes away.

Clean bathroom (I showed her how first)

Get washing off the line

Sort clean socks and pants

Hoover downstairs

Wash up if easy tea, so a pasta tea but not a roast.

The deal we made was that I WILL NOT nag her to do these things, if she sees washing out, she is welcome to just get it in for example, or say "I'll wash up tonight", so the less she does, the less she earns, and if she has no money one week, then it's her own fault.

ok where is egg I can see that would work way better than our current arrangement. I like that you dont nag. I need to learn this. give her the rules, if she doesnt work within them then she has no money. hmm. this could lower stress levels no end. so at the moment I am looking at:

1. planning trips more carefully. me first and sticking to this.
2. cancelling payment for a tidy room. I can easily justify this as its never tidy and we are constantly arguing about it.
3. compiling a list of jobs which she could do as part of the family team- she can choose from the list
4. actually responding to bad behaviour by taking away privildges and treats
5. being clear on what is or is not acceptable and sticking to it.

I would also add additional optional chores that could earn her more money.

Yes, dd and I wrote the list together so she has no comebacks that jobs are tooooooooooo haaaaaaaaarrrrrddddd or take toooooooo loooooonnnnng

I do occasionally offer money making opportunities for extra jobs, such as a deep clean before guests etc. This I pay on a sliding scale of efficiency so that I don't have to follow them around pointing out that they've not really tried very hard! They get a bonus for a job well done which could also be seen as receiving more or less than their sibling

this is really helpful. thankyou all. I can feel a plan coming on

Good luck onemoreday, you'll get there!

Yes, you'll get there