Twin on twin toddler violence - advice please!

[stinkingbishop]

I have 18 month old twin girls who are just super 99% of the time, and even make enjoyable games out of sharing, giggling when they pass each other toys and saying 'fanku...', do lots of peekaboo with each other, lovely cuddles and stroking etc. They are genuinely fond of each other.

However, the bigger twin several times a day will try to push her sister over, pull her clothes and pull her hair - hard, she's very strong and yanks actual hairs out. Most of the time I manage to leap in and stop it, but not all the time. The smaller twin obviously gets very upset and I don't want this to set a precedent in their relationship.

A stern no and an unhappy Mummy face just doesn't seem to be cutting the mustard (although she's obviously noticing it as she does hilarious impressions of me!)

DS is 19 so I have completely forgotten developmentally whether they can understand the concept of wrong yet, whether I can start disciplining and they'll make the causal connection, how to discipline when they're too wee for the naughty step etc.

Help!

IME the physical fighting stopped once they had enough language to express frustration verbally.

I used to physically separate them for a while and lavish lots of attention & cuddles on the injured party.

Our biggest problem was biting which distressed me quite a bit but as I said it didn't last very long.

OK,don't panic. At 18 months they're not even close to having a theory of mind yet. I think big twin just thinks of little twin as something between her and the toy she wants. There will be no malice there. If it was me (and I am the blissfully unharrassed- relatively speaking - mother of an only child, so I may be talking out of my arse), I'd calmly separate, say 'no' calmly, then maybe spend a minute or two - no longer, because they don't have a concept of time either at this age engaging with little twin, then start playing with both of them, then leave them to it.

If you google "Sally-Anne test" it will tell you about the age children get an idea of when their own desires and knowledge differs from that of the people round them - about 3 1/2, 4 I think.

My 19 month old understands 'no', 'stop' and 'naughty'. When she acts up she gets time out in the playpen (she still plays in there voluntarily at other times so no negative association). The tone of voice you use, the separation and ignoring her for a few minutes are very effective.

She understands too if you say 'ouch' and look sad to stroke and offer cuddles to the person she hurt. When she slaps at me when cross I say "no, be gentle" and stroke her with my hand, then take her hand and show her to stroke whilst saying "be gentle".

At 18 months she is easily old enough to understand the consequences of her actions so I would swiftly stick her into time out for 2 mintutes each time she does it. Then follow thru with an explanation of why it is wrong to hurt her sister and make her apologise every single time she does it. Consistency is the key. Does you smaller twin try to defend herself at all? If not, teach her that she has the right to say No very firmly to her siblings behaviour; don't let her be passive.

Thanks y'all. Will try using the playpen for time out this afternoon and see what happens...adoptmama do you really think she'll understand an explanation of wrong/her sister when I say to stick up for herself?

Genuine question! Maybe I don't give them enough credit for what they can understand...

Yes I think if you handle it right she can understand that she is hurting someone else and you can, as anotherstitch says, explain to her about using 'gentle hands'. Similarly with her sister (and both girls in fact) that if someone is hurting them they can say 'no' or 'stop' in a 'big voice'. It is normal toddler behaviour of course; but that isn't to say that children of this age cannot begin to learn that their actions can hurt others and that there are consequences. I also think having her say 'sorry' to her sister reinforces that the behaviour is wrong, even if she doesn't yet fully comprehend why, and also lets the sister see you don't think it is ok.

I agree with the above - the key at this age is to remember you're teaching them about gentleness and understanding other people's feelings. I posted simply to remind you that they're far from being capable of an adult level of understanding (maybe it was the way you phrased the title of your thread which made me a bit worried you were in danger of being swayed by the sort of well meaning but nutty advice some people bombard parents with about babies being manipulative, or toddlers being calculating or deliberately malicious). I just wanted to make sure the focus was on modelling good behaviour, rather than attributing adult reasons for undesirable behaviour.