My child is bossy and doesn't share with friends......Help!

[Earlybird]

DD is finishing up her reception year, and is an only child. She's doing well at school, and gets lots of invitations to parties and playdates, so presumably is well-liked.

For various reasons, we have not had many "at home" playdates since her nursery year. At her current school, when we reciprocate playdate invites, we typically go to a softplay center or a park/restaurant.

But today was different, and she had a friend home from school. I have a nanny two afternoons a week, who supervised the playdate - but, I was in the house. I was amazed to hear dd interacting with her friend - she was bossy, wanted to dictate every game and how it would be played, got funny when her friend "touched/played with" some of her toys, refused to let the friend dress up (even though there are quite a few outfits)etc. She was very domineering and wanted to dictate everything. At one point, I pulled her into the kitchen, reminded her that this was her guest, said she needed to ask her friend what games she'd like to play. I went out for an hour, and now dd has admitted that she never did ask her friend - "there wasn't time mummy".

I don't know if this overbearing/controlling attitude is down to being an only, or if she's forgotten how to share "her things" with friends at our home - but it was not pleasant to hear. Anyone got any suggestions/strategies?

My main suggestion is not to worry! She is still only in reception year and this is what this time is all about, learning to enjoy playing together....I reckon it may well be a case of her forgetting to a degree how to share her own toys if it has been that long since she had a friend over....

I also notice that the girls of this age CAN be more controlling and bossy, I think it is a girl thing partly!! (it will help her be an organised, in control woman one day, she has to practice being able to order people around, after all she might have a husband one day )

I have a ds 7 and he was a bit like this ,they do grow out of it with encouragement . You need to do more play dates at home so she gets used to sharing her own things with in reason ,any thing that is really presious (cant spell ) to her I would remove incase it gets broken and this would only make the situation worse as regards sharing . If you think about it from their point of view they dont have to share their things because they dont have any siblings to share them with . Also dont let them win every game you play at home as this will store up trouble as well . best of luck but they do grow out of it .

Quick pre school run check in (thanks for responses so far), and bump for daytime crowd....

My DD (3.6) is exactly like this to the point that we rarely have friends to play at home because of the trauma it causes. I'm hoping she will grow out of it but maybe its a girl thing - i'm told by my mum that i was pretty much the same!

My reception aged DS1 is bossy, likes to control everything and is constantly ordering all his friends around. However he is a communicator, imaginative and has loads of mates.

A quick poll of the other kids in his class, some of them like this and it has nothing to do with being only children more that it is there personality.

Don't worry, invite people over and relax - most parents are happy to have their kids away for a few hours.

Definitely not just a girl thing! Ds (3.2) has become like this in the last few months. Hoping it's just as phase!!

My dd(3 and a half) can be very bossy too. I find it varies depending on who she is playing with-some children she can boss over more than others. Maybe it was a case that this particular friend was more easy going and so your dd was in charge so to speak. My dd is an only child and when she is bossy I put it down to this, but I've noticed that other children(particularly first borns) can be this way too. I do have alot of playdates at home, because I think this is the best way for her to learn how to share her things and I definately think it has helped. These days the person she bosses the most is daddy, not her friends!

Well, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one experiencing this. I definitely want her to know what she wants, and be confident. But, this was a side to her that I hadn't seen quite so vividly. And, I don't want her to be obnoxious and/or alienate her friends.

Any suggestions for how to talk to her about this? Or is it more a case of doing playdates at home so she can "practice"?

I think it would be a good idea to play some board games with your daughter. It would be a good way of learning to take turns. Orchard toys make some really imaginative board games for younger children. Their web site is www.orchardtoys.com. It would also teach about being a good loser and not to gloat when you win!

You should have more playdates to get her used to sharing. How about when they have just finished a particular activity, asking whose idea was this? Then you can say well now it is the others turn to decide what to do. Sometimes I think we adults are too quick to intervene, if you leave them to it they may negotiate between themselves. I love listening to these conversations from another room. Of course this all depends on the personalities of the children concerned.

I am sure she is learning to share at school, its just when they are at home it goes horribly wrong!

My dd1 is still like this and she's 9!