How to help my neighbour?

[foolserrand]

Right, this is long and waffly so I'm very sorry but I'm on my phone and am tired and can't make my brain function properly. Huge thanks and well done if you get through it!

Last year, a lovely family moved in next door. They are Albanian and have two children, dd is 2, ds is 15 mo. Dp and I have 4.5 yr old ds, 18 mo dd and dc3 is due in a few weeks.

Dw has tried hard to befriend me, great. She's lovely and we are both sahm's with similarly aged dcs. Don't get to spend much time with her because I have quite a busy life and her dd has a strict nap 11.30-1.30.

Recently, she has told me she is struggling. Doesn't drive, never goes out, has no local friends. To make it worse, her dh, who works long hours, treats their dd like a princess, treating her constantly and never disciplining her. He insists the dcs are up when he gets home from work (never before 8pm) and seems very controlling with the dw. I'm not sure how much has to do with culture, but he has, for one example, banned her from all social networking sites (though she may have a Facebook account for their dd ).

One night, a few weeks ago, he was working very late and gave my friend permission to put the dcs to bed without him seeing them. (He doesn't help with bedtime, just excites them then hands them over). Dd threw a huge tantrum and ended up making herself pass out. Since then, my friend is terrified of her doing it again and won't risk her getting upset. It means dd is getting everything her way and risks ending up a spoilt brat. Her ds is turning into a carbon copy of his big sister.

My friend has asked for my help, and I really want to be useful. I want to tell her, in the nicest possible way, to discipline her kids and tell her dh to pack in the controlling, dominant male act and help her with child care and discipline and to control her children, tell them no sometimes and set boundaries.

How do you say that nicely? What advice can I give her? Or practical help? I really want to do the right thing and feel very much like I'm her only avenue for help.

Again, well done and thanks if you're still reading!

I think you just say what you've said here. She probably knows the answer, knows she needs to regain control but for whatever reason can't/won't.

What can she really expect a friend/neighbour to do that she can't?

I work with children in a school setting, so know a few tricks to control. I think she's hoping I will teach her those.

Does it not sound a bit cruel? Is there a nice way of phrasing it? I'm also wary of mentioning her dh too much as I'm not sure how much of their relationship is cultural iykwim?

I really do want to help her, she seems so sad and weak.

Tell her to put a lock in the bathroom. Feed the kids whatever e numbers daddy deems suitable just before he comes home. The minute he's in, she needs to lock herself in the bathroom, headphones on, and let him deal with it. He'll only do it once if he has any sense.

Equally, you two could have a girly day and he can be in charge.

Doubt very much that's just a cultural thing, he just behaves immaturely. I can understand he works long hours and adores his children but he's making a rod for his own back.

It must be very hard for your friend, she's lucky to have you. Just be honest: your husband is the problem, it's ok to discipline your children.

One thing she will understand: make him believe it is his idea that the kids need discipline. Sooner or later the tantrums will get to him.

That's actually a super idea! Make him think it's his idea. I need her to see the kids will still love her, I think. She calls all children angels, princesses and princes. They aren't! They are small people who desperately need boundaries to feel secure (my thoughts, obviously not gospel!) These boundaries don't need to be enforced with negativity, although I'm not sure how she can turn this around without a bit of punishment now. I fear my friend may be lacking the confidence to do that though.