I am at the end of my tether with my 4 yr old DS

[Behindthecandelabra]

From the moment he wakes to when he falls asleep my DS is behaving appallingly. Every morning he wakes up in a foul mood and he refuses to come downstairs for his breakfast. If I left it to him he would live in his pyjamas and we would never get to school. It's easier to help him get dressed but I have to force him. Literally hold him down. He shouts, lashes out, throws toys and books, sulks, blows raspberries at me, screams. I don't know how to get him ready for school without losing my temper - I can only be patient for so long. And all this before 8am.
When I pick him up from school he complains if I haven't brought him the right snack, he refuses to walk next to me on the way home (on a busy road) and on a few occasions he has had tantrums about not being able to visit a friend.
I know that he's just started Reception but this is becoming unbearable. He has a sticker chart that we haven't added to in days and I have taken away television/computer in the afternoons. I have to confess that I have shouted at him too. I feel terribly guilty but when he refuses to wash his hands at dinner time, won't eat anything I cook, shouts at me when I ask him to get in the bath/out of the bath, won't go to bed.....I feel utterly beaten.
I have a brilliant time with my 18 month old during the day. It feels like torture when I have to pick my DS up at 3pm. I am seriously failing him as a mother & I just don't know what to do.
Sorry I can't express how absolutely completely bloody awful he is but I don't think a day has gone by for 3 weeks when we haven't ended up screaming at each other. God awful parenting on my part, I know but I feel exhausted with it all.
Please please help me see through this mess and start anew.

How is his sleep at night?

He has got into a habit of calling us a few times after lights out, saying hels

Sorry start again
He calls us after lights out, saying he's hot or cold, or uncomfortable or something but it seems like he doesn't want to be on his own. He claims he's not tired and he doesn't like sleeping (it's boring...!) but when he drops off he will sleep till 7am ish. Sleep has never really been a problem for both of my boys, fortunately

So sorry you're having a tough time. I'm not sure I have an easy solution but we went through a difficult patch with 3.5 yr ds a few months ago. His behaviour was awful, backchat, hitting other children and tantrum after tantrum, so that I ended up in tears most days. How does your ds behave at school and with other people? In our case he was angelic in nursery and with other relatives, but awful with me, and to a lesser extent with dh.
What worked for us in the end was basically laying down the law about what was acceptable behaviour. We had a reward chat with simple things for him to achieve eg. no hitting, no shouting etc etc. We used alot of time out, and we also made it very clear that if he didn't behave when we were out eg at the park or soft play, we would be coming home. For us this last bit worked the best I think - once he realised we were serious and would follow through he seemed to think more about his behaviour as he hated being brought home.
I also had a chat with the health visitor which was helpful both for support and advice.

I really hope things improve soon. The constant battles are exhausting. Ds has improved dramatically in the last couple of months - I just hope it lasts!!

Good luck!

I have two ds aged 4 that have started school

I know what you mean about the battles

it doesn't sound like you have any positive time with him at the moment, could this be an issue?

in the morning could you ask him what snack he wants later and, if its something you allow, bring it for him

can you turn getting ready into a game?

We have this from time to time with DS who is also 4. We found that it needed to be approached from a few angles. Firstly we had clear rules which were consistently enforced, e.g no hitting, listen to mummy, second I tried to make sure that I wasn't setting him up for failure, so no more epic three hour play dates and we never let ourselves be rushed, third I spent more one to one time with him and used the time to play games that made him talk to me, like taking it in turns to make up a story. This has worked and although he's not an angel he is controllable and far better behaved than most of his friends, when his temper flares up again it's always because we've either made him too tired or relaxed the rules too much. Hope you find a solution soon.

Does he get any one on one time with you? Obviously I am just guessing here but based on what you have said I wonder if he is feeling pushed out because you are at home with his younger sibling all day? He could be playing up to get your attention, even if it is negative.

You're right regarding the time I spend with him, or lack of. He is one of those children that doesn't do much playing with toys and would prefer to watch tv or play on the computer so I must confess I don't tend to spend much time with him.
Interestingly he is so much better one-on-one - when DH takes him swimming or to the cinema or the theatre at the weekends, he is as good as gold. Angelic even. He has always had a problem with his younger brother and they do fight for attention. Actually they just fight.
We will have to set more boundaries and I have to be less shouty and more calm with him, definitely. And simply spend more time with him, just us. So tough when at the weekends all I want to do is bugger off for some me time.

Oh my goodness, you have just completely described my daughter, just turned 4 so not in school yet. I am at the end of my tether. I have two younger sons to look after too and so I'm sure DD's issues are lack of one-to-one time with me, but she has always been difficult, even before I had DS1. She makes me so unhappy and I hate myself for that. She doesn't do anything I say, refuses to sit on the naughty step, defies me constantly, hits DS1, hits me, whines, cries, screams etc etc and yet there are glimmers of gorgeousness occasionally and at nursery (3 days a week) they tell me she is as good as gold. As much as I would love to play with her all the time I can't, with DS1 aged 2 and DS2 aged 7 months who I am still breastfeeding. I also have two dogs and a big house to clean. I am always depressed, always feel like I am a rubbish mother and constantly wonder where I am going wrong.

I found at one stage that we always had problems with dd if she had watched telly, so we cut down on that, particularly in the immediate term. She couldn't cope with it at that stage - it would sort of fry her brain even if not for very long. Maybe if he loves watching telly and playing computer games that is affecting his behaviour and cutting it down would help.

Maybe the more of things like going swimming with DH - or even going to the park after school - he does the better. He could have more energy than he knows what to do with.

People have made some great suggestions re: boundaries etc, so not going to repeat any of that. But maybe the more "softly-softly" ideas like trying to find some one-on-one time with him have merit too.

But maybe you do need some me time as well so that you don't feel infuriated with him. Strangely that could work as well.

I could never do naughty step/chair with my dd because she thinks it is fun.

with the sticker chart I think give the opportunity to earn back points by doing chores. That way all is not lost and much is to be gained by being super good.

Don't take him a snack to school, make him wait.

in fact stop snacks entirely until he starts eating meals.

I took DD2 to preschool in her pajamas once. Getting dressed improved after that!

After starting school in Reception mine were horrors - I would give them food and then not try and engage them for 15 mins or so and let them talk when they wanted.

Thank you for all the suggestions and lucyw, sorry to hear you're going through a similar thing.
My game plan is as follows:

• Try to focus on the positives & reward accordingly. I don't do enough of that, instead of punishing bad behaviour all the time. He walked home from school nicely yesterday so he got a sticker on his chart.
• Agree a snack for later - this is a good idea & it makes him feel like he's involved in the decision. He very much likes to be in control.
• Spend more time with him one-on-one - I've just booked tickets for the theatre tomorrow, just us. But also trying harder to play with him, the things he likes to do and not just allowing him hours on cbeebies or in front of the telly.
• Most importantly, be aware of how I deal with certain situations. I do find it hard with him as he was very articulate very early & often I find myself expecting him to behave like an adult. It's easy to forget he's only 4 and has just started school. Lots of new things & people, lots of pressure etc. I should keep reminding myself of that. So hopefully I can be a calmer, more confident parent.

I just watched this weeks Three Day Nanny I sky plussed from the other night and it helped loads. It was about 4 yr old triplets. It made me realise that I approach everything wrong, I am all shouty and no,no,no with my DD and from now on I am going to be nice mummy, calm mummy, positive mummy and see if there is any difference in DD's behaviour.
I dread waking up in 15 years when she has left home to go off to uni and all I have left are memories of tears, tantrums, arguments and general unpleasantness.