My daughter is five (one of twins) and she has SERIOUS issues with expressing her anger. She can go from calm and happy to NUCLEAR level in the blink of an eye. She hits herself in the tummy (imagine a five year old Siilverback gorilla!!) and grits her teeth and yells. It's not easy, so you have my sympathy.
However, I understand that this is just "who she is" and - whilst I need to work with her to teach her to channel her anger and, as she gets older and is able to understand more, to try to find ways of stopping herself getting to that point - I admit that it upsets me too, because I'm worried that she will get a reputation and be teased for it (she has just started Year 1 and is now in a different class to her brother).
I have to admit that, to a degree (and I'm not taking the ENTIRE blame) she is mimicking me when I get cross. I DO shout, I DO lose my rag and I know that I too need to try to keep a lid on my own displays to set an example to her.
I am currently just starting a month of trying - whenever I feel my own anger or shoutiness coming on - saying, OUT LOUD, "Oooh mummy's getting really cross, let's have a cuddle/go into the garden/play with x .. and when we're calm, we can talk about ".
I know it sounds very US-psychotherapy but I don't really care. If it helps both me and my daughter to better deal with the issue, then I will give it a go. My intention (and I realise how laughable this is!) is to not SHOUT or YELL at her this week. I may raise my voice if she's doing something dangerous but I am going to make a conscious effort to NOT fall back on just being "shouty mummy". I'm just going to see how much of an effect it has on her behaviour if she doesn't witness any of it from me.
PLEASE don't think I am in ANY way 'blaming' you for the way your VERY young daughter behaves. I absolutely am NOT. She is still very much learning about social interaction and emotional control. Anyone (such as your 'friend') who expects a three-year old to already possess those complex skills is truly reaching. I'm just going to try what they apparently call 'modelling' (everything has to have a name.....) to see whether it helps MY daughter and thought it might be something that you might feel helps you.
My daughter is, when she's calm, also the most beautiful, talkative, intelligent little thing and it's very distressing when you feel so impotent in situations like this so again, you do have my sympathy. I hope you find something that works for you both.
x