3 DS's with behavioral problems- I want to run away :(

[Jennynero]

I have 3 DS's aged 9, 7 and 4 and I would never actually run away but I am on the edge of losing it.

I'm a single parent and recently (1 yr ago) moved from W. Yorks to London for work. I live close to my half brother but he also works full time and has his own family so I don't see him often and I literally have no one else here.

My social and love life is non existent and i'm seriously behind at work. I've contacted the local gingerbread group but they need a new leader and so meetups are not currently running (I would offer to run it but I also study an MSc part time and on top of everything else it would be too much).

I recently went to a single parent meetup and gave one of the mum's (who I thought I got on with) my number and never heard from her again. I think my boys would scare anyone off from wanting to be seen in public with them.

Tonight my 7 yr old DS (who i'm waiting for a diagnosis of Dyslexia, Dispraxia and ADHD) had the mother of all tantrums and was throwing things and kicked DS 3 in the stomach so he was also screaming. This was all while I was trying to cook dinner and the next thing I know, the police turn up (i'm assuming one of my neighbors rang because of the noise).

I also had an awful CAHMS appointment today with DS1 (who has attachment problems) and DS2 where DS2 just shouted and made silly noises throughout and the session was pointless as we couldn't discuss anything over the noise. She suggested I go for parenting classes but I pointed out that there is no way I could get out of work to attend these and have no childcare on weekends.

DS3 started primary school full time this week and his teacher has already asked to see me twice over his behavior (he won't tidy up or listen and has hit other children).

I really don't know how things have become so bad. I feel like such a failure as a mother and just don't know where to turn. I really don't feel like I can take much more and have even considered letting their (abusive but only to me) Dad move down here just to help me out as they listen to him.

I know it's a cop-out but i'm so exhausted when I get home from work and instead of disciplining them properly, I just scream and shout and I hate myself for it. I have tried reward charts/incentives/naughty step/pleading in the past but after a few weeks they lose interest and it's so difficult when all three of them are misbehaving at once. They actually gang up together and when i'm putting one on the naughty step, another one will be kicking me. My eldest son is now far to big and strong for me to make him go to his room or stop him running outside.

I am literally at the point where I prey not to wake up tomorrow. I can't take it anymore :(

Oh lovely you NEED more support. Something has to give and it cant be you or your boys. Could you move back up north even if it means giving up the job. You can have another go at it and your MSc but your kids lifelong mental health.. and yours... only gets one chance. You are in such a tough situation its so unfair. Could you try homestart, local surestart if it hasnt been axed even nspcc or through the school. Sending you strength and support.

Oh lovely you NEED more support. Something has to give and it cant be you or your boys. Could you move back up north even if it means giving up the job. You can have another go at it and your MSc but your kids lifelong mental health.. and yours... only gets one chance. You are in such a tough situation its so unfair. Could you try homestart, local surestart if it hasnt been axed even nspcc or through the school. Sending you strength and support.

Hi Poppet45, thanks so much for your kind words :)

I couldn't leave my job, I worked so hard to get a place (it was national recruitment for a 3 year training scheme) and there were only 16 jobs in the whole country. I chose Manchester and got London :( When I qualify (in 2 years) I will be able to earn enough money to support us as their Dad is useless (doesn't work and pays no maintenance) and has no qualifications to ever get a job (plus he always quits after a few months when he ever does get one). Also, I love my job, it's the only thing that keeps me going.

Homestart will only help if you have a child under 5 (my youngest is 5 next month) and I have used them in the past and I didn't feel that it was that helpful (I felt like I had to be 'hostess' to them). I will look into NSPCC though.

The school are aware of my situation but are not helpful at all. My Mum said she would look after them in Yorks. but it would mean her quitting her job and they would have to move schools all over again. Plus I could't live with the guilt of 'giving up' on them.

If you had told me ten years ago that this is what my life would turn out like I wouldn't have carried on. I love my children so much but I know this situation isn't good for them, I feel like I have failed them.

Jennynero-I couldn't just read and run, you sound like you're having a really bad time. First of all do you have any individual one-to-one time with your children in the evenings and ask them why they are behaving the way they are? Do you have a discipline technique in place for when the bad behaviour arises? If you don't then i suggest putting a house planner in place, a list of responsibilities for each of your children and also having some house rules so all of your children know what's expected of them and have something in place so if rules are broken there will be consequences to their actions, also lots of praise for completing their responsibilities that they are given. I'm on my own a lot with two children (husband spends a lot of time working away from home) and i too have very little help so i know how hard it can be. In the meantime take good care of yourself! :-)

Jenny I felt exhausted just reading your post. It's pants My ds aged 10 has ADHD, but I couldn't imagine coping with similar siblings. You could try posting on the Special Needs Children board where there is bundles of experience and someone who may have some practical advise for you on how to get real help. Good luck.

I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time, I suggest you try posting on the Special Needs children forum.

Come and chat to us over on SN -I'm on my phone right now but we will have some tips between us all.

I'm a single parent to 2 boys one with ASD and one with very challenging behaviour and I'm a full time student on a very intensive BSc course 100 mile commute away and reading your post I had tears in my eyes - only last night I found myself wondering why I ever thought I could be a parent....... and I have a lot of friends round me. I often feel useless but in reality i perform miracles - and so do you. I could totally relate to them setting each other off and being so exhausted you just scream. Last night things went ballistic and I ended up shouting so loudly I made all the neighbours dogs bark. By the time they are asleep I just collapse on bed. I never thought it would be like this - I did all the 'right' things, worked hard, married a 'lovely man'..... Who decided a decade on he wanted a new life and had an affair. I'm lying here now and I've GOT to get us all ready to be out by 7.30 but I just ache all over. You are not alone - I've come here to join the SN board and get help because after a couple of years of putting on a brave face and laughing stuff off I need help. I really really feel for you. Lots of love x

Lol sorry that's come out twice!!

Excellent post by Que.

OP you are doing great you just need more support.

DO not be hard on yourself!!! That is an order.

My DH is only away but he phoned last night in the middle of WW III in my house. 3 children is tough!

Now my first piece of advice is to start keeping a diary. Remind yourself there are good times. Try to see if you can spot any patterns.

Hassle CAMHS and the school make it clear you need support. But also see if there are any support groups around. (Our school has just started one, and it just helps in to know you are not alone.) Do post on the SN board here, and look for national organisations. See if there is a local college offering child-care type qualifications which might be able to offer a student for a bit.

Also do be honest with your employer - from my DH's experience as a manager, it is far worse to have an employee who is distracted/stressed/exhausted and to have no idea why.