Four year old boy hitting us

[ilovemyoboe]

Our four year old boy is generally fairly well behaved, but when he isn't, he really loses it. He often hits myself and my husband when he's having a tantrum. Is this normal behaviour in a four year old boy?

Not sure how to deal with it either. We use time-out at the moment, but not sure if that's entirely effective although it does calm him down.

It's not 'abnormal' behaviour but not that common in children of his age.
Is he just 4 or nearer to 5?
Are there any specific triggers?
Does it happen at school or at home?
What are the consequences for his actions as he is old enough for there to be some! Less TV? No sweets?

Thanks for your reply Smartiepants79.
He is 4yrs and 4 months. Happens at home, rarely happens outside the home. He has only just started school (last week) but I doubt it happens there as it is only ever directed at me or my husband. Triggers are usually being told 'No' about something. Today it was 'No you can't go on the trampoline because it is soaking wet' (it had only just stopped raining).
Sweets are taken away for not eating dinner nicely (another regular battle, although swapped to school dinners for now).
Does lose some TV/iPad time at times. Usually go for timeouts for him to calm down. He doesn't have a set amount of TV time in a day .. at the moment he is so shattered after school that he watches more than normal because he is too tired to do anything else. Usually he doesn't watch much though, only one program at a time and then I turn it off. I have used no TV as a consequence in the past, and have also taken away fav toys for a period of time. Loath to reduce TV time atm though as not sure what to do with him otherwise when he is sooooo tired.
He does have strops more often when he is tired like most children. He seems to need more sleep than other children though, and has still been having afternoon naps.

So he is quite young for his year group.
I think this type of lashing out in frustration is fairly common. I would expect it to be a bit of a phase linked to tiredness, starting school and general boundary pushing.
All I can say is be as calm and consistent as possible.
Try not to be angry back, no shouting etc.. It just fuels the situation.
Set clear expectations - no hitting/kicking .. It is not acceptable in any situation. The have some form of clear and consistent sanctions specifically for violent behaviour.
It may seem simplistic by have you used reward charts?
Make sure NO means NO and that there is no wheedling round it or giving in to tantrums.
Hopefully if he learns that this behaviour gains him nothing and actually leads to more sanctions he'll stop doing it!

Oh also, in a calmer moment see if you can discuss some better coping strategies for dealing with his emotions.
Setting his own cool down space maybe. Somewhere he can take himself to calm down. You don't invade that space until he is ready.

Thank you! Have considered reward charts, but not got round to it (mainly due to new baby, now 10months). Not sure if it will work as he has never been into stickers, but could try. Consistency really works with him as he likes his routines, but the penny doesn't seem to have dropped yet that this behaviour doesn't get him anywhere. I think he just gets past reason and loses it. Bit of a temper maybe? Like the idea of a cool down space.

If stickers aren't his thing choose something else.
I seen - marbles in a jar, elastic bands that slowly build up to make a huge bouncy ball.
It could be everyday that's a good day earns him a piece of a jigsaw and when it's complete he gets a small treat.
Equally these things can be removed for violent behaviour.

As far as I know there is no quick fix for big tantrums. It sounds as if you are already doing most of the right things, being consistent, not giving in to them etc. Supernanny talks about “nipping things in the bud” but quite often she seems to mean “before they’re teenagers” I like "time out" because it gives everyone a chance to calm down.

Rewards are good too. The point of stickers usually isn’t just the sticker itself, it’s usually collecting a few to earn a little prize. Or you can give other immediate rewards besides stickers – if you’re using sweets it’s better to give them out for specific little bits good behaviour – saying please, sitting nicely, eating everything, keeping his mouth closed… whatever mealtime behaviour you’re working on right then – than taking them away for bad behaviour. And praise and compliments for doing ordinary co-operative things are helpful too.

And I know this is going to sound silly, but sometime just avoiding saying “no” can help. “Yes, when the trampoline is dry” It can take mental effort, I had to become quite an expert in finding ways to avoid the word “no” (even if it was ”yes, on your birthday”) but it did help to make things feel like less of a battleground.