Attachment parenting for aggressive toddlers?

[fluffandnonsense]

My 2 year old daughter is very bright. She can speak in long sentences, understands things 3 year olds do etc but at the same time she is a little minx! She hits, scratches and bites. Her favourite targets are me and her very docile, gentle older brother. For months now I've been explaining that it hurts, makes mummy sad etc. I show her how to be gentle, lots of tactile stroking, hugging, touching etc, but she will not give up! She will do it continually some days and often brings blood, it's becoming very waring and I'd ruining her relationship with her very gentle brother who never retaliates! Any advice from an AP point of view?

Out of interest have you tried more of a direct "No - you do NOT BITE" type response instead of explaining? By masking the natural response by layers of careful AP responding, you may be diluting the message.

Although your DD sounds bright, sometimes less is more in terms of reaction. It's not clear in your OP but if you mean that you try to respond to her aggression by showing her how to be gentle and tactile, perhaps she is getting mixed messages, because to a 2yo (even a bright one) it's not a clear enough response for her to instantly and fully understand that what she has done is Not Acceptable.

I think AP sounds marvellous except when it comes to anti-social, non-negotiable behaviour such as hitting, scratching and biting. In that instance I think a very firm boundary should be drawn. If an adult suddenly bit you, you would be shocked and horrified and I imagine you would rebuff it in simple terminology - I think a child (even a young one) needs to see (controlled elements of) that same, very human response - OUCH! That was NOT NICE! You do NOT BITE! etc.

I am not advocating not AP at all, just that perhaps a more instant and direct, no-nonsense response may work better.

I always think it falls down when you have more than one child and if you are not very careful the kind and sensitive constantly has their needs ignored because it is easier.
Some things are non negotiable. Quite simply, she can't scratch, hit and bite. You get down to her level- you get eye contact and you tell her, calmly and firmly that she is not doing it or she will be removed and not allowed to play. You do it every time and follow through. If necessary you hold on to her firmly and only let her down if she stops.
I also think it is a complete cop out to say 'it makes mummy sad' - she is only 2yrs old and you are an adult- she is not responsible for your emotions. You can't treat all children the same- it works with your DS, it doesn't work with your DD- they are all different.

Cross posted- agree with HeyJudith. Firm boundaries for hurtful behaviour.

Yes I have tried pretty much everything. Saying NO firmly and removing her, putting her in time out etc. I'm not an AP parent as such but I'm interested to see how AP would handle her behaviour? Since everything else I've tried seems to be having no effect! She has very much seen that it hurts, she's made me cry before (she made my eye bleed) and she was told off (very firmly) and removed from the situation. The only thing that seems to decrease her attacks is completely ignoring them. She does it for attention and not just out of aggression.

Are you giving her plenty of attention when she is playing nicely? Some children just want attention and don't care how they get it.

Are there reasons behind her behaviour? Ie frustration, over stimulation, lack of attention at particular times.

My two year old always hits her sister when I'm not there and older child is trying to 'mother' the younger one! Me when she can't do things herself and the dogs generally get pulled around a lot when she is over excited! It doesn't always work but by trying to reduce these situations she is less 'hitty'

It's really difficult as even if she can understand to a degree why hitting out is bad when she is calm I'm sure a two year old will not remember this in moments of rage!

Very sensible advice from PolterGoose. Language is very important -always try for the positive that you want, rather than the negative that you don't want.

I praise her a lot for gentle behaviour, if she cuddles her brother I always say things like 'Ahhh what a lovely cuddle, well done for being gentle' etc. I'll give you an example, myself DD and DS are on the bed together. DS has got under the covers pretending to hide and DD is lieing in him and pretending to squash him, he comes up giggling and she goes for his face, grabs his hair and makes him cry. Unprovoked and they were both laughing until the second she did it. She was removed from bed and couldn't come back until she gave her brother a cuddle, she did and then played a game of kissing him lots and making him laugh. Next she gets back on the bed and I'm knocking her over with my foot (again laughing lots) until again suddenly she grabs my foot and scratches me all down my leg, leaving marks. Again I said 'Ouch that really hurts, do not scratch me' and removed her from bed. She gave cuddles and got back on bed, starts playing with her brother again, she is instigating it and jumping on him, both laughing, them she grabs his face and scratches him. Removed from room and sent to sit on sofa, not allowed back on bed and now sent to have a bath.

A lot of the time it's unprovoked, whilst seemingly having a great time playing, having fun, doing games etc. Other times its because she doesn't want to do something, getting in car seat for instance can result in a face scratch for me. If holding her hand and walking and try to direct her somewhere she decides against she scratches me. Her brother can be sat on sofa totally ignoring her and she will just go up and grab him.

It can come out of the blue and be totally unprovoked.

It is very mixed messages- she is a little young to work out why some rough and tumble is fun and some isn't.

Playing is one example and its very mild 'rough and tumble' as I'm not really into that kind of play and neither is her brother. So other than just not tickle or play with her physically any other suggestions?

I wouldn't say don't do rough and tumble as personally I think it's hugely beneficial, but the example you gave i wouldn't have carried on as she clearly couldn't handle it right then. Check out aha parenting for great, if slightly American, tips and advice.

And definitely get those nails as short as possible! My two year old has phases of being aggressive and to be honest I think they just pass rather than anything we dohhaving an effect! It really presses my buttons when he hurts me and I find it hard not to shout :(

my dd gets more scratchy and grabby when she is tired. could that be a pattern?

Firstly I'd cut her nails very short and file them so she can't scratch any more. We file DD's nails so she can't scratch her eczema. If there is no white left she can't scratch. You'll have to keep on top of it. I can't do it myself but dd doesn't wriggle so much for dh.

You dd may be very good at talking and understanding for her age but she still has the emotional maturity or a 2.5yo. Scratching has obviously become her thing that gets a response and it's hard for all of us to change patterns of behaviour so don't expect any quick fixes.

Firstly, when it happens during play, thats it, game over. I wouldn't let her see that she can re-enter the fun after hurting someone. I would give my attention to the other child by comforting them. Then I'd tell dd 'that really hurt your brother, can you imagine what it feels like to be scratched like that, no wonder he is crying, I don't think he wants to play with you any more'

Incidentally, I don't ask my children to apologise (unless it would be really rude not to ie an old lady in the street etc) instead I apologise on their behalf. When dd was small I didn't like her being forced to cuddle the child that had hurt her because their mother told her to when my dd was normally still scared of the bigger kid (to basically make the mother feel it was all ok again). and I don't like seeing kids reeling out 'I'm sorry' when they clearly aren't. Mine do say sorry when they feel sorry about something and by trying to bring them up with morals they'll turn into people who aren't just sorry they got caught etc.

In the rough play example you give it sounds like she didn't mean to hurt her brother. It was done out of habit.
It sounds like its the doing it out of anger that you are really bothered about. How about suggesting she does something else when she is annoyed? stamps her feet? When she is obviously annoyed, show her how to do it and get her to stamp as hard as she can and get it out of her system?
I would also try to let her feel she has a bit more control as it sounds like she gets angry when things are being done to her. ie if you are holding hands, tell her 'lets go this way to go to the shoe shop' rather than just head there. Give her lots of time to get into the car (via playing around the garden etc - they do things sooooo much slower at this age) etc.

If neither you or her brother are really in to rough and tumble, perhaps she isn't getting enough to satisfy her? Have you tried letting her tickle you or basically be in charge of some rough play? You have to play along as its not nearly as fun as you have to let them think it is. Sometimes they just need to get toddler aggression out of their system.

I am having this exact same situation now with my 2.7 year old DD and its very upsetting. In the past 3-4 weeks she has started hitting and scratching myself and to a lesser extent my DH. No obvious triggers that we can think of (I've just started full time work after being part time since she was 8 months but that has only been today so not long enough for her to react to.

DD is also articulate and is an only child, if that's relevant.

Its really getting to me: she hit and scratched me multiple times tonight on the train home in public and made me cry. We have used time outs so far (go and sit on your bed/on the stairs until you can say sorry etc) and are very hardline about it, she is fairly quick to apologise but doesn't seem to grasp that she mustn't do it again.

I'm not a conscious attachment parent as such (there's a limit to the amount of AP you can do when your child is in full time childcare) but I do co-sleep. Am planning to speak to childminder about it tomorrow to see if its occurring there recently but they haven't mentioned it to me, it seems to be something she does at home.

Please someone tell me it will pass as I'm finding it very tough at the moment.