Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

Original poster

HELP! 'Attachment parent' has a tantrumming toddler! Recommend books please!!!

18 replies

Turry · 13/09/2013 20:21

I mean it's all very well being all positive, cuddle, love, love, cuddle when they're lovely little babies isn't it, but my dd is now nearly 18 months and there are tantrums and frustrations and shouts etc. And I'm bewildered! Do I tell her off/ ignore/ hug it out aka get smacked in the face as she wants to be let go

Please recommend websites/ books with advice on this, I need ideas and I need them now!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

LittleRobots · 13/09/2013 20:28

What causes her to tantrum and shout? It may be different responses for different situations. Its a tricky age as they understand a lot more than they can say, so they end up very frustrated at not being able to tell you what's bothering them.

I really like the book, 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' which really informed my view of handling my children, although it may not be as useful just yet!

Remembering that they're not intentionally being naughty but learning, 'what happens if I do x' or just simply frustration can help.

Make a mental note of when your child tantrums. Are they hungry, thirsty, tired, bored? . . .

TangleStash · 13/09/2013 21:03

My 16 month old DD is just getting into the whiney tantrum stage. We have found teaching her baby signs to be a huge help in reducing her frustration, and postman pat if all else fails...

TangleStash · 13/09/2013 21:05

Oops, forgot to recommend a book. We did a short session of baby signs classes to get the basics and google ones we don't know, so no book per say but there are tons out there.

TangleStash · 13/09/2013 21:07

Oops, forgot to recommend a book. We did a short session of baby signs classes to get the basics and google ones we don't know, so no book per say but there are tons out there.

plantsitter · 13/09/2013 21:08

Tantrums are the kinds of thing attachment parenting is all about aren't they(maybe not, I am in no way an expert)? Let the kid tantrum. It's a natural reaction to having strong and new emotions. When you see that they are getting freaked out by their own feelings and actions, give them a hug, when they have calmed down a bit try to find out what the problem is.

plantsitter · 13/09/2013 21:09

P.s I made that sound really easy, which it of course isn't necessarily while the tantrum is in progress! All I really meant is that you have to go with the tantrum and not try too hard to 'deal' with it.

DIYandEatCake · 13/09/2013 21:17

My dd is 2.6 and so we're tantrum veterans now but I've never found it easy. What's helped me:
Trying to keep calm and rational myself. Why is she tantrumming? If it's because she can't manage to do up her coat, be sympathetic, let her rage but show you're still there, then when she's calmed down work out a way to help her learn and do part of what she wants to do. If it's because she wants a chocolate biscuit instead of lunch, as above but
stay firm, don't get into negotiations or back down but be ready with the cuddles when she's calm.
Try to think of tantrum causing scenarios in advance and plan how you'll deal with them, so you feel more confident when it happens.
Put yourself in her shoes and imagine how she feels, and see if there's anything you can do to give her some of the control she craves. Choices are good - like, 'we need to leave the park in a few minutes, do you want a last play on the swing or the slide before we go?' works better than 'time to go'!
Accept that tantrums are a normal part of toddler development and not a reflection of your parenting. I read a book called 'the science of parenting' (can't remember who by) that i borrowed from the library that was good at explaining baby/toddler brain development (and had an attachment parenting type philosophy)
And last of all make sure you look after yourself and get enough head space so that you have some energy left - toddlers are hard work!

Original poster

Turry · 13/09/2013 21:18

Thanks LittleRobots! She does it when she wants things she can't have - plugs, emptying out the fridge, eating dirt in the playground etc.

I'm trying to babyproof the house and distract as much as possible rather than saying no to everything, but she's pretty strong minded and not too keen on being distracted!

Oh and you're right about the speech issue - there's lots of frustrated noises being made as she tells me exactly what she wants me to do with such and such an object, but try as I might I just can't work out what she wants me to do sometimes!

That book sounds good, thank you for the recommendation, I'll give it a go in prep for the next stage!

OP posts:

armsandtheman · 13/09/2013 21:22

I used The Happiest Baby on the Block: Harvey Karp. It completely changed the way I deal with tantrums. My DD is 21 months and I act like I would do with a very distressed friend (that tone but a bit more iyswim) i.e. let them have the emotion and recognise it by showing I understand. Not full sentences like "I understand you want cake, but you can't before dinner" more "want, want, want, cake, cake, cake". It takes about a minute to get through, then "no cake until after dinner." I never give in, but understand that she is seeing red and I need her to calm down before she can hear me. I now have far fewer and shorter tantrums.

It has lots on avoiding tantrums too, my favourite for when she is older is putting ticks on her hand for good behaviour and going through why she got them at bedtime.

Original poster

Turry · 13/09/2013 21:26

Oh dear, clearly I'm a slow typer - thank you everybody else as well!

Ok this is going to sound like a stupid question, but if I'm to 'let the kid tantrum' what am I supposed to do whilst this is happening? Talk her through it, watch quietly waiting for it to pass, look the other way waiting for it to pass, get on with other things? I don't want her to feel I'm ignoring her, but I also don't want her to think screaming is the go to solution for all frustrations. Poor thing, you're right about the intensity of emotions - she suddenly seems to be bursting at the seams with them!

OP posts:

Original poster

Turry · 13/09/2013 21:30

Ooh arms that sounds great and even better I actually already have that book! Got it on sale a couple of months ago but was saving it for reading for the next baby - assumed it only had advice up to 12 months!

I'll have a read tomorrow, thank you!

OP posts:

Original poster

Turry · 13/09/2013 21:33

Tangle which signs does she find useful? We have eat, drink and finished here, but struggling to know what to go for next...

OP posts:

Judyandherdreamofhorses · 13/09/2013 21:34

YY to 'Happiest toddler'. I've lost the well-read copy i used with DD. Might buy a new one for DS, who is getting to this stage.

It would answer your question above, OP, about what to do during the tantrum.

DIYandEatCake · 13/09/2013 21:37

I usually just say 'I'm still here, I'll just be washing up (or whatever), when you're feeling calmer come and have a cuddle'. My dd's better given space and not bring watched over, but different things might work better for your dd, it's trial and error!

armsandtheman · 13/09/2013 22:04

Sorry, I meant happiest toddler, I copied and pasted wrong one as I couldn't remember the author! Saved my sanity (we had 6 in about an hour one evening). All the advice was that they are just trying to tell you what they want, I usually knew what she wanted, but the answer was no, you can't try and kill/maim yourself!

SimLondon · 13/09/2013 22:11

Supernanny's toddler sos
read the 'cutted up pineapple thread' on here.

Skimty · 14/09/2013 12:54

I once read something which stuck with me that said that overly permissive and overly strict parents actually had something key in common; they couldn't bear to hear children crying so they either shouted or bribed to keep their children from crying. I think the advice you've had on here about letting them express their emotions is key.

cory · 14/09/2013 20:05

It will depend on how she needs to express her emotions. When dd had toddler tantrums she wanted to express her emotions by kicking or biting or punching, and would actually run after me to do so. So just walking away didn't work: any dealing with the tantrum did actually have to involve gentle restraint as there was no way I was going to let her learn that she could use other people as punchbags.

Flip