DW and I have had behavioural issues with ds, now aged 8 for quite some time. We have sought advice our local school nurse , our local doctors and CAMHS to name but a few. CAMHS refuse to see us again as DS told them everything was okay. DW sought counselling through Talking Change. Both DW and I have received couple counselling through an Employee Assistance Program. Admittedly, I haven’t sought any counselling for myself, but if recommended, this is something that I could attempt to do. The problem with all the avenues we have tried is that DS gives the impression that there is no problem at all. He excels at school, and has already made a positive impression in Year 4. He is a member of a local football team, and despite a shaky start, is a positive and proactive member of the team. He attends cubs, and won ‘cub of the week’ this week. All in all, he appears a well adjusted child of his age. Meanwhile, the whole family, including dd, aged 2 1/2 have to fit in around ds's social schedule. We wouldn't mind if things were okay at home.
However, at home, things are different. When dw and I asked ds to do things, such as brushing teeth, washing when required, going to bed nicely, eating meals with us as a family, and helping dw with bags when asked, it is a complete battle to say the least. My working pattern is such that I am not around as much as I would like, and I do work away 2/3 nights per week. This means that dw has the majority of the childcare, meal planning and preparation and running of the house. When dw picks up both children from school/nursery, ds runs into the house, expecting dw to sort out dd and bring all the bags in. When dw asks ds to help, he point blank refuses. He is difficult with food and meals. After evening clubs, he comes home demanding a full meal prepared for him (despite having tea before going out), and does not accept what he is given. Last night, I prepared a decent supper, placed it nicely on the table next to him. Not a word of thanks, but came through the kitchen demanding crisps (8:15 at night). When I refused, I was called b*h. He refused to get into the shower when asked, instead playing with DW's phone, he shouted, swore and threw items across the lounge, including DW's phone. Eventually I had to escort him into the shower and he was shouting as loud as possible attempting to wake dd up. This has been typical of his behaviour over the last week or so especially since he started back at school. Yesterday, he jumped into the car for a lift to school and had not brushed his teeth, put his shoes or coat on, or even picked up his school bag. It was like he expected his ‘servant’ to do it for him.
Life is such a battle, and both dw and I feel out of control with things. dw has tried so hard to seek help, and has at time felt that I was not fully on board, hence me posting on here again. We have no family locally, the nearest being DW's family three hours away. They have their own issues, although, to be fair, DW's mum cannot do enough for the children – especially DS when she comes down. Because she is the only one who ‘helps’ she expects so much re-assurance afterwards, where is it dw who bears the brunt of it all when ‘Nana’ goes home, and I work full time. DW has a demanding job as well, and we both need some advice on how to deal with DS's behaviour. The feeling we both have is that it is ‘our fault’. The question is where do we go from here? I admit, that I can be stricter, but I have tried to be softer, and yet feel I am getting nowhere with DS. Only this week, DW said that it was like dealing with a toddler, such was the micromanaging she had to do with DS. To put it bluntly, she has had to toughen up, which she has done. I just wish DS would respect her more, and do as we both ask without the fight or arguements.
Apologies for so much detail, but I wanted to throw all the cards on the table and hope for some positive advice that I can help and support dw with. To me, life shouldn't be hard as this. Many thanks.