Exhausting 9yr ds

[lisylisylou]

I'm expecting to get flamed by other mums on here but I've been delaying putting this on here but am truly at my wits end! My ds is 9yrs old and ever since he's been 2 he's had this will of steel but also can be very dreamy. As a result he does not listen or finds it hard to listen, he complains a lot of the time that he gets picked on at school and singles out this one lad in particular! I go backwards and forwards to the school as all I want is for us all to work together and try to resolve it all. Apparently this lad is now so worried that he'll get hauled in front of the teachers he doesn't go near my ds and still my ds blames him for breathing. He has had serious issues with bullying in the past but that I believe is behind him. I do believe that some of the attention he got from adults when he was being bullied is learnt behaviour and now makes things up. we have spoken about it and had to use police interrogation styles of asking to trip him up. he even admits to doing it but cant understand now why he does it all. believe me I'm no pushover and my dd (7) is so happy and really well liked at school. The teachers cannot understand how they are so different! I have been finding that saying positive things at night helps but he just has the terrible 2 tantrums still and can be very selfish and headstrong. Its like there is a brick wall between us sometimes and I can't show him like I can my dd the mum I want to be. The school are putting him with a counsellor/psychotherapist for drawing/music therapy which really helped last time. Talking to the teaching assistant this morning she says he has to learn how to mature and I've been feeling that for a long time. He looks very negatively at life but his outlook has improved a lot more recently. I think some of it he puts on - i asked him this morning how great his life is overall on a scale of 1 to 10. His answer was 7 but then said could he change his mind to 2? He is the youngest in his year but is there anything I can do to help mature him at all. The meltdowns I think single him out at school and they are hard to deal with, I've tried it all reward charts, money and I'm out of options now. I've turned it on him asking him what punishments and he said lose the tablet for a month and no tv. Any comments/advice would be great. He truly could make the pope swear but he can be the loveliest boy as well. Both me and Dh have tried everything - help?

Being bullied must have knocked his confidence. Now he lies or embroiders to get your full attention. It might make him feel he is on the offensive instead of being defensive or on the receiving end. The herd is quick to isolate or chivvy any stragglers. Although the youngest in his year you must have judged him ready to cope or you presumably would have kept him back a year. Someone has to be the youngest but he is now on the back foot.

Fwiw he might be challenging but he sounds articulate and able to talk to you when in a good mood. He and DD may be chalk and cheese at such times but I suspect he'll already be well aware she fits in better socially and finds things easier. Don't let him think he merits less regard (not saying you have done) simply because school is a bit of a battlefield at present. No reason you can't be just as good a mum to him as you are to her.

No real suggestions sorry but out of interest did you ever raise the question with PILs, was DH like DS around that age?

To be honest at the time I didn't realise I could keep him back a year otherwise I would have done. He is very clever and my Dh is, the counsellor/psychotherapist told my son who then told me that he is very sensitive and takes on other people's feelings as his own and that he has to have an invisible barrier to protect himself! Well at that point I was stunned. It's just these meltdowns that I really struggle with and the selfish behaviour he has towards a lot of things. I've asked my mil about Dh but she can't remember but my Dh can be very secretive about feelings plus he works away a hell of a lot. I do feel sorry for my ds as he's had so many best friends and for some reason 6-8 months down the line they move away. The school is great and have given him extra responsibilities like looking after other kids etc. however he had a meltdown yesterday as in sport playing cricket the ball hit him and he thought the batter was bullying him and burst into tears! The teachers have been monitoring his friendship circle and trying to strengthen it. Have been in tears over him as he can be such a wind up merchant and these meltdowns put together. Aargh and no wine in the house for tonight lol

It is heartbreaking when you just want life to run smoothly and sweetly for DCs. Sounds like school is being supportive. I am sure someone else will post with helpful suggestions please don't worry about being flamed, you're obviously caring and looking for answers. Not easy when DP works away a lot that's for sure.