Bossy, lonely 6 yo

[chasingtail]

6 yo DD has always been 'spirited' and intellectually advanced for her age The Head reckons she'll rule the world one day! .

However, whilst this was considered endearing when she was younger it is now apparent that her bossy, 'assertive' behaviour is losing her friends. Older DS came home yesterday and said DD is always playing on her own at school . when I spoke with DD she said no one wants to play with her.

When I spoke with the Head this morning she agreed that DD seemed to be on her own a lot lately and that it was probably due somewhat to DDs 'social skills'. She also added that they were currently working on this as a class/school to try and help the situation.

So I guess my question is, how can I help my DD? Whilst she is a funny, very bright child, she is also massively bossy at home, with an answer for everything and frankly sometimes uncontrollable. She has strops of teenage magnitude and is vile to DS.

I am at a loss as to how to help and Even her grandparents are starting to comment on what hard work she is.

How can we install some empathy and consideration for others so she will gain friends, without knocking out the essence of who she is?

You need to stop tolerating the behaviour, and calmly explain each time why what she has said or done is not acceptable.
She is uncontrollable at home at 6 years old? You need to provide more guidance, how do you suppose the teacher handles her strops and arguing?
What rewards does she have for considerate, thoughtful behaviour, and what sanctions do you have when she is vile to your DS?
Does she mind not having friends at playtime?

silver, yes you are right. I think I was thrown off balance as her older brother was always such a gentle, easy going child. From the earliest age DD has seemed different from her peers, much older and advanced.
I just thought she was lively and that she would make her own way fitting in with friends.

That is why I am here because I recognise we/I need help to set boundaries and impose consequences. At the moment it just feels like fire fighting, with her refusing to listen/do as shes told, and me losing my temper and sending her to her room.

So it seems there are 2 issues to tackle - one being her general behaviour and the other trying to foster empathy/consideration.

I am quite sure she hates not having friends at playtime which breaks my heart and clearly she needs my help. Where do I start?

I should add that her teacher has said she is well behaved in class but tends to dominate her peers

Get the book 'Unwritten rules of friendship'. If you go through this with your DD, it might help her to understand how her actions affect her friends.

Running, thank you. I will do that.

Feel pretty gutted that things have escalated to this point and that I have failed DD

oh chasing you haven't failed her! You sound like a lovely mum. I know / have known a few bossy 6/7 year old girls who have grown out of it / are growing out of it. I'm not saying don't do anything, but go gently with her, 6 is still very little. Staying in touch with her teacher and school head is very good. Would an activity outside of school be helpful for her? Dance or sport or something where she can practise her social skills a bit?

You haven't failed her. Failing would be not caring or trying to help.

Does your DD do any activities outside of school? Some group activities like Rainbows might help her with social interactions in a reasonably structured environment. Or maybe a drama group?

She currently does a dance class and gymnastics, although I question why I should pay for the nice things when her behaviour is so changeable. Will investigate Rainbows though.

Don't worry chasingtail. I have a 5yo DD myself, and I know how things can be. I agree with what has been said above, time to get serious about her behaviour at home. Work out some ground rules and consequences, i.e. removal of privileges, sent to room, etc. Discuss them with her, even better if you can work with her to come up with these rules.

I second what has been said about Rainbows, I have been a volunteer for a couple of years and we work really hard and creating good social skills, i.e. sharing, respect, team work, dealing with emotions, etc. We also have a number of bossy girls, who are great leaders once they reign themselves in a little! So bossiness is not necessarily the end of the world, DD just need to learn how to channel it!

Does she do well on an individual basis? You could invite a friend round - if you're worried about bossiness, maybe go to a park where there is less scope in a sense for quibbling over toys and such.

What about role playing with her? Give her a stock of phrases to go to when she feels sad/upset/angry/bossy. Role play empathy, things like, if someone kept telling you what to do, how would you feel? I found this "coaching" really helped my DD to find her way a bit better. She wasn't very good and reading other people's emotions, and would push and push until they were fed up with her.

Anyway, you're doing a fine job chasing. Just find a way to work on things with DD, and I'm sure things will improve!