Oh my goodness, enormous meltdown from 8 year old

[Allice]

My 8 year old daughter is in the midst of an enormous tantrum as we've told her that she will be doing the 11+ club at school, it's an hour once a week.

She is sobbing so much that she's just vomited, I honestly feel like I have a 2 year old.

She is generally a pain in the arse but reactions aren't normally quite as full on as this! I'm drinking gin but really want to tell her to shut the fuck up and get on with it.

She's 8 and you want her to do an 11+ club?

8 is very young to start preparing for 11+. I think she might be right on this one.....

Have you asked her why she's so upset?

Sounds like there is something going in that you haven't got to the bottom of. I would go and talk to he and coax out of her what the problem is. Maybe she is being bullied/worried about schoolwork?

I'd put down the gin and go and comfort my daughter.

You sound charming. How can you refer to your dd as generally a pain in the arse. Put your gin down, wash your mouth out with soap and comfort your poor child you sound like you don't deserve.

I didn't think it was too early to do 11+ club, I don't even know if she'll do the exam to be honest, I'm not overly keen in her going to a single sex school but I don't think an hour a week at school with some of her friends would be too taxing, she's bright enough to do the work, not certain that she would pass the exam but she could give it a pretty good go. I tend to think that starting earlier means that if we decide to go forward with the 11+ we won't have to be too full on only having a few months to cram it in.

I'm pretty certain she isn't being bullied, she's only been back at school since last Thursday and is happy as Larry going in and is over joyed at being in the same class as her best friend, she's mainly planning her birthday party and wants the whole year to come. I honestly think that she's having a tantrum as she's not getting her own way.

Of course I have asked her why she is upset! She just doesn't want to do it she says, again and again and again and again.

She's somehow calmed down and is watching Tom and Jerry. I know that she'll go along and she'll say it was all fine, I've told her that we'll look at it at half term and she can stop if she isn't getting anything out of it.

I'll just go back to being a terrible mother!

I'd wait for her to calm down and then a good long time afterwards before bringing it up again. Then I'd ask her what is so awful about the club that she had to react like that.

It might be that she gets to the end of the school day desperate to get home and an extra hour is too much to contemplate. It might be the teacher or a particular child who attends the club that she's worried about.

Could it be that the friend she is so pleased to be with won't be doing it or perhaps that it's not seen as cool to attend it?

It makes sense to me to practice an hour a week to ensure she is used to the format of the exam. When the time comes she won't feel so anxious which is much better for her.

You may be right that this is simply her asserting herself because she doesn't want to be told what to do with her after-school time but you need to try hard to find out if there's more to it.

Thank you for your reply Goldmandra.

I have spoken with her since she has calmed down, she apologised without prompting, she can't say why she doesn't want to do it. I think that it's because she fears it will be too hard, she's quite bright but doesn't like not being the best at something, she'd rather not try than fail.

I don't know for certain if her friend is doing it, she's quite friendly with a few of the kids in her year so she's sure to know a few of them quite well and I would imagine with her being in year 4 it won't be too full on.

She has picked some other after school clubs to do, choir and something else that escapes me so I don't think she's desperate to come home. I've been roped in to something at the school on Friday afternoon and told her that she would have to go to after school club, she almost burst with excitement.

My earlier post was just letting off steam, she can be lovely but she can also be very trying. She had a meltdown for half an hour yesterday, full on tears over a frozen chip! I wonder if there is some kind of hormone surge going on.

Glad to hear she's apologised without prompting. Although the fact that she's done that suggests that something is overwhelming for her at the moment. If she simply didn't want to be made to do the club she'd probably still be cross with you.

Hold onto those good times and remember that whatever stupid battle you're engaged in with your child, someone somewhere is involved in one that's even worse

I have an 8 year old who has never been prone to tantrums until this year, but is now engaged in the most epic and long-lasting one on a nightly basis because we won't let him have a bearded dragon. I've explained that the cost of a big vivarium, heat lamp etc is just too much, and offered alternatives that are more affordable and practical, but he is spending a lot of most days sobbing and making an awful droning sound. I have every sympathy for you needing a g &t! I hope I'm not a heartless witch, and I am sorry it is making him so sad, but I have explained to him that continuing to tantrum about it once he's been told the answer is no is like Veruca Salt saying "I WANT an oompa-loompa". But although the paranoid side of me thinks I must have created a spoilt monster, the other side of me does actually think there may be some sort of tweenage hormones stirring, because he's never been this prone to sobbing and wailing until this year. I do agree with some posters that 11+ club sounds like a fairly horrid prospect, but then you're in a difficult position where you're probably damned if you do and damned if you don't. If your local area operates under the 11+ system, and the alternatives to the selective schools are not good, then that 11+ pass becomes not so much a silly middle-class trophy but something you have to confront and therefore have decide how you want to approach it. In the old days the 11 plus was something you just turned up and did one day without even knowing the date in advance, with no preparation. Now, even if you're not a crazy, pushy parent, the pressure not to let your child fall behind when others are having extra coaching must be hard to withstand. I think some of these posters have been a little too quick to judge you!

PS What on earth is wrong with saying wryly that your child is a pain in the arse?? Clearly it was self-deprecating humour, and not a reflection of how this poor mother really feels about her daughter!! My son is DEFINITELY a pain in the arse. I still love him desperately, would lay down my life for him and suspect he is probably the best 8 year old in the world!