Is it wrong to sometimes hate this?

[lucywiltshire]

I am a stay at home, 41 yr old mummy with DD (3), DS1 (2) and DS2 (6 months). before having kids I had a successful career in London which I gave up and now live in a small town in the country. I always wanted kids and envisaged a big family, lots of dogs and a noisy fun home. I have the 3 kids and 2 dogs and should be ecstatic but most of the time I find myself on the verge of a breakdown, screaming at my kids and desperate for bedtime. My kids are no worse than others I don't think, but the constant battles, fighting, tantrums etc are really getting me down. I want to be chilled with my kids and have fun with them, making the most of the wonderful early years but I just don't seem able to. I am constantly harassed and stressed. Please someone give me some tips on how to deal with young children, run a house and generally be a normal functioning human being not a witch.

I'm not surprised you feel this way! Gosh I've only got one (3.5) and I have days where in counting til bedtime!

With those age gaps you've also almost been constantly pregnant too? You'll be still coming to terms with that I imagine!

I've no great advice, just didn't want to read and run, but you're doing great, I promise x

Lower your expectations. concentrate on giving them a good day every day by limiting the number of activities you do so they don't get over tired and making the most of simple activities (like going on a little walk, collecting leaves etc and letting then loose with glue, paper etc to make collages when you get home) then instill a bedtime of 7 at the latest, and enjoy your evenings! Don't over plan or try to do too many activities and don't be too hard on yourself!

Thank you so much. I feel like the worst mummy in the world. I have a big circle of friends with kids the same age and they all seem so much more in control. I want my kids to grow up with happy memories not just memories of a shouty mummy :-(

I assume with a successful career, you were in control at work, planned things in advance and met deadlines to everyone's satisfaction.
Motherhood and kids are completely different and I imagine you get frustrated that things do not work out each day as expected or planned. You have to be more freeform with children and let them set the agenda (within limits). Don't sweat the small stuff.

I'm abit lot shouty too at times, but its hard with 3 children that age! (Mine are 4, 3 and 6 months) lots of people appear to be very together, I choose not to believe them!

I think everyone is different as I am the opposite if notany for me being out and about lots is best. In the house I fester and feel lonely, guilty and put upon by chores. I like to go out to the park, swimming, the library, the children's centre, for lunch or coffee, to friends, to the farm, to concerts etc etc. Also picnics in the garden are great in the summer as they avoid all the clearing up and mess making. Then when I am in the house, I like lots of reading and puzzles. Could you get a part time job for your sanity, I work 2 days and it's a good balance. Or use nursery for a couple of mornings? I am reading (listening to) brain rules for baby at the moment and would recommend it, some good ideas about how to raise happy, harmonious kids. Use distraction as much as possible instead of shouting and use praise in abundance for good behaviour. I'm sure you're doing a great job, it just sounds like you're a perfectionist. Plus, I think these ages will be the hardest, from here on in it will just get easier and more fun.

I often feel the same. Do you get any time for you at all?

Get emergency activities. Audio stories are good, a special DVD etc.

Identify what is most stressful for you and tackle that first.

You are not alone!

Don't be too hard on yourself. HV's put anyone one with three DC's under 5 in a special file, as its known to be super stressful and they may need more support.

Three under three...and two dogs is a lot to cope with. Can you talk to your HV for support? Are your 3 & 2 year old in nursery part time or is that an option? Do you have a cleaner?

It may look like your friends are coping but you never know what's going on behind closed doors. I would lay money there is some shouting/not enjoying every minute going on. I'm sure you ate not alone.

I'm not surprised your life doesn't match up to your fantasy, with three children that young. Sounds like you could do with some help. A friend of mine who had three children under five got in touch with her local college and asked if there were any trainee childcare workers who would like to help her in order to get some experience. She found two good (free) helpers that way. She wasn't able to leave the children alone with her, but at least she had another adult there to help with nappies, bottles, play, etc.

Another thing you could consider is contacting your local www.home-start.org.uk/about_us/Home-Start. They are a charity who support parents with young children and can send round a volunteer for a couple of hours a week to help out.

The only way I could cope with young children was to plan every day beforehand and get out a lot. I made sure I took the children to playgroups as much as possible, as this gave them a chance to interract and play and gave me a chance to talk with other adults. I didn't expect or hope for a break

How much support, if any, do you get from your DH/DP? If they are commuting and working long hours, as my DH does, then how you feel is completely justified.

You sound like you need childcare and a cleaner. Neither is an admission of failure. Would finding a couple of hours of voluntary work a week help you to find a balance again and value yourself more?

I had a successful career before DCs and often liken motherhood to being a manager of people. Managing tasks and projects is very ordered, but managing people is unpredictable and can be a minefield. One person comes into work, has issues or resigns, and everything gets thrown up in the air. This for me was always the hardest part of my work, but ultimately the most rewarding when you saw the payoff, someone got promoted or got great customer feedback.

Children are like that. Every single minute of every single day. Except the payoff is further down the line...which is bloody hard. You will be getting some feedback soon from teachers at school. That helps.

As for your friends? Think of swans. Graceful above the water, paddling like mad underneath. Us mums really are all like that. You just need to read threads on here to realise that. Or they are raging alcoholics, adding gin to their tea.

(sorry - pressed 'post' too soon)

I gave up expecting or hoping for a break, but I did allow myself little treats to get through the day - a cup of tea, a bar of chocolate, wine in the evening. If things became too difficult and I was stuck in the house, I would either turn CBeebies on for a bit or get out a box of Playdough.

Do you have many friends in your new town? I felt very isolated and sometimes lonely when I moved to my present home and it took me quite a while to make real friends. Feeling alone with young children is one of the worst feelings in the world. I sought company through playgroups, chatting to mums in playgrounds/parks, toddler music classes, etc. These groups gave a pattern to each day and helped me cope better.

I agree with the poster who suggested you talking to your HV too. I had some wonderful support from my HVs, especially when I had postnatal depression.

As for running the house - well, I don't think it's possible to look after three children under five and keep a tidy house (I couldn't do it with one under five, let alone two). Can you get a cleaner or enlist more help from DH? You have your hands full enough already.

Looking at the ages of your children, I am not surprised!!!!

Put aside your ideal fairy tale idea and focus on one day at a time. Setting lower standards and having techniques for avoiding and dealing with tantrums. Your eldest two are still very young so don't expect too much. The 3 year old should get 15 hours free childcare - are you using that? Do you have a routine?

Oh and as others always say on these threads, you are a stay-at-home MUM. Any housework done is a bonus. But it's not part of your core job description.

I struggled as a SAHM in the early days and actually used to sit down and write myself quarterly "objectives" to give me direction, but I abandoned that completely after having DC2. That my children survive the day, are clothed, fed, healthy and reasonably happy is (mostly) enough and means I have done my "job".

Bloody hell OP, you have 3 pre-schoolers, you deserve a medal!

You need to give yourself a break (emotionally I mean).

I only have 2 DCs, two years apart in age, and they are both at school now thank god - and like you, I used to have a full-on career and found the switch to motherhood incredibly hard; the kids nearly broke me.

Here are my tips:

Raising children is the hardest job in the world. You are raising three, all day, every day .... If this were an office job, and you were struggling, you would look for ways to make things easier and more efficient. Get a cleaner. Look into some childcare for your eldest - presumably she's entitled to 15 hours per week at preschool? Or can you find a mother's help / daytime babysitter for a few hours per week?

When the younger 2 nap, put your feet up.

Get outside in the fresh air every day - presumably you're walking the dogs anyway, so extend the walking time and let the kids run around and tire themselves out. It doesn't matter if they get wet/muddy!

Housework can be shared with your husband/partner in the evenings and at weekends because LOOKING AFTER 3 YOUNG CHILDREN IS A FULLTIME JOB IN ITSELF!!!!

Lower your expectations. Then lower them again.

Finally: your friends are NOT doing everything perfectly. They are just faking it when you see them. There is a conspiracy of silence amongst mothers - we never admit to people in RL that we are struggling because we are afraid of looking like failures. Thanks god for Mumsnet.

Oh I cross-posted with Poppy - I've read her post now and I agree with everything she says!

I echo what everyone else has already said.

I naively thought when I had children that I'd spend lots of time with my friends that already have children and I would automatically acquire more friends. Well the truth was I found motherhood very lonely and isolating. So I kicked myself up the ass and got myself out to playgroups, the park, organised playdates with other SAHM and allsorts. I do see my friends that have children but they have their own lives and activities and I needed to learn not to rely on them.

Getting out of the house everyday is so very important. If I'm out in the morning I usually go out again later too. I also have a dog to exercise daily which some days feels an absolute PITA when it's wet and windy but you know what I'm so glad we have the dog as it gives me no choice. I also try to have time alone walking the dog. No children. Just me and the dog. Total bliss.

Don't underestimate the stresses and strains of raising young children. If I'm at home I feel compelled to do chores and leave the kids to it with the odd refereeing session and tbh this is not quality time with them. So that's why I go out I think cos then I don't feel the guilt of letting the house slide coz when I'm out I can concentrate on the kids iykwim.

Everyone shouts. Kids can be so frustrating. Close your eyes. Breathe. Count to ten. Distract the kids away from what is frustrating and go and have a coffee. Do not feel guilty for sitting down ever. In my house it often means getting bundled by the kids!