almost 5 yr old: child psychologist, family therapist or am I over thinking it?

[agedstudent13]

I am a long term member but very infrequent poster and have name changed for this one. I am really struggling to understand my almost 5 year old ds at the moment and feel we may be failing him.
He is a very bright, articulate and loving child. But ever since he hit 2 he has struggled to manage his feelings and in particular seems to have a lot of anger, which comes out whenever he is tired, bored etc and in particular when we discipline him (for things like tormenting his brother, pushing, throwing, name calling...) There have been a few incidents (at home and at pre-school) where this has resulted in hitting biting, breaking things. Definitely not a common occurrence but has worried me. Otherwise he basically resorts to using his hands or feet whenever he is cross. Very rarely does he actually hurt anyone but he will 'lash out' and push with his hands or feet or wave his blankie around as if trying to hit me/dh/ds2. It is almost impossible to communicate with him when he is like this and it can be really difficult to diffuse the situation. This seems to be an involuntary thing with him and I worry about why he gets to angry and how we can help him learn ways to deal with it that doesn't involve violence. I think he feels that whenever we tell him off we are attacking him.
He is due to start school next week and I am really worried how this will affect him as he struggles with change. We try to do all the right things, staying calm, being consistent but I must admit sometimes I do shout and get angry myself. I am aware that we may need some help with our parenting in order to help him. So basically am thinking about seeking some outside help. I don't think it is desperate but I do think we would really benefit from some external perspective and it could really benefit ds. I know there is a lot of stigma attached to seeing a psychologist/therapist and I don't want ds to feel this so was wondering if anyone had any experience/recommendations. Is it worth trying to see someone or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?? Any thoughts appreciated as this is not something I am happy talking about in real life just yet.

I know there is a lot of stigma attached to seeing a psychologist/therapist

I was worried in the same way when my DD1 was first referred to CAMHS but those fears were totally unfounded. We haven't had any negative experiences like that. I think the stigma exists only in the minds of us adults. Nobody has ever judged us negatively in that way.

Your DS is sensitive, is struggling to manage his emotions, can't always control his anger and finds change hard to manage. That sounds like a perfectly valid set of concerns and good reason to ask for psychological input.

Much better to get some support now than wait until he's started school and everything escalates.

Thanks Gold. I am a great believer in the power of therapy myself I suppose I just don't want ds to be 'labelled' at such a young age.
Can I ask did you go through your GP for a referral and how long did it take? Has it been helpful for you and your dd?

Hi aged. He won't be 'labelled', they will just hopefully be able to look at his behaviour and offer advice and support for how you can manage situations and encourage him to stop and pause for a moment before lashing out. Hopefully if addressed early this won't be a long term issue for you. I've seen many 5yo's with similar issues, some with troublesome backgrounds and underlying problems, many without. I'm a GP and all regions vary, but in my area CAMHS would probably take less than 4 weeks from referral to appointment time.

Your GP can make the referral and the waiting time is often months rather than weeks.

Your child will never be given a label without you permission. In fact clinicians try very hard not to label children without exploring every other avenue first.

It's not easy to have your parenting under the spotlight but if you can get past that you'll probably learn a lot about yourselves and your DS.
I certainly did.

It was useful for both DDs. They have Asperger's and needed the diagnoses in order to get the support they desperately needed at school. they both now have statements.

It took a year from our first referral to DD1's diagnosis and this was a 'working diagnosis' for six months as they didn't want to make a firm decision until they had worked with her to reduce her anxiety and see if the other symptoms went away. They didn't so a diagnosis was appropriate but that decision was made in consultation with me, DH and DD1. Even this was quicker than normal because she wasn't able to attend school and needed the diagnosis to access a specialised unit.

She's now in mainstream sixth form and flying high.

Thanks Gold and mummy for the reassurance. One last question would you recommend a psychologist/psychiatrist approach or do you think a therapist is better? Just not sure where to start really as I am not sure we are after a diagnosis as such....who knows! Or is that something CAMHs would do?
Will start with the GP I guess and see what happens.
Thanks again and glad to hear your dd is thriving gold you must be very proud.

My dc all went a bit like this prior to starting school. It's a massive thing, they get all worried and don't understand their feelings of how to express them.

Give him a month at school (he will be completely exhausted after the first few weeks and probably grotty with it) - then reassess.

It's amazing how much they change and grow up after being at school a while.

In our area CAMHS offer an initial appointment, called a Choices appointment, where lots of details are taken and then a referral is made to the person they feel is best able to help you. This could be a psychiatrist, psychologist or family therapist.

You're describing my son exactly to a tee!my ds has always been like this since he was 2 going through temper tantrums and they just stayed! He's clever and articulate and sometimes I think maybe he can over think things and take things too far if there's been he feels he's been wronged. Because of this he's gone through teasing at school as he pushes things too far with other kids. The teachers at school have been brilliant and have put him with a psychotherapist along with other kids. One day my ds after visiting her said that the lady had told him that he was extra sensitive and to keep an invisible barrier around him from people who hurt him. He also said that he never spoke to me or my Dh about his problems as he thought his problems would hurt and upset us. After seeing the psychotherapist it was strange but it was like my ds had shed a skin and he was so much lighter. Now every night we go through a list of happy and good things he's done that day so he can sleep on positive thoughts rather than problems or worries! It's not easy but you're little lad is so clever that he's probably incredibly sensitive. I hope it helps x

Don't be afraid to approach the 'professionals', as hopefully it will not only give you some clarity as to his issues, some coping methods etc., but will give you peace of mind too. Worked for me and we all need a little help sometimes

Thanks everyone for the advice. It is good to hear about your experiences and it has given me a bit more courage to ask for help.
loler I know school is a factor but I have a feeling it is more than that. We shall see..
lisy it sounds like you and your ds have really benefited from some help. I like the idea about the bedtime list.
sophj I think clarity is just what I need. Easier said than done with a 5 year old I know but I just have no idea how to help him at the moment!