Exhausted by my 7 year old's behaviour- what can I do?

[olivo]

My 7 year old daughter has been behaving appallingly over the past few weeks. She is rude, aggressive, attention seeking and downright exhausting. At school and at other people's houses, she is angelic.

Her behaviour is causing friction between everyone else in the house, it is so wearing, she just doesn't stop. She is consequenced for most things - removal of privileges ( tv, iPad) or sent to her room. She has Also missed out on a couple of visits due to poor behaviour. She apologises, and then goes on to do it again and we' back to square one.

I don't know where to go next. When I ask her what is wrong, in a rare moment of calm, she says it is because she doesn't get to do what she wants

Any ideas anyone?

I would sit down with her and be honest- say that you don't like it and you don't want a constant battle. Since she says it is because she never gets to do what she wants I would tell her that you will draw up 2 lists- one with rules and one with what she wants to do.
Get her involved in the rules one with suggestions. Keep it fairly short with the main things that upset you. E.g she must speak, and argue her point, politely. ( try and make them positive rather than the negative you must not speak rudely)
Then draw up a list of things that she does want to do- make them simple and fairly cheap for the majority.
If she sticks to list one she gets something from list 2.
If you have other children have a family meeting and give them the same. If you have a DP get him to sit down too to discuss it.

Sorry, by not getting to do what she wants, I mean things like not being allowed to play out on her own, not being able to have treats and sweets every day etc, things I am not prepared to compromise on. Here have always been the rules, nothing has changed. But when I say no for the umpteenth time ,she kicks off, full on rolling around tantrums, kicking and flailing, thumping walls, slamming doors.

I have sat her down and gone through why we have these rules b it she fights them every time.

Unfortunately I have no advice but will watch with interest. My 7 yo ds is almost exactly the same. I am at my wits end and really don't know what to do. We recently had a two week break in Spain and I can hand on heart say he put a cloud over the whole thing with his behaviour.

I too have had the calm conversations, stopped shouting at him and it all comes to nothing. ??

I sympathise and will hold your hand while we wait for the miracle mumsnet to help.

I started a similar thread at the start of the summer.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/behaviour_development/1814880-I-love-my-7-year-old-but-she-is-so-challenging

It was reassuring to know others were in the same boat, but no miracles to offer - sorry.

You sound like you are doing as much as you can anyway.

I feel a little better to know I'm not alone, thanks. I am genuinely hoping that it is a phase, albeit a prolonged one, and that by standing my ground and not accepting this poor behaviour, things will be easier in the long run, but I am seeing no end to it

I am also sad that she is so cross a lot of the time.

In that case I think you just have to treat her like the 2 year old and ignore the tantrum and discuss calmly afterwards. She is obviously taking longer then normal to realise it is a waste of time. (I appreciate it is a pain to live with)

My 5yo (almost 6) is the same atm. She has gone from perfect child to perfect horror and there seems to be no reason for the change.

I posted and was given advice about sitting down and talking which I did but there is nothing wrong or worrying her. She is just tantruming when she doesn't get her own way.

So I have reverted back to treating her bad behaviour in the same way I did when she was two. I found taking stuff away and stopping trips had no effect. So now I do immediate punishment. She is put straight into a time out. This is somewhere I can see her. Sending her to her room just means she carries on a lot longer, with increasingly loud shouting and screaming.

So she sits where I can see her. She does 5 mins everytime. She can chose to do it calmly and peacefully, in which case she is allowed off after 5 mins, or she can kick scream and tantrum which means she stays there until she has calmed down (grit my teeth time) and then I start timing the five minutes.

Unlike a toddler, I can explain it to her. So she knows that if she does the time out calmly she will be better off than if she screams, hits things etc.

Her behaviour isn't perfect but it is improved.

The frustrating thing is that at school and clubs she has perfect behaviour. So I know she can behave herself.

I hope things improve for your op, you have my sympathy.

That may be a good idea, having her where I can see her. At the moment, she is up to her room two storeys up! You're also right about treating as I do younger dd, who ironically tantrums far less!

Something I sometimes do with my nearly 7yo DD is to say 'would you like to do this the nice way or the nasty way?' and then go through the potential consequences. Nice way - you accept that you can't have a chocolate biscuit, but you CAN have a yoghurt or some crackers and cheese or a piece of fruit if you are hungry and then we move on and we both have a nice evening. Nasty way - you get cross and shout and then I get cross and shout and not only do you not get the chocolate biscuit but you also don't get the other perfectly nice alternatives that you could have had. Also, we both end up feeling awful and you will cry. So far, once I have got her to listen (which sometimes takes a while) she has not picked the nasty way.

I am having the same problems with my 5yo DD and sometimes feel I am at the end of my tether. I am on my own after XH walked out last year. I try my best to give her a good life and she has lots of friends and loves spending time with my parents.

I have now started to make sure that I always use a threat that I can follow through and I count to five and then do whatever it was I said was going to happen.

Last night we had a melt down at bedtime, so I just put her in her bedroom and walked away and sat in the living room and cried. Meanwhile, she lay in the hall and screamed and cried and kicked the door. When she had calmed down and said sorry, then I put her to bed properly and had a good talk with her.

She says that she is naughty because she likes being naughty {confused]

Tonight, she kicked off again when I asked her to come in at 7.15pm, all her friends were going in too. I asked her to put her shoes in the porch but she threw them at me. So I put her in her bedroom again and left her. She immediately said sorry and then went to bed no trouble. I have no doubt that it will happen again, but tonight she realised that I meant what I said because of last night.

She is so wilful and totally ignores everything that I say to the point of frustration and tears mostly on my part

Yes, I must start thinking of other consequences that are carry out able! Sometimes it is hard as it is often just me and both DDs, so to cancel trips out means DD2 doesn't get to go. I have however carried out threats of no treats etc, Dd1 then kicks off because DD2 has something.

I know consistency is the ke y- like me, my two are creatures of routine so Dd2 starting school andDd1 going back can only be a good thing

Mines the same. Interestingly I was the same. I remember any sanction made me outraged, and I just got more determined to be worse.

Marking place op, i feel your pain greatly. I'm going through exactly the same with my 7yo dd and i'm at my wits end

She kicks, punches & hits her sisters, throws things, hits me, swears, spits, tantrums when can't get her own way, refuses to do as she is told, threatens to kill her sisters hamster, bites, threatens, runs off, refuses ti get dressed etc etc.
She is an angel for school and for anyone else who has her, which isn't often.

She has hasn't behaved for an entire day for ages and i'm absolutely exhausted

Yes, I used to say things like, we will go home, but not really want to, or be with somebody else which meant I couldnt. It hit home one day recently, when I said a threat and she said "you don't mean it mummy, you never do" .... so now I make sure that I can follow through what I say, be it toys in the bin, or no swimming one day on holiday, or not allowed out on her bike while her friends are out. It kills me to see her so upset, but I cant give in :(

She is an angel at school and with friends mums, but just plays me up all the time and I mean seriously plays up. Tell her to get off a wall, she refuses, tell her again and again and again and end up dragging her off because she will not do as she is asked/told.

Also going to reinstate the star chart, with a nice reward, a comic or a small toy that she wants , but only after a good couple of weeks.

I think when you have two you do have to think of the consequences of any punishment.

Taking away a treat from dd1, which dd2 will still have, causes another round of hell and really isn't worth the hassle in this house.

The only thing I have had success with it time out. DD1 hates sitting still, esp when she knows dd2 is playing and having fun. Now she is starting to accept that time out isn't optional and she will have to sit still when she is naughty her behaviour is improving.

I do similar to harumin that I explain that living in a happy house with no shouting is much nicer than living in a house where everyone is upset because of bad behaviour.

I don't know if she actually listens and takes it in but I explain it anyway.

The other thing I do is just put an end to any arguments by removing whatever is causing the problem. So if they argue over a toy for example, or whose turn it is, then I remove the toy. I don't get involved with whose at fault I just remove the toy, tell them I'm not listening to the arguing over it and walk away with the toy. DD1 has learnt to resolve the issue before I need to intervene.

It nearly always seems to be dd's on these threads. Our 3ds's were no trouble at all

I don't know if she actually listens and takes it in but I explain it anyway.

I have to admit, that when I started that tack, I wasn't sure it was going in either but it does seem to have had some effect a while later, not least because when I start in on the 'do you want to do this the nice way or....' thing, she knows I'm not going to back down and I am going to make her listen to me boring on about yoghurts and time to leave the park and having a bath or whatever. Also, as time's gone on, I start earlier and earlier by giving her a choice and it does kind of head off the actual tantrums to some degree. DD has also started a fine line in being deliberately irritating which I tend to deal with by eyeing her and saying 'I know what you are doing and we are heading straight for trouble here'. Again, it took a while before she cottoned on to the idea that I wasn't going to back down and she wasn't going to be able to get away with answering back etc.

However, I do see that it is much easier for me with only one child as there isn't anyone else that I am inconveniencing apart from myself.

I keep talking to DD and telling her that it is much nicer to have no shouting and tantrums and tears and aren't we both happier when we dont fall out etc etc. Hopefully it will start to sink in.

DD is very insecure since XH left last year, but her behaviour was bad before then anyway, this just hasnt helped :(