Advice anyone...3-year-old depredation anxiety

[ali23]

DS just turned 3 and started nursery this week. He has broken his heart every day going in. On the first day I stayed with him for an hour but when I was asked to go into staff room for 10 mins he was beside himself; yesterday I left him for 30 mins and he cried whole time. Today he woke at 7 and cried and cried that he didn't want to go. I've had to leave him for an hour today and I am heartbroken as I could hear him screaming for me all the way to car. Has anyone been through this successfully? It seems like hell
for both of us.

Think a lot of children do this when they first start nursery, both of mine did! But it doesn't last for long, they soon get used to it and will often scream when you are there then settle down quickly after you've left. With DS1 I started him off by doing an hour, then two then three etc for first few weeks until he settled. If he's upset when you leave ask nursery if you can phone after 30 mins say to see if he's settled. It's so hard to do but believe me it does get better and he will settle in and even enjoy it!

DS2 has problems with separation anxiety. He was very anxious when he started preschool, but once he got to know his keyworker it got a bit better and he would be okay being left as long as she was holding him. Eventually as he got to know the other children he would be happy being left if he was playing.

I'm sure the nursery staff will have dealt with this before - can you discuss strategies with them? Does he calm down relatively quickly once you have actually left?

Are you sending him to nursery because you're going back to work?

Some children get very upset at first but soon get used to it and others continue to be unhappy. There's no easy way to tell which it will be.

If he doesn't settle but has to be in childcare you could consider looking at a childminder instead. He may be happier in a quieter environment with fewer people.

If you don't need to send him, consider stopping and trying again in six months/a year. He's quite young and won't be missing anything by staying at home with you for longer. A few months can make an enormous difference to their emotional development at this age.

Separation anxiety, of course. Writing on cracked phone. Picked ds up and nursery said he settled within 5 mins today. He also seems bit happier. Made a picture which he's pleased about. The nursery place is his funded daily place, but does help with child care. I work relatively flexible hours but we get help from family too. Thanks for all replies. Is very tough at times. Appreciate the advice.

That's really encouraging.

I've seen other people suggest using a visual timetable of what you're doing each day, so that your son would be able to see that today is a nursery day, and that after nursery you will bring him home for lunch and then go to the park (or whatever).

People have also recommended, and we bought a copy of, a book called The Kissing Hand. I'm not sure if it has actually helped, but DS likes the story, and the concept of a kissing hand.

youngminds.org
very helpful when dd had this and school refusal

www.youngminds.org.uk/

Could you give him something of yours to 'look after' to help him feel closer to you and to remind him that you will be coming back for it and him later on?

Exceptionally helpful ideas and links. Many thanks.