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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Why is my son so violent???

21 replies

giraffemad · 19/06/2006 20:42

My 3 yr old son becomes increasingly violent with seemingly no trigger! We watch what he eats, he doesn't often have sweets, and is given huge amounts of praise for even the smallest of things he does well. If I give him positive attention it will end in him punching and kicking me after 10 mins, if I then ignore this behaviour it can go on indefinately... Please can someone give me any advice? :(

OP posts:

NotAnOtter · 19/06/2006 20:56

are you firm with him? set him boundaries?

rabbitrabbit · 19/06/2006 20:58

Has he always been the same? Or has this started recently?
If recently have there been any changes for him? i.e. move, nursery, new child etc.

mousiemousie · 19/06/2006 21:05

What do you do about the violent behaviour at the moment and do you treat it consistently?

Californifrau · 19/06/2006 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MerlinsBeard · 19/06/2006 21:08

my 3 yo has just started this but i put it down to frustration at wanting to do things himself but not being able.

Will watch with interest.

(btw, wasn't sure i could post on here, everyone else has an animal name!)

NotAnOtter · 19/06/2006 21:09

maybe she is busy practicing pindown!

southeastastra · 19/06/2006 21:10

californifrau thank you thank you for saying that! (same trouble)!

i've read raising boys and alot of that makes sense.

Californifrau · 19/06/2006 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sparklemagic · 19/06/2006 21:43

I saw the same change in my DS since he's been three, there is a lot of truth in this testosterone surge thing so take the pressure of yourself and him, don't think it's a bad sign for the rest of his life!

I personally would use a bit of time out if he is getting violent with you and it is going on - he could go in his room for three minutes if you are at the end of your tether with him and distraction really won't work - though I'd try distraction first, lots of times! But for me time out as a last resort really worked. You just have to be consistent in your boundaries about what he can and can't do and he will learn.

eggybreadandbeans · 19/06/2006 23:57

Can this surge happen as early as two?!

Ds was two last week, and in the last few weeks - possibly also influenced by house move six weeks ago - he has become so physical. I get a routine kicking on the changing mat, toys get thrown with force across the lounge, things get bashed and hit. I'm worrying it's our parenting (we have been tired, distracted and inconsistent since the move) - but could it be a testosterone surge too? Hmm ...

eggybreadandbeans · 19/06/2006 23:58

PS We have got "Raising Boys", but it's still packed ... somewhere.

Tortington · 20/06/2006 00:14

lovey dovey stuff praise and " your so wonderful" stuff is only effective if there are firm limits. boundaries. punishments.

if my child hit me - which i can't remember them every doing - i would tell them with pointed finger "NO!" and put them in defined punishment area for set amount of time.

Original poster

giraffemad · 20/06/2006 08:52

Thanks guys!:0 It's good to know I'm not alone! I do have consistent set rules and punishments, but thought he was too little to be sent to his room... will deffinately be trying this today!!! Can anyone tell me where I can get this book from? The testosterone surge seems to fit perfectly... but it seems to be crossed with something out of a Steven King book!!

OP posts:

smoggie · 20/06/2006 10:06

hi - this is hapenning with us too - ds1 is 3.5 and it was as if a light switch went on at 3 and he suddenly wanted to grab everything and use it as a weapon, turn everything into a (fun)fight, kick things, take every game toooo far so that it always ends up in physical wrestling/tug of war, shouts, throws things in anger, hits in anger. SOund familiar?
He seems to have a few days like his then he settles for a while then it starts again.
He's never been allowed to watch things that aren't age appropriate, about an hour of TV a day, we try to be v calm with him and always praising but also setting boundries and giving choices and consequences etc . But he still behaves like a total loon sometimes - unfortunately his anger seems to be partic directed at dh (though ds2 and I still cop for a fair amount). I didn't realise they get a surge of testosterone - was that mentioned in Raising boys, must have missed that bit? Would explain it.

When he has these phases I find it almost impossible not to resort to shouting at him which I can see just perpetuates the behaviour.

I tie myself up in knots about it sometimes, particularly when we're out with BILs very calm, compliant, shy girls and ds gets partic boistrous.

That said I am getting better at not 'apologising' for his behaviour - boys and girls are just different and I know I need to relax a lot more about it when we're out with others. I tend to jump on him the minute he looks even remotely like behaving like a 3yo boy, but I'm getting better at allowing him to run around pretending to sword fight everyhing in sight and only step in if he's getting OTT with other children.

smoggie · 20/06/2006 10:07

Somebody else mentioned a book about 'raising a strong willed child' on another thread - think I'll have a search on Amazon for that too!

Original poster

giraffemad · 20/06/2006 12:37

So familiar! Also tried all the things you have, will try and get hold of a copy of raising boys, think I found it on the amazon website. Was begining to think sending him to boot camp would be a fantastic idea, until he gave me a wonderful cuddle just now and told me he loved me big much :) he can be sooo loving sometimes, but mostly I'm his punch bag and should remember not to get sucked in!!! We seem to be having a good day today, touch wood!!!!!

OP posts:

nadine74 · 21/06/2006 11:22

This isn't only with boys, my two year old daughter too displays aggressive behaviour at times. I think it is about pushing the boundaries and getting a reaction ( and attention) from me. My first daughter was an angel at this stage and didn,t throw a tantrum till aged 5. Boy was i in for a shock when number two hit 18 months!!! What i found was yelling doesn't work, smacking doesn't work. The only thing that works is withdrawing your attention, givening a firm warning of what their aggressive behaviour consequences will be if they do not stop the behaviour, ie. " if you don,t stop hitting you are going to time out" and then following through and actually putting them in their room, cot, time out step etc.....it also gives you time to carm down too

Original poster

giraffemad · 23/06/2006 10:42

I found that putting myself in time out yesterday worked better than putting DS in his room! I just shut him out of the kitchen while I cooked dinner and he kicked the shite out of the door instead of me! We have a stable door between kitchen and diner I felt more in control coz we could still see each other. He's been ok since, but then he is at playgroup now!!

OP posts:

Skribble · 23/06/2006 10:49

Sounds like a testosterone surge combined with toddler tantrums and testing the boundries.

I found my son got very frustrated and scared he didn't like to back down once mad and really needed a get out clause IYKWIM.

I would keep rules consistent, fair, strict and above all simple. Don't confuse or conflict or give lenghty explainations, once the red mist decends they don't hear a word you are saying (perhaps thats a male thing anyway ).

DS needed to know it was OK to be upset and that he could get a cuddle and back down, once he was a bit older we had a key word to use during a rage that meant we both had to stop and cuddle, it was cuddly teddy . Either of us could say it and it just meant enough is enough, stopped me getting mad too .

Original poster

giraffemad · 23/06/2006 13:08

Like the idea of the key word! Will try and remember that for when he's older. I've been scouring the shops for a mini punch bag for him to take his frustration out on, a friend of mine also suggested Judo or karate as they are quite disciplined. Has anyone tried these for their brats? Does it work in your favour or make them more violent!!?

OP posts:

Skribble · 23/06/2006 14:53

I don't know about karate, My DS did Gymnastics, I wish I had got him into to dance before he was old enough to object as it is very disiplined.

Perhaps other lively exhausting activities, sometimes at 3 they are just full of too much energy. even just going to the park and having races and climbing frames in the garden, I would combine this with activities like crafts perhaps that require a bit of concentration and control though.

I think most 3yr old boys resemble wee wild beasties .

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