How do I teach 4YO DD to play on her own?

[snottagecheese]

DD is 4.9 and had always needed masses of input, even as a baby. As she's grown older this manifests itself as needing me to be/play with her every moment of the day when we are at home, to the point where she follows on my heels all around the house, all day long. She wi just about let me go to the loo in peace now, but that is it. For this reason we spend a lot of time out at playgrounds, with friends, etc, but sometimes we need to be at home, because of the weather, DS (7 months) needs to nap, or I have chores to do.

This latter thing is what drives me nuts - I cannot get anything done and she gets SO huffy and cross if I try to peel myself away from her even for a minute. She is resentful even of a 5-minute shower. She will sometimes draw or do a puzzle or look at books for a little while, but this seems to be getting increasingly rare. I feel guilty for how much I say "in a minute", "I need to do this", "I can't play at the moment", and also about how incredibly dull I find it pretending to be My Little Ponies, Tinkerbell, etc when I DO play with her.

What can I do? How can I teach her to play independently more? I've tried to give her ideas and encourage her to pursue them, but it rarely works...

You should have sorted it a bit earlier, not helpful, i know! The only way to teach her is to let her get on with it. Set her up with some toys and go and clean the bathroom or something. Tell her now she is older she must learn to play on her own. If you don't back down, she Will soon get bored.

And don't make the mistake with your next one. Let them play on their own from young.

Is your dd at school ? She can't follow the teacher round because the teacher won't allow it. She Will be encouraged to do things on her own, so you need to not back down and ignore her when she moans.

If she's been used to you playing with her constantly since she was a baby it will be hard work to change things now.

I would get a timer or clock of some kind and start working up from 5 minute intervals - tell her she must leave you alone until the buzzer goes. Once she can do 5 minutes, make it 10, then 15, 20.

Once she has left you alone for 5 minutes, reward her with 5 minutes playing - then go off and do your own thing again.

I also wonder about school/nursery - how does she manage there?

I don't agree that it's something you've 'done' and should be doing differently with your younger one! Some children need more input than others. No doubt some people are blessed with children who can get on by themselves. No doubt they think it's down to their superior parenting skills! Surely the personality of the child is a big factor.

How about setting a timer, and having her play by herself for that long, with the promise of some together time afterwards? You could gradually increase the time.

X-post with timer idea!

It's probably a mix of child's personality and parent's personality - some children are more demanding, some parents (as the OP says!) feel guilty about not playing/interacting all the time.

I'd like to think, as Judy says, that it's mostly down to her personality - she's an incredibly full-on child, always has been - she's 90mph about everything, unless she's sleeping. I guess I should have tried a bit harder to foster the independent playing earlier, but honestly, I don't think it's that that's the problem. And it's not that she needs ME, per se - just someone. If she has friends over for playdates, or goes with them to the park, playground, pool, etc, then I don't see her for dust. Likewise at school (she's starting reception next week, but has been semi-full time in the nursery class for a year), and plays fine with the other kids there.

I like the timer idea though, and I will try it, thank you.

I think it is mostly personality (plus the fact she has a new baby brother).

It will be cold comfort but my own DD (4.2 years) is hugely independent. She will (and I do not exaggerate) disappear to her room and potter around for two or three hours at a stretch.

I haven't done anything at all to make her like this (or at least not consciously). It's just how she is. Same with her first day at preschool - she trotted off merrily with only the smallest wobble of the lip. She's starting school soon and Ive asked her if she's nervous. She says or course she isn't, she's excited.

She is a pain in the bum in other ways though! (Drama queen, hysterics you get the picture!)

Try playing with her more and enjoying it. Sounds counter intuitive but give her positive attention, don't let on that you find her games boring. Do this for 15 mins at a time then do what you need to. So a positive spin on the timer idea.

Also involve her in what you're doing, be it cooking or cleaning etc. that'll have her running but seriously, try it. She gets your attention, learns something and you get stuff done.

Although I agree it's partly down to personality, I also think how you respond to the demands for constant attention are crucial. My DD has always needed lots of input from us too, but as she's got older I have increasingly told her no, I need to do this now, you go and play on your own. DH on the other hand has always been much softer than me and given in more easily, with the result that DD now often plays quite happily on her own for half an hour when she's with me, but still mostly whines when DH tries to do something other than play with her.

It hasn't been easy getting here, but if you stick to your guns and just tell her you've got other things to do for a little while she should eventually be able to let you get on with it. At that age I really don't believe she needs you all the time anymore.

Does she prefer 'pretend' games?

I find DS (2.6 so younger admittedly) wants someone to pretend with him, but doesn't like to colour with me, and when he plays his mini-computer (does phonics and learning games) hates input.

Perhaps you could encourage activities like that? Things that are absorbing, rather than interactive, so that she has a mix of the two.