how to deal with a provoker

[kitbit]

My ds is 19mths and has bitten at nursery twice in the last couple of weeks. Both times the same little girl. I picked him up last week and as I was going over to him she rushed up to him and tried to forcibly take his spade. She was very rough and was pushing him and he got very upset and was holding on very tight so that it (and her hands) were close to his face. I could see him struggling with her and she ws shouting at him, very close to his face, and if I hadn't been over there immediately I think he would probably have gone in for another chomp.
This happened 2 days in a row at pickup time and both times I intervened and even with him in my arms she was yelling around me trying to jump up and take the spade, and ds was getting quite agitated (she's much bigger than him).
Of course it´s not ok to bite and we are obviously addressing this (although I have to say we never bully him this way to provoke him into biting so its hard but we are trying to give the right messages with positive reinforcement, sharing practise etc), but I am concerned that this little girl is bullying him and he's being severely provoked. The nursery seem more concerned with sitting my ds on the thinking chair and giving all the attention to the little girl which is normally a good way to deal with the biter/bitten I know, but I want to discuss with them how to deal with her behaviour as I feel it's very unfair when both little parties need some help to know how to behave here.
Need some wise information please mumsnetters, how do you deal with a provoker? TIA

I would have to chat to the nursery abou this, I am urprised that they have not noticed it if the behaviour is as extreme as you describe. If they have not noticed or are not attending to it then this is a serious matter.

I would just ask to chat to the manager and explain what you have seen and ask what steps they are taking to remedy the whole sorry situation as it needs attention quickly IMO.

It would be horrible for a little girl of that kind of age to feel that bullying type behaviour is ok, never mind the further implications for your ds.

I think you're absolutely right - I would expect the nursery to intervene before it gets to the stage where your ds feels that threatened. If they stopped her in the early stages the biting would never happen, surely? At this age children may understand "no" but often are not yet emotionally mature enough to obey it ime so I would expect the nursery to be doing more tbh.

Kitbit, I have gone away and thought about this some more and realised that, if I walked into nursery and found this situation occuring I would be livid, I would want to know what the hell was going on. That sort of behaviour is not allowed in either of the nurseries I use and would have got the provoker seriously in trouble. They are very big on respecting each other and this just wouldn't have happened, which is why I would have reacted so strongly if I saw it IYSWIM. THe more I think about it, the more angry I am on your behlaf!

hmm... problem I have is that we are in a spanish village and the ratio of staff here is 1:12 so I know although they do their best, they are not as good at keeping a close eye. Plus, sad to say, the little girl in question is very cute with big eyes and ringlets, and it seems a lot of people spend a lot of time patting her and saying how lovely she is. hmm! I agree with you both, (and thanks for being cross on my behalf securmummy!)and I think I need some constructive thoughts with which to approach the nursery as at the moment all I can do is say I'm not happy, and I want to be able to tell them what I'd like them to be doing about it.

Ok, well how about they do a learning session based on how to be a good friend.

You know, a kind of good friend bad friend type role play;

If you are playing with your friend and they picked up your toy to give you would they be a good friend or a bad friend... all kids shout out answer. If they shouted and tried to snatch would they be... shout answer

Then at end, wht do you do if someone is behaving like a bad friend... you shout "YOU ARE BEING A BAD FRIEND I ONLY PLAY WITH GOOD FRINEDS" and walk away.

Of course much more fun and less direct to a particualar behaviour IYSWIM, however, what this does is give the children a clear strategy to deal with behaviour they don't like and a way to draw the helpers attention to what is happening. It means they are using their mouths and taking action - without a violent response and the child in question is getting an immediate unwanted response from all the children whoever she tries to "pick on" .

I am sure that lables such as this will be frouwned on by MN jury, however I htink it could be really effective