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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How can I stop my 3.5 year old grabbing my face?

25 replies

PavlovtheCat · 27/08/2013 18:16

He pulls and grabs it all the time. He plays with it constantly, absentmindedly, he pinches, grabs, rubs it with his hands, he rubs his face against mine constantly. He squeezes me quite hard around the neck/head area and it really is starting to get me down. It hurts. It makes my skin sore as it's constant. My skin feels raw most of the time. Occasionally he grabs the back of my hair to keep my head still while he wipes his face over mine.

He does this probably at least half of the day, in fact it's any time he is around me. he also kisses me really hard, but it's not so much a kiss as more a pushing of his face onto mine.

It is worse when he is tired as he does it to snuggle, or, when he has just woken up. but, at the moment it's just relentless.

I constantly ask him to stop. I move his hands away, he then starts his kissing me and saying 'i'm just kissing you mana'.

It's claustrophobic. It's actually really starting to upset me as 1)I can't have any cuddle or contact with him without him hurting my face at the moment 2) I can't wear any make-up, for work or whatever as he just rubs it all off.

I know, I know, cute. Lovely. Loving. Caring. Affectionate. But, no, it's not that any more, it's too much, too often. It's not affection, it's like an obsession.

Any ideas how I can break it? He is almost 4 years old (well, sort of, end of November). Not a baby any more and I want it to stop. I just want to have normal kisses and cuddles. Face stroking is ok, ie when he is tired, I still like to have contact and closeness, but not so it hurts my skin even when he is not rubbing it. At the moment when he puts his face near mine, I pull away and I don't want to do that, I want to enjoy the cuddles and love.

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Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 27/08/2013 18:20

He also taps me, not just to get my attention, but just when he is around me, he taps me, arms, face, head. Constantly.

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sophj100 · 27/08/2013 22:05

My 4 year old is exactly the same, plus he is obsessed with my bosoms and even asks for them. He is licking me now and biting my clothes, always has to be close to me and not his father. I assume he feels reassurance to be so close to me and it is claustrophobic and gives me a headache after a while. It's almost like he's trying to climb inside me! He had a diagnosis of ASD two months ago but this part of it, is more a nervous energy that he cannot control and a need to become part of me. I wonder if this might be some hyper activity or ADHD but am going back to the Developmental Paediatrician to see.

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 28/08/2013 17:13

DS doesn't have ADHD or ASD, well, not that I am aware of! But, I agree with the whole thing about trying to be part of me. It's like he needs to be attached to me physically, it's ultra clingy and it is stifling. I can't move for him being on me a lot of the time.

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Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 29/08/2013 07:54

Does anyone have any ideas what this is all about and how to get him to stop? I gently pull his hands away, pull his face away, and I say 'no, that hurts mummy', 'stop pulling my face' 'stop it'. I try mostly, to be firm but gentle, but, tbh, after 5 times of asking in 2 mins of him continuously doing it, over and over, going back to my face, I am getting cross with him.

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ZolaBuddleia · 29/08/2013 08:01

I HATE anything like this! DD sometimes does it and I bollock her for her it, it makes me claustrophobic and I hate books/toys etc being brandished in my face.

My compromise is that I let her play with my hair but I won't let her rub her hands over my face.

What happens if you tell him off, rather than just ask him to stop?

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 29/08/2013 08:22

He either says 'sorry' and stops, for a second, or he kisses my face, or puts his arms around my neck and cuddles into me, he says 'love you mama' in a way that suggests he knows I am not happy with it, and stops. Earlier he slid down with tears in his eyes and went into his bedroom. He knows I don't like it as it's been a problem for ages. He always always stops when I ask him, but it's some kind of automatic behaviour that means almost instantly his hands wonder back there again.

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Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 29/08/2013 08:25

He has just done it right this second. He is sat on the arm of the sofa watching tv. He has slid down to sit next to me for a cuddle. Lovely. All snuggled in between me and corner of sofa. As soon as he was there his hand went straight up to my face and absent0mindedly stroked it/played with it. He has stopped now, I just moved his hand away.

OP posts:

ZolaBuddleia · 29/08/2013 08:31

Straitjacket?

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 29/08/2013 08:36

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Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 29/08/2013 08:36

then he would just rub his face against mine instead. Or, use his feet

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sophj100 · 29/08/2013 22:42

Exactly the same as my boy. He can switch from "I love you mummy" and then push his nose so hard against mine, as if to show me - I say that hurts and he giggles....hmmmm. I say firmly to stop it or gently and then I take his hand and show how he can gently stroke, rather than poke or grab, but it doesn't take long, before the rough stuff starts again. Love hurts!

Maybe you could see a Paediatrician and see if there is some reason for his need to be so close to you. I call my son 'space invader', because that's exactly what he does!

MissFenella · 29/08/2013 22:49

My DD2 does this too, and likes to plant kisses on me. I feel its just attention grabbing and felt I was being harsh to think she was trying to control me but having got lots of reassurance from above I no longer feel quite so mean - so thanks.

I must admit I say "no, that is too much, we do nice kisses and kind hands but only briefly. If you do it all the time mummy doesn't feel its a nice hug"
Not sure if that i right or wrong but it does stop and then I distract.

It is suffocating so my sympathies.

MissFenella · 29/08/2013 22:54

Oh and the latest thing for her at the mo is to say she needs a hug because she is sad. This usually happens when I am with DH, DD1 or cooking etc. I feel its just a continuation of the smothering kisses.

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 30/08/2013 09:50

miss I feel guilty too, and when he looks sad I worry that he will learn that I don't want hugs or kisses. And I do! I love them! I love snuggles, and cuddles and when he puts his arms around my head. I love him kissing my face. But it goes further than that and he squeezes too hard or rubs too hard, or keeps doing it when it would normally stop.

I tried just 'going with it' thinking, he is only little and soon enough I will be forcing him to cuddle his mama! But, it actually hurts as he rubs. It's not that he rubs too hard, but he rubs for too long, and it's the constant of the grabbing that actually hurts.

I have noticed though, since posting this, that I stroke his face, both the children's faces; I will say 'you ok baby?' big smile and a little face or hair stroke. So maybe he is just copying me but in a more exaggerated manner

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Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 30/08/2013 09:51

soph I did think about asking the doc, but thought maybe it sounded stupid, 'my son touches my face too much' as it sounds adorable. And it looks so to others.

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TheCountessOlenska · 30/08/2013 16:38

DD is like this when she's tired - her trick is too get behind me on the sofa and put her arms round my neck which then leads to twisting and pulling my hair ... drives me crazy, particularly when i'm bf-ing the baby too! If i can, I get up and walk away - I will try saying what you say missfenella rather than snapping gerroff me

I always think it's a hang over from breastfeeding her till she was 2.4 - the need to be so close to me. She has never had dummy/ blankie - I AM her blankie!

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 30/08/2013 20:57

thecountess yes, that's exactly it, I am his blanky or his dummy. That's how he uses me. He was bf until 16-17 months.

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sophj100 · 01/09/2013 22:27

Pavlov.. don't worry about sounding silly - anything that causes you worry, or concern, or even just a habit you want to understand, is worth seeking reassurance for. The Paediatrician did say to me that maybe my son was still unsure where he ends and I begin, or that we're part of the same thing. Sounds odd, but it does sometimes feel that he's trying to re-connect to where he feels he belongs, so makes some sense.

I didn't breastfeed, yet my son's obsession with my bosoms would imply that he still was! They are obviously a source of comfort and a place where he rested against, as a baby.

racingheart · 01/09/2013 22:46

Be blunt with him. If he says 'Just kissing you,' say 'No you're not, you're hurting me. this is a kiss.' And show him a light kiss on the cheek or the top of the head.
Say, 'Stop. That hurts' quite sharply. If he gets upset, let him be upset and then explain that cuddles must never hurt or suffocate the person being cuddled. It has to be gentle and it has to stop when the other person wants it to stop.

You could even go out and buy a big cuddly toy for him to nuzzle over affectionately if he really needs to, so that he learns the difference between gentle interaction with humans and playing however he likes with inanimate objects.

Far more important for him to learn correct boundaries than for his feeling to be protected when he's behaving inappropriately.

Imo there's an unhelpful parenting trend these days never to let a child's feelings be hurt or doubted or put down. Constant put downs are awful, but a robust character can only be built when they learn right from wrong and that they can survive a telling off and still be loved.

FetchezLaVache · 01/09/2013 22:54

My son's that age and does it too from time to time. I tell him it hurts and ask him to stop. If he does it again, I warn him that I'll put him down/get out of bed/go into the other room if he doesn't stop. Then suit actions to words if it happens again. He's starting to get the message...

Goldmandra · 01/09/2013 23:07

It sounds like he's fulfilling quite a strong sensory need by doing this and it may not all be linked to being close to you.

My DD2 used to be like this but the OT who participated in her assessment for ASD taught me to look at problem behaviour, work out what she's getting from them and help her find that stimulation in a different way.

In your position I would get some sensory toys, fiddles and fidgets, soft fabrics, stress balls, bubble wrap, etc and see what he enjoyed most. Then every time he was rough with my face I would very consistently redirect him to whatever sensory object was appropriate and get him to use that instead.

Then I would praise him every time he caressed or kissed my face in a more gentle, pleasant manner so that he learned what was appropriate as well as what was inappropriate.

sophj100 · 02/09/2013 11:48

Great advice Goldmandra - deflecting attention from yourself to some sensory toys. My son (also ASD) is not easily persuaded by many of these toys but is very interested in fabrics and lights, so definitely worth a go.

valiumredhead · 02/09/2013 12:22

Stand up and walk away if he carries on after you have asked him not to. He's 3.5 years not a tiny baby. If he gets upset you can explain to him how to do it gently.

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 02/09/2013 22:12

Thanks everyone. I love the sensory ideas. He is very touchy and feely, but surprisingly not that interested in a teddy bear for bed etc, although I have tried to encourage. He used to insist I sleep with him as he went to sleep but managed to break that habit, he does have a bear, but he rotates it, and sometimes it's a lego figure, sometimes he doesn't want it.

I have noticed he does the face thing more, and very insistently when
a) he is scared - if he sees a wasp or similar, or something frightening on tv (DD is 7 so she puts on cbbc sometimes before realising it's scary for him)
b) he is insecure - I am going to work/just got home from work
c) he has just woken for a nap (worst at this time than any other time I would say)
d) he is tired
e) when he has been told off/done something wrong

He also does it other times, but not with such vigour, with such insistence.

I will try to remove his hands and replace with something else that he likes to touch instead when he does this, and use some of the suggestions about to talk to him, as I have become too frustrated and cross about it.

Since I started this thread I have been less cross, more firm and direct with what I want, what he is doing wrong, and how he can do it right (and reassuring that I love cuddles, and kisses and what he does that is right), we shall how it works with that and the sensory stuff, but I suspect I might have to ride it out!

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mitchsta · 05/09/2013 16:23

My brother did this with my mum when he was that age. She didn't stop it to the extent she'd liked - although it must have stopped at some point as he's not still at it now he's in his 20s! - but it became manageable when he found one of her silk nighties that he loved the feel of and played with that instead. That would support the suggestion that alternative sensory options are the way forward. Just a case now of finding one that works

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