15 month old starts screaming as soon as he sees other carers

[bvmsmummy]

My 15 month old DS has started to scream and cry and cling to my body like a little koala as soon as he sees his other carers. This is not the first time we have had separation anxiety. We tried to put him in nursery two afternoons a week when he was 12 months but he was so upset (after weeks of perseverance) that we gave up and even the nursery staff agreed we couldn't leave him there in such a state.

He was born seven weeks early and in hospital for three weeks so I don't know if that has something to do with it. He has never been the best at going to other people but he is getting better and most of the time he copes when I leave the room etc. He is fine with his dad and his granny but not the other two women who baby sit him for us.

I find it really, really hard and can't just walk away especially since he cries as soon as he sees them so I'd be handing over a screaming baby. Its even harder because they come to our house and I work from home.

I need some advice! Will he recover more quickly each time if I just leave his sight straight away as lots of the information I read seems to suggest. Or will that just leave him feeling very anxious but holding it inside as I feel.

Any advice please...

Who are these carers? What are their thoughts on this?

Hi CreatureRetorts. Good question, just didn't want to over complicate my question with lots of explanation.

One day a week he has a lovely nanny, she is young but very experienced. Then one half day a week my young cousin (who is just sixteen) comes to our flat and watches him whilst I stay in the house and work. i.e. I don't leave her with full responsibility. But she has lots of little sisters and is great with him.

My Mum (who he is fine with) watches him one day a week and then obviously my husband too.

And their thoughts are that its hard and they have never experienced such an extreme reaction before. They both want to be guided by me...

It could be that he doesn't see them often enough. Also it's the typical age for separation anxiety. My dd was like this and only recently (20 months) has she got more sociable - she had reflux and didn't sleep well for a long time so my theory was she was tired and grumpy!
I'd make handover very quick and stay completely out of sight/hearing. Be bright, breezy and relaxed. Don't come and take over. Why doesn't the nanny do both days? That would reduce the change for him.

I wish she could do both days! Shes not free :( We had to make a very quick arrangements when he wouldn't settle at nursery as I have to work so thats why we ended up with so many - not ideal I know.

OK so you'd go for quick and breezy - I'm up for trying that. I mean I do try to be breezy, cheery, not step in but I feel as if I'm tricking him or something. He literally sobs and screams and to hand him over in that state feels so cruel.

He will pick it up in your body language if he senses you're not quite relaxed. But yes, bright, breezy and hand over then go. Does he calm down after a time? Does he have a comforter or favourite toy?

Has he been checked for reflux, ear problems etc? Long shot but worth considering.

Thanks for all this CreatureRetorts.

He is a bit under the weather today and has generally got a bit of a dodgy tummy and had reflux (all to do with the prematuruity I think) and you're right its good to remember all that. Although it actually makes me a bit more confused cause I think - well if he's not well then I definitely shouldn't leave him!

He does have a favourite toy - who is in the wash today because of an accident yesterday... again not much help!

I think maybe he would calm down quicker if I just left, as it is I've been staying and he doesn't calm down really untill he falls asleep or it takes ages but then when he does calm he's TOTALLY fine.

I think you are right, I need to hand over and disappear from sight - its confusing him that I don't. What's stopping me is an innate feeling that maybe mothers shouldn't be leaving their babies if they get upset about it and that if I just stayed and tried to calm his anxiety (and nanny / cousin would actually have to leave because he cries as long as they are in sight) he would grow out of this eventually and be more confident and secure because I had stayed with him.

But that is not possible. I need to work...

So difficult. We had similar meltdowns when dd's nanny would arrive at our house. We tried a few different techniques but eventually nanny quit & it was a relief all round tbh! My dps now have her everyday that I work which dd is happiest with- I knew nursery wouldn't be right for her yet& i am aware we are fortunate to have that as an option. Could additional days with granny be possible? If not, then I'm sure if you persist he will get used to the other carers. Perhaps put pictures of them around the house, or make a photo book with friends & family inc them? Meet them at soft play or other places he has a positive association with at weekends?
Does he like being around other dcs? If so, would a childminder be an option?

Hi Magicstars, I'm sorry I've only just seen this! Those are some really helpful thoughts. I think we will try the photo book idea - it sounds like a nice thing to do any way. And yeah maybe meet up at the weekends or another day if she is free. We'll see! Thanks again, good advice! x