help me cope with comparisons

[championworrier]

Please help with this one. I was constantly negatively compared to my cousins and peers when growing up by my mum who has her own MH issues. It has meant I've had to put a huge amount of work into my own self esteem, self image and feelings of jealousy, etc. Now in my thirties and have pretty much cured myself except I find myself falling into the same trap with my pfb who is ten months old.

His cousin is five weeks older than him and is streets ahead of him in development. From day one she was a dream child, rarely cried, slept through the night from six weeks, no prob with teething, now is standing and pointingto objects, etc. My DS is a wwonderful little guy but has just about mastered crawling along the floor and does seem to be developmentally slower. Because of my own issues I realise that when my DH and MIL talk of his cousin's dev it cuts me to the core ,- I just worry constantlyabout DS and also worry if I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life hearing them being constantly compared. Please help me cope with this...

You poor thing - comparisons are never nice no matter which side of the coin you're on (ahead/behind). Both mine have cousins very close in age and the comparisons have just about driven me nuts at times. I remember feeling worried when mine was behind, frustrated beyond belief when DS was labeled a problem child as compared to his easyigoing cousin, and guilty (!) when they're ahead. Just can't win really.

However - it gets easier once kids are out of babyhood I've found. Their personalities start coming out it's easier to appreciate them uniquely as opposed to milestone nonsense. Also it helps to school yourself to think non-competitively and to shut down any competitiveness from others by not responding, or with a "that's nice" and move on. That's helped me loads.

My DCs are also compared with cousins close in age, and I agree it does get easier once they are through all of the babyhood milestones and able to start asserting their own personalities and likes/dislikes.

It doesn't stop my PILs from trying to impose their own little comparisons onto my DCs, but it certainly helps when my DC1 is able to turn around and say "No, Nana, that's not right!" (Proud Mum emoticon).

Also, it is emotionally healthier for you (and them) to accept that some people will always be more advanced/talented/successful than them throughout their lives. That's the deal! The most important thing is to fulfil one's own potential, and live a happy and full life.

Do you love your dh/dp because he's a genius or because he's just himself? I try to think like that to avoid comparison - being happy and successful in life doesn't come down to what age you walked/talked/won your first chess tournament. And kids change loads - you might find that in a couple of years roles are reversed.

Not all daffodils flower on the same day.

You DS will do his own thing in his own time, and my well do brilliantly as an adult. Just because another baby is ahead of him now means very little.

My DB and SIL are very academic, and my DM made it very clear she thought their DC, who is slightly younger than my DC would quickly catch up and over take academically. But do you know what? My DC is really good at things their cousin isn't. She is really funny and throws herself at everything 100%. As you say, your DS is a wonderful little boy.

My DP always tell people he is 35 but has the reading age of a 37 year old.
Comparisons are not useful and hurtful but they will always be made.
You do seem to be more worried than normal unless Thus is just a rant maybe you still need some work on your own self esteem.
Btw- My own daughter didn't walk or talk till the older end of normal and made up for it very quickly.

I hated this with Dd but have just kind of accepted it with ds. It stops for a while when they have hit all their baby milestones but starts up again with school.. other mums Luke do do abit of the "what reading level is your at" as if they are being polite and interested in your child when really they just want to have a nose.

My advice is just ignore it.. my MIL is still in competition with her brothers with what their grandchildren are good at. It really is never ending. Ignore ignore ignore...

Like to do*

My mate has a girl 2 weeks older than my 2 boys. She was way ahead on various thing than my two. Mine were better talkers (quicker) and walkers. Their night routine was quicker and other things too. She was much better colouring in and writing etc so you willl have all this to come. All kids are different but I think judging boys against girls - especially twins - was always going to highlight differences. My boys are about 2 months apart developmentally and they're 5 now.

mil sounds pretty insensitive to me. Mine drove sil mad by going on about dd's apparently 'advanced' development . It makes her feel like a failure and dd just seems normal to me .

Can you tell her you are sick of it?