21 month old hysterical at bedtime - bullet pointed for easy reading. Help needed.

[MrGEnglish]

Moved from bed to cot 4 weeks ago because she suddenly became hysterical at bedtime and managed to climb out of cot.

We made a big deal of the whole 'big girl bed' thing. She has had her 3 year old cousin stay over one night who slept in the bed opposite the cot/bed in the hope it would encourage her to want to sleep in the 'big girl bed'.

Can't pinpoint a change that might have caused this change in behaviour.

Have now put a stair gate on her bedroom door, leave the main door open (with gate closed), night light on.

Bedtime routine consists of bath, bottle, 'in the night garden' (in living room), story book and song once in bed.

As I go to leave, she is right behind me screaming hysterically.

She has managed to climb over the gate so I have raised it a couple of inches. She can still climb over the gate if hysterical enough.

I have tried:

• reading several stories and singing several songs
• as above and with my hand on her back/bum

THESE TWO CAN TAKE UP TO AN HOUR.

• leaving the room and waiting in my room (has worked once as she went back to her bed on her own after 4 mins) - this would be ideal if it was the norm.
• waiting on a stool in front of the gate whilst she screams hysterically and attempts to get over the gate. I moved her hands off the gate and lowered her back down whilst calmly instructing her to return to bed and that I would wait here. NEVER AGAIN! AND I HOPE AND PRAY THIS IS NOT 'THE' WAY TO DO IT.

Please, any advice on what to do here.
FYI, I have managed to get her down and out of the room within 15mins. But this was because she was tired enough to fall asleep in that time.

Ideally, I want to do the whole bedtime routine (and I don't mind reading a few stories) but leave her in a calm state in the room to settle herself.

I have a nearly 20 month old (my second). I moved my eldest into a bed at a similar age - he seemed too young so holding off with dd.

With her, her routine is short and sweet. We end with a feed in the dark then she likes a cuddle. If I try and put her down to soon she clings on for dear life. So what I do is wait until she's relaxed and then she let's me put her down and I say good night then leave while awake.

This is a recent development - previously I had to cuddle her until she was fast asleep. But I wasnt bothered as prior to that she was going into her cot awake.

Basically I'm trying to say, just stay with her until she sleeps. Then every now and then keep trying. It's a phase. It will pass - you won't be stuck in her room until she's 18 years old

No expert as my lo is still in a cot but have you tried the 'rapid return' or 'gradual retreat' I saw it on tv

reading back - I would ditch the tv - why tv before bed

What works for me when dd has a bad spell is to do her usual routine and then sit on the chair in her room and just ignore her, she doesn't cry when I do that and if I just ignore her she quickly goes to sleep. It tends to take about a week then she's fine to leave straight away. I quite enjoy the time because I can just relax and read or mn on my phone but it gives her the reassurance she needs at that time.

Time. consistency.

Probably don't want to hear this, but this started with ds when we put him in a bed at that age. stair Gate on his room etc.

dropping pm nap helped.
sticking resolutely to our guns, in the face of fierce opposition, helped.
Did the whole super nanny thing: tske back to bed, drop, go. Up to 20 times on some memorable occasions.

of course, we also resorted to shouting, pleading, bribing, threatening and even crying at times, but eventually, at 3 or thereabouts, we won. For good. ds even turns his own light off now and sometimes asks us to go!

It wasn't always screaming and crying on his part, around 2, he started doing it because he thought it was funny.

dd is now 21 months and staying in her cot as long as possible, as I'm not sure I've got the stamina for another war.

and we used to do betime routine (which is still the same):

up at 630.
Little play, pjs on, teeth, wee.
2 stories, leave. or, in dd s case, creep out ninja style once she's out.

A great start.

Thanks everyone.

"It won't last forever. It won't last forever. It won't last forever."

Glad I don't seem to be the only one, have posted about my DS2 2.3 before. It's all a game to him and it drives us mad! Takes ages to settle, then he's up in the night and awake early. Nap or no nap at lunchtime don't make any difference. Thought about a reward chart but thing he's a bit young?

I would either ditch the TV or change the order - TV, bath, bottle, story, bed.

Honestly, tried absolutely everything with ds - even a gro clock. The only thing that got him down in the end (I think) was being old enough to get what we wanted.

I do remember on one occasion banning Cbeebies for life. Talk about never issuing a sanction you're not prepared to carry out!

He (3.11) still wakes occasionally for a wee or because he can't fins his teddy or because he loves me or because he's lonely. However, he can be steered back to bed easily enough. He is full of pride every mornign that "I stayed in bed all night last night!" Although he doesn' know that some peopple consider 6am to be the middle of the night.

In hindsight, DS used to be quite creative and at times, hilarious. He'd throw all of his bedclothes on to the floor, and all his teddies over teh stairgate (another techniques to keep him in his room) and just stand there, arms out, eyes wide, exclaiming: "Oh no! What a mess!"

He once crept downstairs, then walzed into teh living room, before plonking himself down and asking: "What's going on here then?" GEnuinely didn;t know whether to laugh or cry.

It gets better surprisingly quickly though; it's been a hellish year, and yet I can't remember just how awful it was. AWful enough not to want a third child, but not enough to make me hold it against him for life.

I know it's not the done thing but I do bath, teeth then bottle of warm milk in bed. It might not be the best for his teeth but it's working! By the time he's finished the milk he's too sleepy to fight.

I agree-drop the tv or have it before bath time so she's not getting all excited before bed. Good luck!

My DS (23 months now) was the perfect sleeper until 9 months then the next 8 months were awful I tried all sorts even resorted to cry it out but it was absolutely horrendous so I ended up on the floor next to his cot every night until he fell asleep would sometimes be 3 or 4 hours later!! Humming singing stroking holding his arm through the bars until he fell asleep I would try moving slowly closer and closer to the door I could have just my big toe in the room and he would be fine but as soon as he couldn't see any part of me anymore he would go back to being hysterical and actually injuring himself so i just decided I would put him in his cot and straight away lie next to him and try leaving once a week he stopped sleeping through at the same time so if he fell asleep at 10 he would be awake again at half 1 I had to do the whole thing again. After a few months a very bedraggled looking mummy and a messy house from being so exhausted one night I put him in his cot said goodnight and left! He made no fuss what so ever and has made no fuss since He just grew out of it since then he mostly sleeps through the odd few nights he has woken but has gone straight back to sleep with a little reassurance and as soon as he goes in his cot he says goodnight and I leave and he goes to sleep! Time is the only advise I have as much as you wanted a magic cure I know I did! Otherwise a hammer might do the trick!

We tried putting dd into a bed when she was 23 months, first week was fine then she was horrendous. She went from 7-7 sleeping to taking an hour to get to sleep, numerous night wakings and getting up at 5am. I'm afraid I didn't have the stomach for it and put her back in a cot. She did climb out a couple of times but I think this was only when the chair was too close to the cot, she seems to have forgotten that she can do it now anyway and we're back to normal. If your dd only climbed out once what about reverting to cot and trying again another time. I've since read that 3 is considered the right age and all my friends children who are the same age are still in cots so not worrying about it for now!

I think that you need to pick a potential solution and give it a week of consistently applying it. Whether you choose gradual retreat, controlled crying or whatever looks most suitable for you and her. After doing it for a week, then look again at whether it has been successful, is getting there or is no help at all. If there are other adults who do bedtime, you need to agree the method with them as there is no point being undermined part way through.

And don't stress if you get there and then lose it again. It is much easier to get back on track if you have had a method that worked before.

Keep returning back to bed saying 'back to bed' no other conversation, over and over again...

Wine helps

For you not her!