Smacking/pushing other children, advice/tips needed for my soon to be three year old daughter..

[lucylev]

Hello,

I have a daughter who will be three in October, she is a fantastic little girl very c

Very confident, not atall shy and enjoys most things, however, when it comes to playing with other children whether we are at the park/friends houses or friends to us she can be very boystros, intimidating and somewhat a nightmare, I know whenever we go there is going to be a problem whether she's hit, swiped or push a child.
She has been with a child minder since 8months every morning whilst I work and has been there with one boy a year older since she started and the other for the last 6months ( both boys are lovely and they all get on like brothers/sisters, they are well looked after and the child minder is lovely wonan and tells me there is no fighting there and my daughter obeys her well)
When telling my daughter off we don't shout come down to her level and tell her that whatever she has done us wrong and that we don't do that and if she does it again we will go home ( we have only just started leaving where we are and this is going ok) but I hate coming home especially if we have gone to meet friends etc,
Any tips/advice on dealing with her behaviour and trying to teach her that what she is doing us wrong and unacceptable would be greatly appreciated. I feel myself getting very nervous when we are out now and saying sorry over and over again to the same mum when out is embarrassing, any advice on what to say to mums if children she's attacked?!
Many thanks
Sorry for the long post/bad spelling on mob

Also just to add she always wants to play she's very sociable and talk/plays with anyone, sometimes I feel that all she wants is a play mate where ever we are and if they don't want to play with her my daughter will then react by swiping /pushing them, she's a very tall 2.10 year old do looks a lot older than what she is, I just want to be able to go to a park and enjoy watching her play nicely rather than sitting there waiting for her to attack a child

Have you spoken to her about the 'real' consequences of her behaviour? The fact that if she hits other children then they won't want to play with her?

We noticed our 2.9yo dd starting to develop a similar pattern of behaviour and we have started to train her in how to 'be friendly' . We have taught her how to say "Hello what's your name" and "Do you want to play with me?"

This is working quite well so far, mainly because it puts a much more positive spin on the way we talk about her behaviour. Instead of telling her not to hit, we can tell her to 'be friendly' and she knows what we mean.

you are not alone , my ds is exactly the same and its incrediably hard going :(

You have told her she has to come home if she does this and you are carrying through with this- sounds like you are doing absolutely the right thing. It may not stop at once- the urge to hit can be stronger than any urge to think through the consequences at this age- but eventually it will sink in. Hang in there.

My ds1 was very much like this. It started from around 18 months and hit full force around the age your dd is. It's incredibly hard going, I stopped going out to places where other kids may be at one point - even the park was a fraught experience and left trips to play groups and soft play to our nanny, as she wouldn't get so emotionally stressed by it all. He is 4 now and although he has the very occasional incident (now it is only when provoked) he plays wonderfully with a close, chosen set of friends. Some other kids set him off and I respect his feelings and don't make him play with friends' dc who he doesn't like (or moreover, goad him). I tried every trick in the book to stop his behaviour, but ultimately, although that may have sped things up, he has just had to grow out of it. He didn't truly understand consequences until age 3. The difference is really pronounced between him and my dd (coming up to 2). She responds much more to consequences now as her speech and understanding is far more advanced than my ds's was at the same age. She tried to manhandle a toy buggy off another child recently - when I told her not to snatch and directed her what to do, she immediately handed it back, saying sorry. Ds NEVER would have reacted like that - if anything, he would have carried on with e pushing even worse. I dealt exactly the same way with both dc...they are just different. Ds1 was largely non verbal until 2.5years old though, dd2 is talking in full sentences at 22 months- that may well be the difference. What is your ds's speech like?

I meant Dd, not ds, sorry !

My DD has just turned 3 and is like this (has been for about 6 months).

I think that her impulse control is pretty poor, as is her verbal communication, meaning she lashes out at other children when they do things she does not like rather than saying "oi, don't do that" or whatever.

We are also leaving places when she is mean to other children after explaining it is wrong and why we have to leave, sadly she sometimes says "good! I want to go home, I don't like that child!" (She is much more verbal with me than with other children) so I am not sure it is working as a punishment...

I am hoping a combination of sanctions, and pre-school 4 mornings a week will help her to learn better social skills, and make her more confident with talking to other children (and therefore not hitting them...)

Oh yes, that reminds me jointhedots ds's behaviour got so much better after being at pre- school. They claim he was never violent once there so he must have just been soaking up the rules and environment and behaving accordingly. :)

My DS was like this. He has two older sisters and was very confident and physical and liable to push and shove etc. It was very very hard for about 6 months. When having coffee with other mothers I had to watch him like a hawk and was constantly apologising / going through the 'NO! that's naughty, we don't push, say sorry....' routine / or leaving (as it was easier). There was no way I could go to toddler groups as they were hell. As he is my third and I've kind of done all that stuff anyway and had enough of it, to be honest I pretty much opted out of toddler socialising (unless it was strictly necessary) for about 6 months. Within that time he developed hugely and all of that sort of pushing / shoving / hitting behaviour just stopped without a great deal of input from me. He is now 4.6 and the most gentle, caring little boy imaginable, very sociable. Your DD will grow out of this. Say NO, tell her off but don't make too huge deal out of it, she is a bit young for a full understanding of consequences, although I would often leave places if things were tricky, I found it easier to keep out of flash point situations in the first place. Be aware of your surroundings and triggers for her and try and avoid them. Be firm, pick her up and remove her from the situation with a clear NO, but don't get too cross or wound up. This is normal, she needs to know boundaries, but there is nothing 'wrong' with her or her behaviour. If you are firm and clear she will grow out of it - it's time and development more than anything