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Behaviour/development

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Problems with behaviour of nearly 6 year old DS

7 replies

upto11 · 23/08/2013 14:19

DS1, who is 6 in September, has always been energetic and but recently his behaviour has really gone downhill. He is frequently very rude towards DH and me, can be quite aggressive, towards me but particularly towards his 2 year old brother and seems incapable of listening at times. I will often say something like 'please don't eat with your mouth open' only to see him doing it 5 seconds later. (Not sure if I'm expecting too much here, but have a real thing about eating with mouths open, and this example could equally well be applied to other things!)

He also talks pretty much constantly. It's sometimes like a stream of consciousness, which can get very wearing at times. If I don't respond, I often get no-one ever listens to me type comments. I frequently get 'I'm bored' and like someone on another thread, he seems to need constant stimulation involving a third party to avoid being 'bored'. He is a v sensitive boy, and can get upset v easily, lots of crying for not much and a mild telling off can result in major tears.

Interestingly he is well behaved at school, and most of the time at his friend's houses, and the teachers all rave about him. He sits still (v rare at home!), concentrates, is kind, helpful. Not meaning to boast here, but just trying to give full pic. Obviously I would prefer it this way round, the bad behaviour reserved for home, but his rudeness in particular is really getting me down and we're not sure how best to deal with it.

It sometimes seems to me like DS can't actually cintros his behaviour, or maybe I'm being far too lenient and there needs to be more of a consequence to some of his actions.

Any advice gratefully received!

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Andro · 23/08/2013 16:45

"I'm Bored" - my response: 'well find something to so then' (fortunately my 6yo is very good at entertaining herself, but this had to be encouraged). I do subscribe to the philosophy that being bored for 10 -20 minutes will not prove fatal.

Rudeness is not tolerated at all; reminder, warning, sanction is what we do and we've followed through when pushed...they tend not to push now because the sanction are selected to make punishment something they want to avoid.

I've probably been lucky with mine in so much as they quickly worked out that DH and I were on the same page and would always follow through - I'm sure we'll have other battles latter on though (once they hit teens probably )

upto11 · 23/08/2013 20:02

Thank you Andro. What sanctions do you impose? I sometimes do no tv, which DS loves, but as he doesn't watch every day it's not really an effective punishment day to day. I know he loves me to read to him at bedtime, some could remove that, but feel very cruel (is it?!) - quite possibly I am just too much of a soft touch!

Must admit that I have recently turned into a rather shouty mother, which I hate and also seems to be totally ineffectual, so I suppose no bedtime story would be better than that. I really shouted v loudly, at DS2 actually, a couple of days ago (he was being v naughty and was on the jumping on the table at the time Blush.) - DS2 just looked at me and said 'no mummy' and DS1 laughed. DD1 slept through it all. I then realised my shouting means nothing to the children at all and only serves to make me feel rubbish about myself.

Arghh I really struggle with this parenting lark sometimes.

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Andro · 23/08/2013 21:36

The sanctions really have to fit your child, so if he's being really rude at bedtime giving a warning (warn him what the sanction will be if he continues) and then removing his story might be appropriate.

With mine, the standard sanction is to send them to the conservatory until they remember their manners - there are no toys, not books, no music, nothing at all to do - and life continues as normal for the rest of the family. If a trip was planned, then it goes ahead...with only 1 parent and the non-offending dc. If baking was planned, it goes ahead. If their grandparents skype from Aus, that goes ahead. All without whoever is being sanctioned. The know life goes on...I've sent each of them to the conservatory once and haven't got past the 'Your tone is rude. I would like an apology and for your to try that request again' or similar without an apology since.

The really big sanction is removal of their music systems - they love their music so that one really hurts.

Removing tv/sweets/toys (in the case of my 6yo) just doesn't work.

The other things that are really important with my two are my tone and demeanour; I don't shout but my voice is very firm, I have also perfected the 'I'm very disappointed in you, you know better than that' look - they hate it and will almost always try to avoid it.

Whatever you choose, make sure you follow through consistently (even if you have to stop and count to 3 so that you act, as opposed to react) otherwise you will make things worse for yourself...dc always seem to know when you're at your weakest/most fraught/most laid back and will play on it. Humph!

Good luck finding something that works...and I doubt you'll fins ANY good parent who doesn't struggle sometimes - it's part of the job description and why Wine and Cake on a Friday evening are such a pleasure Grin

Jemster · 23/08/2013 22:29

I just had to think, did I actually write this without realising?! This describes my ds exactly and he is also nearly 6. I am finding his behaviour very challenging and exhausting. No help I'm afraid but wanted you to know you are not alone!

Andro · 23/08/2013 22:38

What isn't helping right now is that my 6yo most certainly has 'holiday fatigue' and is ready to be back to school.

Jemster · 23/08/2013 22:46

Same here. Mine was just lying around on the floor earlier looking bored. I refused to let him watch tv as he has plenty of things to play with but chooses not to. I have taken him out somewhere nice every day this week but it all seems to get quickly forgotten about. I decided today I can't be pandering to his every whine as I have dd 16 months to keep my eye on. She is like a whirlwind destructing everything in her path right now! If he wants to lie on the floor and sulk then so be it!!

BarbarianMum · 24/08/2013 14:15

The above, although annoying, are all age appropriate and normal behaviours so please don't punish him for them (obviously you keep trying to improve the table manners but it takes time).

When mine say they're board, I put them to work cleaning. Almost immediately, they can think of something they'd rather be doing. But again, its not unusual at this age for them to be bad at entertaining themselves (even if they could previously do so).

With the rudeness, I suggest you choose the bits that annoy/upset you most (tone of voice/shouting/name calling or whatever) and work on those. Personally, I find the trick is being consistent with what you are working on but ignoring as much else as you can (or some days it would be nothing but punish, punish, punish). In our house we use time out - short and sharp. We try v hard not to take away bedtime books, and never for something that's happened earlier in the day.

Ds2 (5) is a real stinker when tired or hungry so a lot of preventative action involves not letting him get exhausted or ravenous.

Basically, though, if he is as lovely as he sounds outside the home you must be doing something right. But its difficult to behave all the time at 6.

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