Calling full-time mums: how do you stay sane & happy?

[Brookville]

I am going slightly crazy as a full-time parent and wondered what advice anyone has on how to keep the balance.

I've got DS1 (2.9) and DD2 (19m) so they are 14m apart. I mind them full time and have no family around. In term time, DS will attend 3hrs of nursery school on 3 mornings a week (this school only offers those hours). I will still have DD2.

DS1 is demanding, impulsive and unfocussed -doesn't play with toys or get involved in anything much- and I'm querying possible ADHD although he is v. young for diagnosis. He is frequently aggressive towards DD2 and this has been going on for over a year and is extremely wearing.

I am low in mood and ratty with them a lot of the time as I feel overwhelmed and am not enjoying it. I used to teach but gave up due to costs.

I am absolutely dreading the autumn and winter and endless freezing outings to the playground which they are both now bored of. I am wondering about finding work and sorting childcare for 2 days but it's messy and hassly with DS1's nursery place which I want to maintain. I also wonder if that's the answer to my issues. After all I did choose to give up work to mind them and was fortunate to be able to do so financially with DH's help. I would feel guilty about putting them in with a childminder.

Does anyone have a similar situation and how do you manage it? I'd be grateful for any inspiration. Thanks!

Oh for the sake of your sanity use a childminder even if it is only for a few h ours once a week. I hummed and haaad for a while before putting my little boy in best decision I ever made and it does him good, the change of scenery will be beneficial for all. It sounds like your older lad will probably benefit from nursery more time with peers, although it may be worth investigating an official diagnosis as then you can have official "yes he has got this" paperwork in place for when he starts school. Yes he's young but the aggression makes me think its something you should discuss with a health visitor for some help if nothing else. Do not feel guilty, yes you chose to give up work lucky enough to be able to do so etc etc (I'm in that spot too) but that does not mean you have traded your right to feel like a normal human being. It is hard work, a little time out really will do you good, feeling resentful towards them is the worst sensation, so a few hours of me time is really the best solution, it really did save my sanity when I thought I was starting to go a bit loco with the 24/7 mothering thing! Good luck xx

Thanks so much Pashazade. Your post really reassured me. Did you work on your 'time off'?

I find having another focus really helps me... I'm an artist and am setting up shop online selling prints. Having something else to think about other than just housework and childcare has really saved my sanity. Mind you I only have one DD at present...about to pop any day with no.2 so not sure how that all works!!!

No one said you needed to keep your sanity. No one said you would keep your sanity.

It's not long til DS2 is 2 and can go to nursery for a few days.

Just hang in there and 'this time will pass'. But another one will come along to bite you soon enough

Regular breaks! I don't always get them but when I do it's heaven, and it recharges my patience.

I still used a childminder when I gave up work with first daughter for twelve hours a week, and also whilst on maternity leave. It really made life a bit easier. Where I am playground with also take children from aged two- I used this too three mornings a week.

Definately get some more hours of childcare from somewhere, if DS1 were away while DD2 napped you could get a short break.

Not long till DS1 gets his 15 hours free childcare which can be split between 2 providers so you will only be paying for a short time.

I find toddler groups and soft play handy once the weather turns, and a bit of telly wont do them any harm!

You sound similar to me, ds1 2.8 yrs, ds2 11 mths, full time mum, ds1 definitely of the spirited variety. Also no family around and that makes a massive difference. Ds1 starting preschool September for 2 mornings a week, so I can spend some babytime with ds2 finally! Like you i have had no break from 2 kids since 2nd was born. Whatever you do don't feel guilty about putting in childcare for a few hours.... I'm sure you've got plenty of friends who have left their kids in childcare for much longer than that since they were about 9 mths old. Those 3 mornings a week might just help maintain your sanity, wait and see.... If they don't, well do what you think best at that time. I agree with lolalotta that another focus would make a difference but with my 2 that just doesn't happen.... I can't even read a book.....it takes me about 4 months in the 10 mins before I fall asleep at night.

I was a full time mum with a 15month gap, then 3 under 3yrs old and I nearly went insane.

Ds1 was happy to stay at home doing baby groups but ds2 was desperate to do more and went to a nursery one morning a week but could happily have done a lot more. I started exercising again seriously and now go out 3 times a week with a group and it's very sociable so really keeps me going through the week.
The guilt is unbelievable - I always planned on being a sahm and I'm not the mum I wanted to be so I spend pretty much every day feeling guilty about what I'm doing/not doing.

CHILDCARE.

That's the secret! My DS has started nursery 2 mornings a week and it's made a huge difference to me. We live abroad and have no family support either and I never planned on being a SAHM so have no high standards for myself .

Otherwise just making sure we get out everyday and do things even if I don't feel like it also helps.

Thanks for the replies, everyone. I am sitting at my desk writing prospective letters to employers! I've heard you should find the job first and then sort the childcare. It's true how often you're not the SAHM you thought you'd be...