5 year-old DS who... wants to interact all the time! (And a stressed mum) (long)

[Darelia]

My 5yo DS is healthy, happy, had great fun last year in reception (learnt English quickly at nursery, we are not from here), sleeps well, eats well, enjoys new activities, etc. But... he talks. All. The. Time.

Actually, it's not just the talking - he wants to get us involved with the stuff he's doing, which is great in itself. But - if I am trying to tidy up (and I have a full-time job so I have to optimise and concentrate) he will interrupt me three times a minute to tell me of three different things he's found or built or wants me to do for him. After a while I will just give up and try to transform it into quality time with him - but then he will wander off to his room and start looking at his books, or play in the garden all on his own, he can be very independent and he always was.

This is getting very stressful for me because my place is in a constant more or less messy state and I feel I have no time for myself. I am developing anxiety. At the same time I feel bad in telling him to leave me alone (even gently) because we do not really spend much time together. And I can't reduce my hours or leave my job.

It is sad that his dad and me went from being in awe of him just because he started speaking and interacting (not early or late, just normal) to being upset at not being able to have a real conversation when he is in the same room. His teacher has reported to us that it is difficult for him to let other children speak and in some groups this creates disruption, and that we should do something about that.

This is sucking the life out of me and moreover I am scared that he will become a clingy man with attachment problems. I know I am being paranoid but my sleep is affected by this as I feel guilty and think I am not being a good mother. Ok I'll stop for now... any hints/comments?

breathe deep - 5 year olds can be a pain in the bum - and as the mother of a 6 year old I can say it doesn't get much better :) Mine is also a talker. Drives. Me. Nuts.

First don't bother with guilt - either about telling him to be quiet or about the mess. By teaching him you are not going to be constantly at his beck and call you are actually teaching him some valuable life skills: patience, self-sufficiency, turn-taking etc. What can work with my DD is telling her she can have 3 questions and then no more. I will put her out of the room or leave myself if she gets too much; again I think that is sending her an important message. Tell him he can help you with the cleaning so it gets done quicker and then show you what he has built etc. Kids do need to learn that not every conversation is going to involve them and it is not their right to simply intrude. Be nice, but be firm. If you are talking to his dad and it is nothing to do with him tell him to go play with something :) IN terms of the house work - I hear you. I find the mess very stressful as I simply want to relax in the evenings in a tidy room and unwind. However you need to be realistic about what you can get done. I am lucky I have the space now to keep their toys out of the living room if I wish and have a separate play room. That one - I just close the door on the mess and leave it! Getting a dishwasher was also a lifesaver!!!

And you are being a great mother - the fact that you do turn the interruptions into quality time rather than losing your rag at him, and are worried to the point of losing sleep proves how dedicated you are to him. It's not sad that you find his interruptions etc annoying - it's normal :) Kids are annoying! He won't grow up to have problems because you want to talk to his dad for 2 minutes with him interrupting or because you tell him to leave you alone for 30 minutes whilst you clean or have a glass of wine. Guilt is nothing but a destructive drain on your energy. Get the babysitter in, go out on a date with your DH and reclaim your right to be an adult as well as a mother.

adoptmama - more on this tomorrow but I just wanted to say that I have tried the 3 questions rule this evening and it has worked pretty well! It is perfect for this age. He was still trying to bump into me "by mistake" or he would come and just kiss me and smile, bless him but it really worked. His dad has found it a good idea too!

My 7 yr old is like this, the endless questions and the endless need for entertaining. The need for being at her beck and call all the time. She told me the other day she hates being on her own in a room because she gets lonely with no one to talk to. She refuses to read a book because she has to be quiet and it is boring. I blame myself though because I have always done stuff with them never really left them to self entertain and never put the TV on till DD was three as never felt the need as was ALWAYS interacting with her. Because this is what you are told to do : interact and play with your children- I think I just took it to the extreme. We now have a trampoline and she will not go on it unless I sit with her!!!

What you have described sounds totally normal to me, or at least I hope it is as my DS is exactly the same. I find I spent a lot of time absentmindedly responding, over and over without taking in what's being said.

The thing is you've said that you give in and play then he wanders off - so why don't you do your housework then?

I feel your pain OP, I have two and work 4 days. My fifth day is spent manically tidying as is most of the weekend but I'd rather the kids didn't remember me as being too busy to play! But place looks like a bomb site if I don't do it.

Thanks everybody for your messages.

Mine actually, as CreatureRetorts points out, can spend time on his own - only, it's rather unpredictable and I never know how long it lasts, so I will start something and then he will come back at a random time and I am supposed to leave my task unfinished... but I can see that we can get better at that. I am trying to give him rewards when he manages to coordinate his activities with mine.

Yorkieaddict - I am really bad at giving absent-minded responses and moreover they only seem to make him more inquisitive ("Mom but what do you mean by "huh"? Why did you say "yeah" when you first answered "no"? etc )

Again, I feel that we can improve - many thanks again

It sounds like you approach tasks in certain ways. I'm not bothered about stop starting things and will adjust accordingly whereas DH is like you and wants to do one thing then finish it.

Stop sta rt is the standard way of doing anything around my two, aged 5 & 2. I've pretty much broken all household tasks down into 10 minute blocks, including cooking! my older Ds I'd the same as yours and he is quite used to me being absent minded with him when I am trying to do something else as well. That's life-no one gets all the attention all the time.