Feeling guilty about leaving 7 month old DD1 in gym creche

[slummyyummymummy1]

Hi all, I'm a new mum and I started putting DD1 at my gym creche since she was about 4 months. I go twice a week for an hour and it keeps me sane. However she gets very upset when I hand her over (but settles after a while) and alot of the times when I pick her up, she is fretful and tearful. I felt guilty about this but I carried on going as I thought she would settle in, and if she got very distressed, the staff would come and get me as it's in the same building. There are times when she has been fine but those are the exception.

Unfortunately, after 3 months, she hasn't settled and for the past fortnight, the staff have had to come and get me twice as she got so upset. When I pick her up she starts crying more as soon as she sees me and for a brief moment, actually seems angry (gives out an angry cry). She settles quickly once I comfort her. The creche do not have a settling in policy so she wasn't settled in gradually which adds to the guilt.

I wonder if this is separation anxiety starting? I read somewhere if babies get particularly distressed when left with someone strange to them, it can be due to an insecure attachment and that's worrying me too. I know other mums who leave their babies there who are the same age and they love it there. Did anyone have a similar problem? Am I being ridiculous and precious?? I am feeling so guilty and thinking of stopping the creche and going in the evenings when DH is home.

Any thoughts or comments appreciated!
Thanks.

I don't think you're being at all precious!

I wouldn't leave my baby somewhere they weren't happy after a few sessions. Certainly don't stick with it if its not working. You could try again in a few months time or use a childminder later? It sounds like evenings would work for now.

My baby is 20months but I wasn't happy leaving her at the creches I've visited at the gyms, but plan to return once I have a childminder set up that I trust.

Good luck.

Hi I started back at the gym when dc was 6 months old. Twice a week she would go in the crèche. She is now 2+ and still goes! Luckily she was fine from word go but my friends little girl sounds very similar to your dc. She would get called back a lot etc. to calm her BUT it did get better took a long time but now she loves it!! You deserve those couple of hours to yourself and dc needs to begin to understand concept of mummy going somewhere and returning. Especially as its only an hour at a time. I don't know what you're thinking about work but if you will return dc may need to go to nursery if d hated it you wouldn't just give up work? I don't know my opinion is stick with it!! Dc will get there! You're doing right thing going back in if dc gets to upset. She won't feel abandoned x

Thanks for your reply TwasBrillig. I agree, I should go with my gut feeling. She will have a nanny once I go back to work in a couple of months so that could work once she's settled in with her.

If you can do it in the evenings instead then why not? You have to parent your DD, who is a unique child. Ignore what the other mums do, their babies are not the same as your DD. I would just go with your gut and meet her needs as best you can.

Your DD is too young to be classified into an attachment type (I'm not sure that you can really classify attachment in such a clear cut way anyway). Have you read anything about attachment parenting? The Sears and Sears baby book has a good attachment parenting slant.

I don't think having two hours out of a 7 day week would mean op would not be parenting her child...each to their own but let's not be dramatic!!

Thanks Bambi 27. Much appreciated. I know what you mean about getting DD to understand that mummy will always come back. However I just can't shake off the guilt so still contemplating going in the evenings for a while. I'm dreading returning to work but I'll cross that bridge when I get there! I am going to arrange a settling in period with nanny unlike the creche!

I'm not into 'attachment parenting' stuff (too much guilt) but I do think if you're daughter's really that unhappy at the creche you have a responsibility as a mum not to leave her there. Look at it from her point of view - she's telling you what she needs and what she feels, and you're ignoring it. Sorry, that does sound a bit guilt-ridden and like I expect you to be a martyr - I don't, but I hope you know what I mean. Can you find ways to exercise that don't involve leaving her?

Must be very hard if they're screaming as I said my dc was very happy and always has been and crèche is ran by staff from local nursery so v trusted and they did a settling in so think that helped. I think you really have to do what you feels best but don't stop unless you want to as a few hours wouldn't hurt dd I'm sure but easier said than done I know!! Hate seeing dc upset!! Not sure i could do it but as I said friend did and it payed off in the end...

Thanks for the replies. I've decided to go in the evenings instead. I do feel guilty I didn't take her out sooner and hope there is no lasting psychological damage. Sounds dramatic but that reflects my feelings at the moment.

Breatheslowly- I have got the sears book from the library and agree it's got a good slant on AP. I was going in the daytime as come the evening, I'm so knackered but going to suck it up.

I personally think a 7 month old would struggle to 'settle' in a setting they are in for an hour twice a week, in the sense of familiarity, home from home, etc that you would wish for with day care. I don't think it's enough time. I don't think it will have done your baby any harm whatsoever though and I don't think there is anything wrong with her attachment. She missed her mum and wasn't keen on the strange environment - perfectly normal and nothing to beat yourself up over. We all have to leave our babies, or big babies, at some point and they won't always like it. Your needs are important too.

Bambi - I didn't mean that the OP was not "parenting her child" for those 2 hours a week, sorry if it came across like that, I genuinely didn't intend it to. What I meant is that you have to respond to your child, just because other mums have babies who will happily go into a creche twice a week, doesn't mean that your DD will respond in the same way, so you may not want to do the same as the other mothers. I was lucky that my DD did settle into nursery to mornings a week from 6 months, but I like to think that I would have reconsidered if it hadn't worked (just as the OP is doing). And reconsidering can include deciding that actually it is best to go to the gym in the day and use the creche, even if your DD doesn't seem keen. It really is your decision.

Is the gym the only form of exercise you are interested in doing? Would you consider something like buggyfit? I haven't done it, but it might be worth a go as you could do it in the day and not leave your DD.

I wouldn't class myself as an attachment parent. I like the Sears book because it seemed like quite a responsive parenting style, but I did pick and choose just the cosleeping as I am too lazy to get out of bed.

I think that the continuity of care of a nanny may be ideal for your DD, as she sounds like a baby who will thrive with a small number of key carers. And as you are planning a good settling in period it is likely to work out for you.

Also don't worry about psychological damage - she's been upset and her mum has come back for her and she is comforted by this - that is the key thing she has learnt. And I'm not into the idea of babies "manipulating you" but she may have learnt by association that if she cries really hard then mummy comes back sooner. Again that is a useful thing for her to know, because it means she knows you are responsive to her needs and really love her.

Thank you for the reassurance re psychological impact cravingdairy and breatheslowly. I am going to stop beating myself up about this and move forwards.

breatheslowly - Thanks for the suggestion re buggyfit. I don't think it's for me. I'm a bit set in my ways when it comes to exercise so it has to be the gym!

I find the gym a great way of staying sane, fit and socialising so I can understand your desire to go. I started my child when he was about 6 months and luckily didn't have a problem. I know other mums who have 2 or 3 yer olds that don't like being left there so I wouldn't be too hard on myself if I were you. One thing you might do is buy a pedometer and walk when your baby sleeps. It's great you can listen to a radio play or music and take it at your own pace. I also bought a set of weights at Argos just to balance things. It is hard to leave a child that doesn't settle.

Thanks very much madeit. I agree that the gym does wonders for your psyche. The endorphins definitely keep me going for the rest of the day. I had gone up 2 sizes after birth so was keen to shift the weight too. Great idea re pedometer. I'm going to look into that as we do alot of walking. That's useful to know it also happens to 2-3 year olds..I assumed it was just babies until separation anxiety finished.