4 yea old does not join in and struggles to make friends. Should I worry?

[PinkBiscuits]

I'm stuck going round and round worrying about my little girl, and I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced the same or has any advice. There are lots of lovely things about her, and she's bright, imaginative and articulate. However, she just won't join in whenever there's a structured activity, and is really reticent about engaging with other children. For instance, she has just been to drama group for little ones, and at the "performance" she would not say her lines, join in the dancing etc. She has been at a lovely pre-school for the past year, whenever I turned up to pick her up I would find her sitting on her own, often doing nothing. She generally refused to join structured group activites, unless given a lot of 1:1 attention from the teacher. Her general preference is to be engaged with an adult, preferably me. If we have playdates, most of the time she detatches herself from the other child and comes to find me. She is very demanding of my time, actually and wants to play with me constantly and can get agitated if she feels she is not getting my whole attention, or if I talk to other people. She dislikes activities that are not on her terms generally. (In fact, when she was a baby she had to be picked up constantly or she would cry blue murder up until being about 1 - so no change there then!). I should also say that she's one of those extreme fussy eaters - although she did eat a green bean today to my great delight.
I have wondered about some kind of atypical aspergers(???).
She starts school in September and I'm just really worreid that she's not ready and is gonna hate it. Also - to make the problem worse I didn't feel able to send her to the very bad local school so she's going to a private school who I'm even more worried won't tolerate some of her idiosyncracies.
I'm not perfect, but I think I'm a reasonable Mum and I more or less try to work around her although I do lose my temper ocassionally.
Any help or advice gratefully accepted. Am i right to worry? Should I be trying to get more help/investigations?

My dcs go to private school, believe me there will be plenty of idiosyncratic children at your dd's school. Is she an only child? She sounds very like my friend's dd who until she started school was very like you describe. We were invited for a play date once and the little girl wouldn't even talk to my dd, preferring to try to persuade her mum to play with her instead. She only spoke to the teachers at pre school.
One year on and she's just won a progress award at school, chats to other children and is generally much more confident. I think she has blossomed at school. It's almost like she loved her mum so much she didn't want anything to do with anyone else but once she was at school and 'forced' to be with people other than her mum she just got on with it and has done really well.

is she closer to four than five? i think an introverted child who doesn't mix much with children in her family might easily behave as you describe at about four. my dd1 is 4.5 and has become more socially confident in the past couple of months - she is still introverted, and quite bloody minded about what she will or will not do/learn/perform, but i am far less worried about her starting school (in 2 weeks!) than i was 3 months ago.

Thanks so much for these replies. It really helps to know that other kids can be similar. And now i'm definately looking forward to meeting the other idiosyncratic children, shoppingbags :). Yes, she is an only at the moment. I have wondered if that has an impact, although I know other only's who are loads more outgoing.

PinkBiscuits my DD is 3.11 and sounds very similar to your DD. She starts nursery in September and I worry about how she'll cope... she's an October birthday so luckily we've been able to postpone her starting a little. She watches other children but does not interact. She likes games on her own terms, is very imaginative and currently refers to everyone as chickens. She doesn't play 'lets pretend i'm a chicken' - she IS a chicken, and so is everyone else . Other children find her odd - not that she seems to notice. She also hated playgroup as it was too chaotic and noisy. She is sensitive to noise, a VERY fussy eater, has toilet issues and has clung to me since she was born - slings, carries. Like your DD she hates me talking to other people and seems to live in her own bubble. I've also wondered about Asperger's (someone on here once PM'd me to diagnose her as such when I posted about her on a thread). I think she is probably just at the high end of normal and extremely sensitive. No advice really, but just wanted to you know you're not alone. Also children don't need to go to school legally til the September after their 5th birthday - so you may be able to delay her starting if needed? Then again school may help?

Constantcraving - they do sound similar don't they? Its good to hear about, as I don't know many kids in our circle who are like her. I have been thinking like you that she might be at the Highly sensitive end of normal. My dd hated her first nursery, but actually her pre-school was helpful for her although it was sometimes stressful - I hope you will find this too. I was considering delaying her start at school but with one thing and another it wasn't possible. On a good day I hope that a small class and and slightly quieter environment will be helpful for her.