selective mutism - does your child do this?

[longwaytogo]

dd is 3.5 and over recent months her talking has come on leaps and bounds from being barly able to understand to being quite easy to undersand most words. The problem is that she only says the odd word at playgroup when asked a question.

She starts nursery in September and I feel so sad that when she at home she talks and how lonely she must feel not speaking at playgroup. She brought home a class photo the other day and when I asked her the names of the others she didn't know apart from those who we know and see socially through the week.

Why won't she talk?

Hi Longwaytogo

Just wanted to say that my ds1 was like this until quite recently - he's 4.5 now and has only really started talking to people in his nursery (he goes 2 days a week) in the last 6-12 months. He wouldn't even nod or shake his head at nursery for a long time and although I told them he was really clever and talked at home I don't think they believed me. Even now he does talk but not loads and if they over hear him talking to me (when he thinks no-one else is around) they're amazed he does huge sentences!

I'm worried about him starting primary school and being quiet but slowly but surely over the last year he has started to talk more - particularly with other children.

I remember him at about 3 telling dp and I there was no-one else at nursery - it was like he didn't even see the other children - he didn't know their names etc. Now he's got maybe 2 or 3 children who are his 'friends', which is a huge step forward.

Do you have any other children? ds1's talking really came on when ds2 arrived, who's the chattiest person ever, and I think ds1 thought he'd have to start talking or he'd never get a word in..!

Try not to worry - hopefully she'll start to come out of her shell over the next year - I would never have believed or imagined that ds1 would have friends and chat to the nursery workers a year ago.

longwaytogo, if you go to search all messages and put selective mutism in the search box it will bring up lots of threads on this (I was going to do links but there are too many!)

Ds1 was selectively mute - he was a complete chatterbox with us but none of my friends had ever heard him speak and when he started at pre-school he wouldn't say a word. They thought he was autistic (I knew he wasn't). It was heart-breaking. If your dd responds to questions at playgroup then that's an excellent sign - ds wouldn't speak at all even when spoken to directly by the staff. I'm no expert, but I think that the fact that she talks a bit is more an indicator that she is extremely shy. I think the two things go together anyway - ds1 was, and still is, very shy - but is now a much more confident 9 year old.

You may find she improves once she's in a more structured environment at nursery - ds1 came on a lot when he started school.

Have you talked to the playgroup staff about it? Are they concerned?

Dot, they didn't believe me either I remember his teacher saying "does he speak at home?" and I said yes, and he has an amazing vocabulary (could almost see her making a mental note "mother in denial")..and she said "yes, but does he speak in meaningful sentences?" I was devastated.

My ds4 doesnt shut up at home and is chatty at nursery. However anywhere else he will not speak. I have problems at the doctors and dentists just about everywhere else. If pushed he will blink for a yes! It could be that she is just painfully shy.

she is no 3 of 4, she is so bossy and a little minx at home and has just found out that saying no when asked to do something is an option.

Playgroup are not worried about her at all,they say there are a few strong personalities so she just takes a back seat, a specialist playleader has been to assess her at home and at playgroup and has said she is fine but just shy, as she doesn't make eye contact. She refused to talk to speech therapist at all and jsut sat there looking thick - hence the referal to specialist play worker.

So in short I think it is just me that is paniking. I just don't want her to feel lonely. Like today I helped at playgroup and at the end they had balls out, i watched her constantly looking for a ball that was free but couldn't see one so just stood with her hand in her mouth (new recent trick) until her little brother picked up a ball then she was straight in there to take it off him.

It sounds very familiar. I remember going to a party with ds1 at a soft play place - he was 3 - and they were disco dancing in the party room. He hovered on the edge of the dance-floor, clearly desperate to join in...almost plucked up courage...then it was time for them all to go and play in the soft play area again. Once the room was empty he danced a bit, all by himself...it broke my heart.

Wallace has some experience of this too IIRC.

Yes - sounds like my ds1 and it is heartbreaking. You desperately want them to have and make friends and enjoy parties, sport, anywhere with other children. It's so hard. I wonder quite regularly if ds1 is further along the autistic spectrum than other children - he doesn't do eye contact even with us most of the time, hates being touched or held - except for if we hold him very firmly, and absolutely can't cope with change - so for the last week even though it's been boiling hot we can't get him to not wear a vest. It's inconceivable to him not to because that's what he always wears...

Anyway, sorry - got diverted! I think all we can do is gentle encouragement and hope they find 1 or 2 friends along the way. ds1's first friend was another boy who happened to like the colour pink - ds1's obsessed with all things pink!! His friend is a lovely boy who's also quite quiet - although more chatty - and they seem to get on really well. I've started taking ds1 to football, which was such a nightmare at first I started a thread on whether to carry on taking him. We carried on and he now loves it. Hasn't spoken to the coaches yet (6 months in), but they're brilliant with him and understand he's very very introverted. One of the coaches said to me the other week he was really pleased because ds1 looked at him for the first time and almost said something - I'd noticed this as well at the time and was ridiculously pleased..!

Sigh...

I've just read the selective mutism website and although she doesn't speak she has never made a fuss at being left and has always seemed to love playgroup, she doesn't seem anxious in new situations just never speaks and refuses to make eye contact.

Maybe its just me that worries about her, I tried to get her to give her teachers a stick of rock from holidays today and there was no way she wouldn't even look at them.