4yr olds behaviour driving me insane!

[dixylou82]

Hi my lb just turned 4 and is starting school in september. Since he was about 2 and a half little things he does started bothering me, but its got worse past few weeks. He argues all the time about every tiny little thing. He makes excuses up when you catch him doimg something he shouldn't, he's bossy, he's fidgity, he cant sit still for too long, he never shuts up even when you tell him to be quiet. You cant do anything or go anywhere without him wanting to be with you and throwing a major tantrum when you say no. It takes him at least 2 and a half hours before he finally decides to stay in bed and go sleep even though he has a good routine. He doesn't eat all his meals. Only thing is when he's out and about and when he was at nursery he was brilliant. Its just at home.
Btw his father and I are together and he has an older brother who's 11.
Just need advice and tips please as I dont like the little boy I see at home. I want the little boy he was before and when hes out and about and the little boy that his nursery teachers tell me about xxx

Sorry but I feel sorry for your son. You sound so down on him.

He's 4. They fidget, they "talk back", they fuss over food.

What do you like about him?

I like that hes a sweet loving little thing that has a smile a cuddle or kiss for anyone. I love the his laughter. Hes never nasty to his friends. I dont dislike him as such I just dont like his recent behaviour. My partner says thathe could be missing nursery and his friends and just doesnt know how to tell us. He's probably right. Ive tried praising his good behaviour and putting him on naughty step when he's naughty but it just doesn't seem to work

Also I know that 4yr olds are normally like that but minekinda takes it to the extreme

But what exactly is he doing that's naughty? Maybe lower your expectations. Keep telling him what he should do instead of telling him off and be specific in your praise. Eg my ds gets a bit physical with his sister so I tell him what he should do instead (eg ask her for a toy, don't push her off). It's slowly getting into his head.

Also boys have a testosterone surge at around 4 which means he might seem more "physical". Get him outside, running about etc etc. he should also do physical play with his dad as well - our nursery said very important.

He will alway be better behaved at nursery etc - he can relax around you!

He doesn't sound extreme to me.

I didn't know about the testosterone surge. Even when im calm with him he screams and shouts at me. He plays in the garden all the tine and plays alot with daddy and big bro.

Most of the time he just doesn't do whag I tell him. Ge argues and you cant win with him. Once over he would eat anything you gave him now he leaves most of all his meals (he'll have one bite and say he's full) he plays up at bed time something chronic. (In and out of his room and using toilet as an excuse even though he doesnt actually do anything. He'll bug his bro if he's in his room) like I said it takes about 2 and a half hrs for him to finally decide to stay in bed and go to sleep. Which I cant understand because he has a really good routine. it's just his tantrums and the night time thing that annoy me the most

Be boring at bedtime. It's very normal - they get scared of the dark and find it hard to explain that so mess around for attention. With ds we sit with him for a bit - he has a night light. Calms him down.

As for tantrums, I try and stay calm and ignore them. If ds doesn't do what I tell him I try and make a joke and win him around. Or tell him I'm not listening and tell him how to ask ie say "please can I have". He's used to it now so can usually calm down quickly unless he's very tired or hungry then I will cut him some slack.

As for naughty steps - we use time out but only for serious things like hitting. Otherwise if we do it all the time it loses its meaning. It's worth asking nursery exactly how they do it and why so you can be consistent.

Basically we have to use a variety of methods depending on the situation.

At 4 they reach the age where their own opinions are important and you can no longer control them like hand puppets. I'm not being rude it's the truth - I've got one too and have really noticed this shift recently.

We are expecting them to go to school soon and be independent. Therefore they will push boundaries at home- where they feel safe- to build up their independence. Just be firm and consistent on the things that really matter. Ignore the things that don't ( or make a joke out of the bossiness)

Lower you expectations a bit too. He is also probably per occupied about starting school so that could be a factor too.

This is a difficult age and although it may be 'normal' behaviour it doesn't make it any less frustrating for you, especially when every day feels like groundhog day. I got into this kind of rut with my DD who is nearly four and got to a point where I felt so guilty because I was constantly irritated with her and down on her for everything. I was the one that was becoming unreasonable and probably making the behaviour worse. I do a star chart with her that we agree together and change every month or so to tackle whatever behaviour is difficult at that time. I feel that at this age rewarding positive behaviour works a lot better than punishment or if there is to be a punishment it has to be immediate as they are too young to understand 'oh you can go and play with X at the weekend if you do that'. I have never found the naughty step to work with DD as time out doesn't bother her really. Hang in there OP and maybe grab some good parenting books off Amazon and try a few different methods and see what works for you.

I feel for you. My ds is four and a half, and I've struggled with his behaviour for a long time. I've posted on here before, and with the help and advice offered, stopped trying to look for an 'answer'. My ds is so destructive - his tantrums are legendary, and in trying to 'pick our battles' and 'ignore' behaviour we have founds ourselves treading a thin line between being on eggshells all the time, and being to lax with his aggression towards his siblings. I don't just look for the negative (he is sensitive, kind, full of energy, lots of fun - I love him, he's my son!!) but he drives me crackers with his rudeness towards me, for example spitting in my face, screaming at me etc. I won't tolerate it, but if I then put him on time out, I know we've got to go through nearly an hour of screaming and bellowing, and he has starting peeling the wallpaper off at the bottom of the stairs. Even just saying 'no' can result in a meltdown. For example this morning "Can I feed the baby?" - "No ds, I'm feeding the baby, I always feed the baby. Could you pass me x for the baby?" resulted in "No NO NO!!!" then "I'm going to tip this water over" etc etc, until you feel like you've been through the mill and back.

I'm wavering over contacting my HV again, as I'm worried that this behaviour will get worse when he goes to school rather than better, as he will be even more tired. I've noticed it is worse if he is tired and/or hungry, but there are times when he's basically hungry because of his behaviour, i.e. what should take a couple of minutes has taken forever.

I have three girls, and find their tantrums/wilful behaviour etc challenging, but not a patch on my ds. I'll be lost without him when he starts school but I really feel for you struggling with it, as it is not easy and there are no easy answers. I've read so much, watched so much, listened to so much, but still can't really work out what to do.

I understand, my almost four year old keeps me on my toes particularly when in social situations, playdates etc. He can be aggressive and lash out when frustrated. It is most diffiucult when other children get hurt or when I am stressed about social situations. I have recently bought a book recommended by a nursery teacher called 'Getting On with Others' by John Cooper a psychologist. The ideas are great and have been used successfully in social skills programmes. I have bought and tried other ideas this has been the best one. There hasn't been a change over night but at last I am seeing changes for the better. You can order it on Amazon.