Upset at 10 year old's behavior

[EmmyLou]

My dd1's school are having an art week this week and invited parents to come along during a session to see what the children were doing. After collecting dd3 from playgroup and having lunch, we went up to school. DD1 was in the ICT suite doing some other work as as we entered (kindly escorted by some of dd1's classmates) we were waved away in a dismissive and annoyed way by dd1. I went up to speak to her but she got in a real strop about me being there at all although she knew we would be coming. Her friends were v polite and friendly and offered to show me the art work they'd been working on this afternoon - but I insisted that dd1 came too. She was NOT happy and the result was I felt humiliated and ashamed especially as other parents were there, sitting helping children, being shown art work etc. I left the classroom and was in tears by the time I got to the car. I feel really quite shaken - it sounds a bit silly but it was just so hurtful. I've now told her she can't go on a scout trip this weekend and also cancelled a sleepover but am at a loss as to how I can improve her attitude towards me/our relationship. I know parents can be embarrassing but none of her friends seem embarrassed by theirs - yet. Help and suggestions please!

I don't know what to say other than I feel for you. My 10 year old DD has fits and starts like this. They really don't "get" anybodies feelings but their own I don't think! My DD is on the large side with certain things developing and I am putting it down to early hormones, it might be an excuse but one of her classmates has started AF and I don't think she will be too long herself the way things are looking. I'm sure it is going to get a lot worse before it gets better.

This probably doesn't help does it?

Imo you could start at building bridges with her or maybe asking why she was like that I would also ask how you making her go made her feel. Please don't make your feelings more important than your daughters (i'm sure your not) maybe she was doing something that atthe time she did not feel able to share with you sorry I 'm probably not much help

I don't think this is malicious -- they do get v. selfconscious and embarrassed by the mere presence of parents at this age, and I'm expecting it to get worse before it gets better. Some feel it worse than others, sounds like you got unlucky.

Having said that, it is bad manners, and there's no harm in letting her know that you thought her behaviour was rude and hurtful. I've had conversations with dd1 along the lines of, "I know you like to be with your friends and don't always want your parents around, but it does upset me if you reject me in front of other people, and I would appreciate it if you could try to remain civil." Possibly followed by discussion on what exactly she does and doesn't want -- eg. did she really not want you there at all? I'd bet she'd have been offended if you hadn't turned up, so it might be worth trying to get her to understand that you can only support her if she behaves in a way that isn't offensive and rejecting.

Having given her a first warning like that I probably wouldn't go to the lengths of cancelling a sleepover or trip away, as I'd be concerned about making her feel so resentful that the situation escalated. But I would spell out very clearly how I expected her to behave towards me over the following week, and make her social 'treats' dependent on her behaving in an acceptable manner.

Don't take it personally -- it is hurtful, but she's trying to work out for herself a balance between being independent and needing support. They're bound to get it wrong some of the time.

Thanks Sky and Goth - I do wonder if the fact that dh works so much and is abroad for large chunks of time means that I don't ever get to spend time alone with her except for about half an hour before bedtime. We had 5 weeks in Melbourne (Australia, not Derbyshire!) recently while DH was working over there and I did feel like I was having to say "No" to what dd1 wanted to do as dd2 and more to the point, dd3 (age 2) would have to come along too.

I think that it's a natural mother's reaction to make our kids feelings more important than our own to be honest, but from time to time it needs to be spelt out to them that they need to consider others, and that we're human too. She was probably just playing some sort of power game EmmyLou, but you are right to make her understand that you're not happy with her behaviour, because it could affect her future relationships with people. Mind you, I remember being a lot older and being absorbed with my feeling only

I think if she was a few years older I might have expected this reaction. But I'm going up to see dd2's art work tomorrow and if I hadn't gone to see DD1's today then she would, I'm sure have beaten me with her favourite stick of the moment which is "you prefer dd2 to me".

I think her reaction seemed all the more extreme because other friends' parents were there happily being shown around etc. But I take your point frogs about her possibly getting the balance wrong. She has always been a bit self concious and refused to kiss me goodbye in the playground from age 7. It hurts when even now at almost 11 I see her friends run up and kiss/look pleased to see their parents. But then if I know she is just not like that perhaps I need to be clearer with what she wants from me. Doesn't excuse rude behavior though.