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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

2yo has developed awful bedtime habit

15 replies

SarahD73 · 14/08/2013 18:54

Hi all. DS has just turned 25 months. He's never been a great sleeper (most nights will wake at around 3am for anything up to 2 hours but usually just chats/sings and we don't need to go in). Ever since stopping his last b/feed at bedtime when he was around 15 months he's been really good at going to bed - we'd put him down awake, he'd chatter and sing for a bit then go to sleep.

Boy, has that changed. For about 3 weeks now, bedtimes have become hellish. Nothing has changed about the routine (bath, story with Daddy then bed). He'll get into his cot quite happily, in fact some nights he even asks to get in. But within a few minutes of shutting his door, it starts. He screams, he shouts, he throws toys out of the cot then says he wants them back in again. He bangs his feet really hard on the end of his cot. He shouts that he wants the light on and to "play toys". He wails "mummy" endlessly. We've tried going in and trying to calm him, going in and being firm (bordering on cross), and just ignoring him altogether. No matter what we try, he does all this for well over an hour, often two, until I guess he just exhausts himself and falls asleep.

It's hugely frustrating and of course very upsetting too. Currently DH is in there trying to calm him down as tonight has been especially bad. I can't bear the idea of him basically screaming himself to sleep, but I have no idea how to handle this. Can anyone offer any suggestions/sympathy/light at the end of the tunnel please?! (BTW I know that compared to a lot of posts here this isn't bad behaviour at all but it's all relative isn't it - he's generally a happy, well behaved boy and this is the first time we've had a problem like this) Thanks, sorry it's so long

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extracrunchy · 14/08/2013 18:58

My DS aged 28 months started doing this around the same time. We also tried everything and then one day he just stopped. Maybe it's just a phase! Whatever you do, try not to make it a longer phase by dignifying the naughtiness with too much of a response. Presumably you know he's comfortable/not frightened/not poorly, so he's just trying his luck. Hopefully if you make it clear it's not going to change bedtime he'll stop!

extracrunchy · 14/08/2013 19:01

Ooh and the throwing toys out of the cot thing - don't pick them up cos that's definitely an attention game.
Other thing that occurs to me is he might be transitioning into not needing a nap so much (does he have one?) so isn't so tired by bedtime and is trying to get you to play/pay attention to him till he is. You're the boss so don't let him bully you

Original poster

SarahD73 · 14/08/2013 19:13

Thanks Crunchy - I did wonder if it was connected to the daytime nap, yes. He does still have one although there have been a few days lately (at the weekend when it's both DH and I home mostly) where he hasn't had one. He's still done the bedtime thing on those days, just not for as long!

He goes to nursery mornings Tue to Thur and when I pick him up he falls asleep almost straight away, usually for a couple of hours. Do you think perhaps I should try only letting him have half an hour or so? It just feels like he's still a bit young to drop his nap?

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extracrunchy · 14/08/2013 19:20

He sounds exactly like mine! Same routine, weekend when dad's there plays games with naps...

I am desperate for mine not to stop napping so we've not given up yet, and tried to ignore bedtime behaviour, now almost entirely gone. Other thing we did was a two way monitor and talked quietly to him if he seemed genuinely upset. Seemed to help!

NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 14/08/2013 19:28

have you tried sitting with him for a bit? DS did this for a few weeks I'm guessing around age 2, we did the same as you to start with but I hated that he was upset..we started sitting with him until he fell asleep, then moved a little way across the room, then outside the door and eventually down the hall. I honestly think it's a combination of knowing life goes on after he falls asleep and feeling like he's missing out, separation anxiety and also they start to have major fears and nightmares at this age. honestly there is light at the end of the tunnel, it's just a phase...DS is now 2.6 and falls asleep after a quick kiss and cuddle usually within 5 mins but lies there quietly on his own if he doesn't go to sleep straight away. my advice is be patient and reassuring and wait for it to pass, it's much better for everyone and it won't take long

NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 14/08/2013 19:29

oh and he still has at least an hour if not 2 nap in the day, I intend to continue that as long as he is willing!

valiumredhead · 14/08/2013 19:34

I'd put him in a bed with a stair gate across the door, lots of cuddles and stories with him in bed and then leave him to it.

Original poster

SarahD73 · 14/08/2013 19:49

Thanks very much - sounds like a good idea NiceCuppa, we'll give that a try. I thought perhaps I was being selfish wanting him to keep having a nap, am glad to hear others are keen to keep them too! We're living abroad at the moment (have been for nearly a year) and our flat isn't that big - his bedroom joins the living room/kitchen and there's a double door between them, so he must be able to hear us having dinner, chatting etc. So what you said about him feeling he's missing out sounds spot on.

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Jakeyblueblue · 14/08/2013 22:16

Try putting him to bed a little later? I think the previous poster was right. They get very knowing at that age and realise life goes on whilst they are asleep and don't want to miss out. Its not bullying you as someone suggested, he's two and I think he's just wants to be with you for a bit longer. Either that or sit with him until he's fallen asleep.
It's most likely just a phase, maybe cutting molars?? I'd go with whatever it takes to get him to sleep without two hours of distress.
Good luck !

extracrunchy · 14/08/2013 23:41

Jakey it was me who said "bullying" and was meant very tongue-in-cheek! He's 2, of course he's not, but throwing his toys out of his cot is his clever way of making OP go back in, rather than an indication he's distressed.

Those saying DC can hear life going on - absolutely spot on I reckon!

BraveNewWorld · 15/08/2013 00:30

I'm in this unhappy club with DC2. Historically a bad sleeper he has, at least, usually been good at bedtimes. He's hit 2yr 1 mth and given up his dummies, and taken to wailing for me to sleep in his bed for at least half an hr after his stories whether I go in or ignore. He upsets himself and can't calm down so I try to send someone else in so he knows I mean it when I say see you in the morning. He did manage 3-4 great weeks between giving up the dummy and starting this up so I know he can do it.

I also think its a combination of rapid development and feeling over wired/difficult to wind down, separation anxiety and onset of fears eg of dark, and just trying it on. I get endless 'I need to tell you something', 'I might fall in that gap', 'mummy be my friend' chatter when I do go/stay in! Hoping its a quick phase...

Going to try reducing lunchtime nap to around an hr, slower less hurried bath and bedtime - and a nightlight.

Liveinthepresent · 15/08/2013 20:38

Hi no real advice - just another me too!
I was going to post last night but had a fun evening trying to get 8 week old DS to sleep !
DD aged 2.4 has been through phases of this since about 2.
She does the toy throwing too - and we haven't really cracked how to be firm without it descending into tears and upset which takes even longer to resolve.
It does seem to be developmental as others have said - and for us the best strategy is to try to avoid her being over or under tired which greatly reduces the number of challenging nights.
It has been really tough as its coincided with DH working away, me being heavily pregnant and now a new born sibling in the mix.
Watching for further advice as don't really have the energy at the moment.

BraveNewWorld · 15/08/2013 21:33

Liveinthepresent that sounds really tough and it does get much easier once the little one is a bit bigger. i used to leave the older one enjoying a bit of recorded special treat telly while i settled the baby but bath and bed with baby and toddler is not a fond memory!

I have some encouraging news/advice re the hellish 2 yr old bedtimes... Certainly not out of the woods yet (tonight's bedtime was 9pm) but I spoke to a very experienced nanny who recommended trying to reward him for staying in bed and staying quiet by lots of frequent visits which gradually then space out. It's similar principle to settling in childcare in that you only disappear briefly and come back when you say you will, so they don't meltdown.

You promise a kiss with each visit and say I'm just going to do x, back in a minute. I had to start every 10 secs and stand where he could see me just outside the room, then go further for longer. By the second 5 min interval he fell asleep :) would recommend it as much nicer than leaving to cry (which didn't work in our case anyway)

YouJustMetTheAlphaParent · 15/08/2013 21:39

Definitely try a short power nap instead of a full one during the day.

Misty9 · 15/08/2013 23:07

Yep, another one here! Ds is 23mo and, having self settled to sleep since 5mo, suddenly started screaming at bedtime a few weeks ago. We took off the cot side bad idea and although he now doesn't scream, he can get out!

So now we're resigned to staying with him until he falls asleep, for now. I think it's separation anxiety (not helped by me starting work) and a developmental thing - in ds's case, his talking is starting to really take off and I think they just can't wind down as easily.

We're desperately trying to keep the nap (!) but have banned it after 12pm as he's definitely harder to get down (2hrs as opposed to 45mins) on days he's napped late.

I'm hoping we won't still be sitting next to his bed when he's 10...

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