continuously disappointed in ds1, 7, behavior.

[losenotloose]

He seems to need my input all the time.

For example, he can be spiteful and annoying to ds2 to the point that it shapes the whole day. Simple things like saying "bye bye" then walking off quickly and leaving ds2 behind. Which results in ds2 screaming. It sounds like nothing, but when it happens many times a day it's depressing.

We've just left the park because of another incident. Ds2 threw sand at ds1, so ds1 threw it back IN HIS EYES. This is typical, he always has to retaliate, but much worse. The thing is, he was very sorry after and felt terrible when he could see ds2 red eyes, but he never learns, it wouldn't surprise me if he does something similar tomorrow.

I know it sounds all negative, but he has some lovely qualities too, very loving and can be caring. He absolutely loves ds2, but still feels the need to torment him all the time. I just end up feeling like I don't want to be around him.

Any advice, or even just sympathy?

Not much advice but lots of sympathy. I also have two DS's and the older ones behaviour can be infuriating. Nothing big but endless low level stuff. It's all attention seeking but it works ... I end up having to tell him off, leaving where we are or withdrawing treats. It's like he just can't stop and DS2 bears the brunt of a lot of it. Mine are 10 and 7, I keep hoping he'll grow out of it. At other times he can be so loving and thoughtful and will defend DS2 from others, just wish he could be like this all the time.

I don't have 2 ds's so close in age (mine have a sister in between) but my sister does. As an outsider I watch with interest how the younger one (5) wraps her around his little finger and the older one (7) is generally the one to get the more severe discipline. I have no idea if you have a similar situation but my sisters youngest definitely winds the older one up but in a much more subtle way so it is far more noticeable when the older one retaliates. Yes it was wrong to throw sand in his brothers eyes but it was wrong of your ds2 to throw it in the first place.
Obviously this might be completely irrelevant for you so just ignore me if i'm way off the mark but I do always feel sorry for my sister's ds1 as she seems to have a much higher expectation of him whilst the younger one gets away with murder.

I was going to post something similar to jennifera, in that are you completely sure that it is always your eldest who is at fault?

The other thing I'd ask is what you do to reprimand him or punish him if he does something really bad (and I'd class deliberately throwing sand in eyes as really bad)? Are you consistent and do you follow through with threats of early bed, confiscated toys etc?

It's hard being the "big" one too. Always having to wait, slow down or be more gentle. I tend to make sure that my older child gets some special "older kid" stuff which she knows is because she's the big one...it softens the responsibility.

Also agree that the younger tend to be wilier faster than their older sibs. My youngest is a right minx...knows JUST how to get away with things.