Need help with my 5 & 2 yo.

[ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts]

Im at the end of my rope with the kids. I need some serious discipline advice.

DD is 5, going into year 1 in Sept. She is a madam. She does not listen to a word I say. She has no manners, makes her little brother do.naughty things, answers back, shouts. You name it. im beginning to really dislike her

If I tell her she can't do something I get told "don't tell me no!" she stamps her foot and has attitude. No punishments or sanctions work. she gets sent to her room or loses treats if I deem it necessary but it doesn't matter a jot to her. what can i do? at my lowest I've even smacked her and i don't want to end up down that road

ds is 23mo and is learning all his naughty behavior from DD. he's starting to screech and snatch and he smacks. he's too young for naughty step byte i do try and remove him for a time out by making him sit alone on the sofa or somewhere away from toys and DD.

im just at my wits end.

DD used to.be so good and polite. the last 6 months have been awful though.

please help me

Zero tolerance. She gets nothing unless she behaves well. Everything she likes has to be earned for good behaviour.

IME children are very savvy at knowing that parents won't follow through on certain punishments and many parents engage far too much in behaviour debates. Get really firm.

You have my sympathies. You need to be tough. Very tough. Things that mean the world to her need to be taken away when her behaviour is unreasonable. Time out works quite well I have found. You must explain to her that her bad behaviour will have consequences. Good luck.

What happens if you ignore the unpleasant stuff, and focus on congratulating / praising the desired behaviours?

Only 4 and 2 here, but the power of not handing over extra food (ie more needs a please) is amazing. I don't do it with things that I'd give anyway. So, please mummy can I have a drink of juice, gets juice. I want juice gets "Oh, your thirsty, here is some water"

Removal of things has never worked here. It needs to be immediate and reverent to affect anything - so removing a fav toy for pushing brother doesn't have a cause and effect link for them.

I've also seen recommended a book called something like how to talk so kids listen several times on here.

I also think you should try to look at the positives and ignore the 'naughty' behaviour.

It really does work

I've tried the positive thing before but it just makes no difference. she's just as naughty and then there are no goods to praise. if she does something good like set the table or if she's been kind to her brother for a good length of time i will bring it up and praise her for it but then ten minutes later she'll do something she knows she shouldn't.

she gets special time with me when her brother is napping and also when he goes to bed we read together.

I've removed things before to no avail.

she has been banned from her trampoline - no good

she's been given a reward to work towards - still no good

i must be doing something wrong

i think i am zero tolerance. but i spend my whole day yelling

You say that in the last 6 months it has got worse, has anything else happened in this time frame to make it worse? Also how does dd behave at school?
I'm sure you know you need to stop yelling, this will raise everybody's aggression level and probably roll off dd's back (my 5yo seem unaffected by shouting). I'd then focus on one thing at a time that you want to change as she's only 5 and you mention several things. In the second week of the hol my kids bickered and whined about each other constantly, totally annoying to listen to, so i sat them down and told them how nice it was to be kind to your brother/sister. For a few days i gave out good brother/sister points as ds is motivated by things like this and lots of praise for being kind to each other. It really worked and after a few days they were getting on much better. Mine are the same age as your dd and could only focus on changing one thing at a time.

How have things been today ALovelyBunch?

At school and with other people she's perfect. polite, well behaved. her teacher has never had a bad word to say.

im convinced she just doesn't like me.

todays not been too bad. dh was off work and we went out and she was fine but she always is for her dad.

I'm sure your dd loves you very much.

I always think that dc can't be good 100% of the time. I always hated picking my DDs up when they were in Infant school. They'd be moody and grumpy for at least an hour. They've been good all day and haven't got the patience to keep it up, so as soon as they see the person they feel safest with- usually their mum or Dad, they start being a nightmare.

That's great that she was behaved today. Maybe remind her tonight or in the morning that she was really good and that it meant you all had a lovely day. Ask her if she can be a really good girl tomorrow.

My ds1 sounds similar Coco He is very very defiant! He has just turned 6 (last week) and we have had some horrific behaviour phases.
Like your dd, he just doesn't seem to give a shit.
What I do now is I have given him a reward chart. He chooses a reward (has the options of 50p, a glass of coke, or to get something back from the taken away box) and has to earn 5 stickers for it. He'll get stickers for staying calm, being kind, making good choices, helping me etc etc.
At the bottom of the chart is an area for 'strikes' I used to do it that you get 3 strikes, you get a time out, but I found I was just giving him more warnings. What I do now is, I sat him down and explained pocket money. He'll get £1 every Saturday but will lose 10p for every strike he has. He is very money driven atm so working ok.
I also bought the book 123 Magic, which I really recommend. I've only skim-read it but the basic gist is that they are old enough to understand the behaviour and you don't want to rise to it anymore so he does something he knows is not nice (potty-talk is a big one hear that drives me bonkers, or talking back, being rude etc), I say "DS1, that's 1" no explanation, no waffle, just that, he does it again, I say 2, and then at 3 I tell him to take 5 minutes in hisroom. When the 5 mins are up, I tell him he can come out, and that's it, over. No long winded talk about why I sent him to his room and all that jazz (because he knows). He is responding really well to that and it helps me to show him I'm not going to blow-up, he doesn't have that power over me.

I'm really hoping this passes soon and I get my lovely boy back. I really recommend a look at 123 Magic. Goodluck