I need advice on how to deal with jealous ds

[PattieOfurniture]

Ds nearly 8 is really jealous of my relationship with dh (his father)
I have tried everything I can think of, we have one to one time, just me and ds or dh and ds. We have family time where we're all together too.
Dh and I have had a rocky patch recently, been to relate etc but we've kept this private from the dc.
Dh works during the day and I work evenings, so our time together is quite limited, whenever we cuddle or kiss, ds is there, he has to join in too.
I've got two weeks off work starting today and I flipping well need it after working weeks on end with barely any time off and today I've done everything you can imagine with ds, we've cooked together, made lunch and baked cookies, he's done one of his shows for me, we've played board games, played football in the garden, cuddled up and watched tv.
Then when dh came home from work we ate dinner together, then all went to play in the garden after. Then it was time for ds2 to go to bed so I took him. We had told ds he was going to have a bit earlier bedtime too and watch a dvd in bed so that me and dh could have a bit of time together and watch a film. While I was taking ds2 to bed dh startingplaying a game of top trumps with ds, then ds started getting upset that it was nearly his bedtime and he didn't want to go and got really upset, that he wanted to stay up with us. He just doesn't want us to have any time alone together at all.
Also when he goes to stay with mil (not often, sleepover maybe once every 2-3 months) he plays her like a fiddle and paints the poor me picture that we always leave him out, never do anything with him and that he feels like no one loves him or cares about him. We've sat him down several times and told him this is not true and he's our special boy and always will be. We are an affectionate family and he gets cuddles and kisses and we tell him we love him everyday.
But his neediness and jealousy is becoming suffocating.
Is it just his age? Will it pass? Is there anything more we can do to help him feel more loved and secure?
Sorry if this all a bit garbled it's late I'm in bed and it's playing on my mind

How many DCs do you have? What is DS1 like? Do the DCs get on and play together? Does DS get out and play with friends when not at school? Does he have lots of interests? Does he read for pleasure? Can he amuse himself?

Hi exotic
We have two dc, ds1 and ds2.
Ds1 is a character, well liked by everyone, has always had an old head on his shoulders, loves drama and music and apart from football, he doesn't like any other boy type stuff he's not very rough and tumble, more a quiet sensitive type. We are also awaiting a probable diagnosis of dyspraxia.
The dc do get on and play together, however, there is a 6 year age gap, ds2 is 19m/o. I actually make ds2 amuse himself so I can spend quality time with ds1. Poor ds2 yesterday was put in the playpen to amuse himself, while I focused on doing activities and playing with ds1.
When he isn't at school he plays with neighbours kids almost daily, except this week when they're both on holiday. But we see his cousins regularly and he has a great relationship with them.

He goes to swimming lessons after school, usually one after school club, activities vary, youth club Thursday evening, drama club Saturday morning, then goes to the footie matches Saturday afternoon.
Does he have lots of interests, yes.
Read for pleasure, yes, but only if it's very early in the morning before me and dh are up or if he can't sleep at night. He loves books and reading.
Can he amuse himself, no absolutely not. He is one of those children that has a roomful of toys and everything you can imagine but will only play with them if we play too or his friends are round. He won't/ can't occupy himself unless it involves sitting infront of the t.v.
Most of the clubs above are term time only but his behavior is the same regardless of what he's doing, school, clubs or not.

I was a bit confused- I see it is the older one who is the problem.
Maybe it is to do with being an only child for 6 years. As a sensitive DC he may not like to admit to jealousy but there could be some insecurity following the birth of his brother. He is having to share your time with DH and DS2.
The main problem seems to be that he needs input from others- he can't just amuse himself.
Although you kept your marriage problems to yourselves I expect that he picked up on it- they get a lot subconsciously from what you don't say.
Perhaps you are just trying too hard- I used to tell mine that as a mother I was a lot of things but 'chief entertainments officer' wasn't in my job description!
I think that you will just have to accept that he is a child who needs others and sometimes you can't provide it. I would adopt a bright and breezy attitude as in 'sorry DS, bedtime now- we have had a good time doing x,y and z and tomorrow we will ............... But to do all that mummy needs a bit of downtime to herself to relax to be able to do it all.

"he feels like no-one loves or cares for him"

Put that into actual feelings and imagine for a moment what it is like for him. Lonely? Sad? Jealous?

Now imagine if he had said to you "I feel lonely, sad and jealous"

Would you have replied in the way that you did, telling him it's not true?

You need to empathise with these feelings. They are real.

My DSs are almost 8yo and 3.5yo. They share a room and I know that DS1 looks forward to the time when DS2 is asleep. I get into bed beside DS1 and we cuddle up and have "special chat" where he gets to choose what he wants to talk about.

Sometimes it's just Star Wars and stuff, but quite often, he will open up and tell me about things that happened at school or what his friend said to him or whatever. I also ask him if anything is worrying him. Most times the answer is no, but sometimes he has poured his wee heart out about things that seem small and trivial to adults but that really mean a lot to children when it is happening to them. I empathise with how he is feeling and we talk about how he can find a solution to his problems.

The key to this is trust. He trusts that I am not going to tell him that he mustn't feel that way, or that he doesn't really mean it or whatever. So for example, he says he is angry that his brother broke his Lego model, I would say something like "yes, I really understand why you are angry. I would probably feel angry too. You spent ages doing that model, I know how important your Lego is to you. It's hard at this age when your brother doesn't really understand how much work you have put in. But just imagine how much fun you will have with him when he is older and you can build together." I remember that the solution to this one time was to take pictures of his models. His main concern was that his brother would smash the models and he wouldn't remember how to put them back together. These were models he had made himself btw, not a kit.

It sounds like we chat for hours from that description, but 10 minutes is about average, unless there's something really bothering him. It leaves him feeling that he has been heard and that he is loved and cared for (he has told me this)

Sorry to talk about us for so much of this post, but I don't really know how to explain what we do other than by giving an example. I hope you find it helpful.

Sounds good advice- saying that it isn't true makes sense to the adult but not to the child. It would be better to start with 'I can see why you feel that way............' Before you go on.

We do talk to him about his feelings and try not to dismiss them. We do ask him if anything or anyone is bothering him. Sometimes there are reasons, but not often, other times he will completely make up a tall story. Then get really upset and involved in his story as if it is real.

His behavior was like this before ds2 arrived.