Anyone else have/had a very shy/clingy 3 year old?

[elsiewoo]

DS has just turned 3 and is bright, funny, affectionate and lovely. Only child at the mo, DC2 due in December.

He was very clingy as a baby and seems to have got more so as he has got older. He also doesn't like being in the company of other children at all.

Goes to nursery 2 full days a week, then with me or grandparents for the rest of the week. He seems fine at nursery, although has cried every day at drop off since he started 12 months ago and staff tell me he prefers to play alone. I take him to stay and play and meet up with other friends with children, but he seems very uncomfortable and actually recoils when another child comes near him and would generally prefer to be alone with me. When we are at home, he won't be on his own for a moment - I literally can't be more than 2 metres away from him at any time, he follows me everywhere and gets upset if I leave the room.

I know he is still very young, and can forgive him at the moment, but I worry that he starts school next september when he has just turned 4 (august birthday) and it's going to be so tough for him. I guess I just want him to enjoy social situations more really.

Any tips to bring him out of his shell a bit?

I had a very shy, clingy DD...she's 9 now and absolutely fine but it did take a while! She didn't speak to an adult for her first year at nursery...hated it but did play with other kids.

For me, it's not the shyness that is concerning with your son but the getting distressed with other DC...though that can also be a phase.

When he does play, at home when he's comfortable...how does he play? What are his fave activities?

Thanks for replying. Yes, I suppose the shyness isn't really a problem - both me and DH were shy children, I'm not surprised that DS is too.

At home, favourite toys are train set, and anything with wheels - diggers, fire engines etc. Sand, water & messy play are popular and likes puzzles and lego, and will play really well as long as there is someone in the room with him.

Does he have good imaginative play? He's only very small yet....but if your worries continue, I would mention them to nursery and ask them for their opinion.

My DD was SO vastly shy it was a real worry but now she's a different child. I understand the stress! Sometimes they just need time...I made sure not to force mine to join in things.

Does he take his cue from you? I realised that I actually made DS's shy behaviour worse by saying "oh he's shy", making a big deal etc etc.

Also can you find a different nursery? My ds flourished when he started going to a different one. He's also older (nearly 4) and getting much more confident.

Also you can delay when he starts school I think.

DD was pretty bad for being shy. She just didn't like hardly any other people until about age 4.
You could not meet a more sociable, self-confident & outgoing child now (nearly 12). I take no credit! It helped that she found out she was good at school and she fell in with some brilliant mates.

Thanks for your comments.

His imaginitive play seems good to me, he creates all sorts of little scenarios for his toys, which is lovely.

Interesting about him taking his cues from me, I think I do have an expectation that he will not enjoy something or will cry in a particular situation. Perhaps I need to change my mindset.

I try not to force him into situations, but equally I don't feel comfortable with not taking him places where other children will be.

Very reluctant to change nursery, he likes the staff, they are lovely with him and really seem to understand him. From talking to them, he doesn't seem to struggle with anything other than the social/interaction side of things, which they have highlighted as an area to develop with him. Also, he doesn't like change, so I don't want to disrupt him if I don't have to.

Your DS sounds remarkably similar to mine when he was that age. The recoiling from other children particularly worried me and we did have him assessed by a paed but nothing was/is wrong.

I got him over it by taking him to something with other children there EVERY day, even if just a quick trip to the library or park. Comfort toys also really helped him, doing imaginative role play with them and setting up situations with happy land figures etc. so basically acting out how teddy felt when another teddy came to play with the same toy and playing out the "normal" interaction of that....Also then when at a toddler group or wherever I would be on guard for when he did get approached and intervene with "oh this is like when teddy 1 is playing and teddy 2 comes to help him play....what's this little boys name, he wants to play with you...." I'm convinced it's a confidence thing, some children just need a boost to their confidence with social skills and to be "shown" what to do.

Don't get me wrong, he is not now at 4, a social butterfly but he has some friends he plays really well with and is happy in most social situations, although there is still work there!

The Highly Sensitive Child book really helped me a lot, I would definitely recommend you get a copy as you'll more than likely find he is an hsc and yes labelling him as "shy" is not helpful.

Pip that's such a good idea....a really toddler friendly way to role play.

I would second reading the book "The highly sensitive child" as mentioned above. Some great ideas in there.

We have a very sensitive DD aged 4. She has always been like it. It did help when we stopped labelling her as shy and realised she is just sensitive. Some children just cannot help being like this.

DD prefers to play on her own and hates noise, hustle and bustle. She cries a lot e.g. change of routine, if she thinks she's done something wrong. She frequently can be found with her hands over her ears if it's too loud. Nursery have said she is within the normal range (but just at one end of normal!). Keep up with the role play - we do this a lot and I have posted examples before.

Toy #1: Hello my name's X, what's yours?
Toy #2: My name is Y.
Toy #1: Would you like to play with me?
Toy #2: Yes please. This is my dolly.

etc etc

We have also role played how to tell the teacher if someone has upset you as she is rubbish at being assertive or sticking up for herself.

I think just accepting this is how your DS is might help enormously and just working with that, rather than tying to change things is the way forward.

Thanks for those suggestions regarding role play - really useful. I've just ordered that book - sensitive is exactly what he is.

elsiewoo - I had to post as this sounds soooo much like my ds, it really struck a cord. He is also just 3 & goes to nursery 1 day/week, at home with me/grandparents rest of week.

He has always been clingy, but is particularly so at the moment, shrieking & crying if I go out of sight for more than a few seconds.

Whats really worrying us atm is his reaction to other children. Its like he is terrified of them, & will stop playing & withdraw completely if another child goes near him. What bothers us the most is its now starting to affect his enjoyment - by withdrawing he is missing out on so much fun. Today for eg, happily bouncing on a trampoline, a girl looks at him & he freaks, runs to the edge shrieking 'I want to get off!' So he missed out on bouncing. This sort of thing is happening more & more, & is even happening with familiar children. At his own birthday party he sat away from his cousins/friends, didnt play with any of them & just went & sat in a different room while they all played out on a bouncy castle.

when we go to playgroups/childrens centres he often asks to go home as soon as we get there & refuses to go & play. He is also unsettled at nursery & crying during the day. He's mentioned its too noisy so he wanted to play inside, away from all the other children. We are concerned this is now getting beyond what is 'normal' & are starting to wonder if he may have some sort of sensory processing issues as he hates loud noises, busy places, fast movements, is a picky eater & has milk allergy, he is really bright & has excellent communication skills but a little behind on physical skills & clearly has major social anxiety issues. I just feel so sad for him & don't know what to do to help him feel more confident.

Oh & ds is incredibly sensitive too, & is starting to become increasingly distressed if other children cry, no matter what the reason. He sobs & withdraws & asks to go home & even if we explain why the other child is crying it doesnt seem to reassure him.

I realise this is starting to seem like a thread hijack, sorry- perhaps I should start my own & also order a copy of raising your hsc.
Op I really hope things start to improve with your ds soon.

@sensitiveandscared - thanks a lot for posting, our DSs sound remarkably similar. For me it is the behaviour around other children that worries me more than anything else.

I haven't read the book yet, but in the meantime, I'm continuing to take him to playgroups and places where other children are and using some of the ideas in the thread above about intervening when another child approaches him and reassuring him.