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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

2.5 year old and 8 month old - I think jealously has come at last

14 replies

PiccadillyCircus · 13/06/2006 20:05

DS was 22 months when DD was born and was much better than I ever thought he would be. Just seemed to accept her and occasionally show signs of actively liking her.

Just recently, he has been getting jealous of her and has been pushing her. She isn't mobile yet but manages to grab things that I wouldn't have thought she could (and seems to love all of DS's toy cars). A couple of days ago I was breastfeeding her and he came up, pushed at her and said "Put DD on floor, Mummy" .

I think that as she is doing more things and I am excited about them and "praise" her, he is probably feeling left out, although I praise him a lot as well. Doesn't help that he is also in a mood of "Mummy do it" with poor DH not being allowed to do even the simplest of tasks such as lifting him down from the table.

I have been making a real effort to "ignore" DD as mch as possible today and I think he is appreciating that, but it's so hard sometimes. I keep forgetting he's only small himself, but sometimes I feel a bit frustrated.

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Original poster

PiccadillyCircus · 13/06/2006 20:12

When does it get better (and please don't say when they leave home )

OP posts:

Lact8 · 13/06/2006 20:18

PC, you just described my life, ds2 was also 22 months when dd now 6 months arrived.

I haven't got any advice, I'm trying the same as you at the moment. Lets hope someone who can help comes along with something useful to add eh?

beatie · 13/06/2006 20:19

Hi PC. Sorry to have neglected you on the postnatal boards. I keep reading and don't have time to write personals so don't reply at all :( Luckily, I keep bumping into you all over MN :)

The same thing appears to have happened here - although dd1 is a year older than your ds. I guess it must be due to our little babies getting more interesting and naturally attracting more attention from adults than before.

DD1 has been dictating to me what to do with dd2.

If she makes a sound and I go to her "She's alright mummy!" dd1 tells me, as if I ought not to bother going to look at her.

I have no helpful advice but loads of empathy as we are right with you on the sibling jealousy.

Original poster

PiccadillyCircus · 13/06/2006 20:19

Such fun isn't it? rueful .

At least they are both in bed/cot now.

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Original poster

PiccadillyCircus · 13/06/2006 20:22

Hi beatie .

Come back to the September thread. I think I sometimes use it as a diary to be honest .

DS is sometimes lovely to DD. I should focus on that I suppose. And today was generally better (and involved a spectacular amount of getting wet in a sudden cloudburst. Everyone had to change all their clothes (apart from DD's nappy ))

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Lact8 · 13/06/2006 20:25

One down, one to go here.

I think dd is going to be hard as nails when she grows up though as ds2 always taking secret swipes at her, caught him kicking her over the other day But I think he must like her on some level, always gives her a hug straightaway after hurting her saying sowwy baby

And he also knows that I've got my hands full when i'm bfeeding her. I'm so fed up of saying No to him all of the time and surprised I have any sort of letdown as I'm on alert to see what he'll do next

leggymamba · 13/06/2006 20:29

I'm 5 months ahead of you (dd nearly 3 and ds 13 months - 22 month gap) - bad news from me as I've found it getting harder - but I spose that's the fun of two!

DS has just started getting his own back - throws himself on dd and screams everytime she takes something from him. Joy oh joy - he started to bite her yesterday (any tips to stop that much welcomed!). dd seems to be ignored lots as have to follow ds around so that he doesn't get into trouble - was so much easier to toddler proof the house before there were tonnes of tiny plastic toys scattered every where and could close the loo door!

Sorry for the rant - had a bad day!

Original poster

PiccadillyCircus · 13/06/2006 20:31

Don't say that .

I knew that when DS was OK with DD when she was very little that it would get worse later (other friends had it worse at the beginning and may have got it over with I suppose).

I'm sure people with about 6 and 4 year olds say things about them playing happily together [hopeful emoticon].

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Olihan · 13/06/2006 20:34

My ds and dd are 19 months apart and dd is now 9 months old. I had exactly the same scenario as you at first - no jealousy, but once dd started sitting and being able to grab his toys ds did start to get a bit demanding. I think at this point the age gap is hard because the older one is still going through the 'mine, mine, mine' stage and a small sibling who previously had no real impact on their day to day has suddenly become a 'rival' for toys, mummy, attention etc.

I haven't got any real advice apart from lavishing as much praise and attention on your ds as is humanly possible, but still paying attention to your dd so he knows she's important too. It's a pretty tough concept for the poor ego-centric 2.5 year olds!

The other thing that rang a bell with me was the 'mummy do it' you describe. My ds also went through this a month or so back and it got to the point where he would not let dh near him at all. After a couple of weeks dh and i agreed that it wasn't on and dh just did what he'd normally do with him. We had quite a few major tantrums about daddy putting him to bed, getting him dressed etc but within a week he was back to accepting both of us again. It was hard, listening to him scream knowing that if i went to him he's calm down instantly and dh felt very rejected and hurt when ds was kicking him screaming ' go away, I want mummy', but it was worth it. At the end of the day it's about who's in charge and we decided that it was us and he wasn't going to control us like that.

Don't know if any of that will help, hope it does.

roisin · 13/06/2006 20:39

We have 22 month age gap, and for me the most difficult time was the 12 months from ds1 being 2.5. i.e. when ds2 was becoming mobile but before he had any language to communicate. Ds1 - like yours - was far too young to be able to understand that ds2 was anything other than a pain in the neck as far as his trainset/jigsaws/books/whatever were concerned.

Does it improve? Definitely - especially once the baby starts developing verbal skills.

Are they best of friends/inseparable at all times? No.

They go in phases, sometimes they are thick as thieves, other times they are not. (They are 7 and 8 atm btw!)

SabineJ · 13/06/2006 21:19

DS1 & DS2 are 20 months apart. It started well as DS1 never tried to hurt his brother BUT I had a very very demanding toddler.
DS2 got mobile very early on (He was crawling at 9 months BUT walikng at 10 months ...).
I decided to go along the lines : This DS1 toy, you should give it back to him (Easy with DS2, I just needed to swap it for something else) and the other way around (Much more difficult, DS1 is looking at me saying "DS2 sharing with me").It seems to work as DS1 now knows that he can let go of his toys and he will have them back.
I also try to teach DS1 swap toys with DS2 instead of snatching and praise im a lot when they are playing together.
DS2 first birthday also made a difference as he got toys that both enjoy playing with so DS1 is finding himself in the situation where he has to "ask" DS2 to play with a toy.
For some toys like outdoor stuff, I just insist on them taking turns. Hopefully it will rub on DS2 early on !

bouncyball · 15/06/2006 10:19

Hi PC have DD 2.6 and DS 8mths who is crawling and standing and walking with furniture. Have also noticed DD becoming more attention seeking so have tried the following which really works for us. Time out for 8mths in play pen in same room as DD and me. We have special play time, puzzles, animals, tea party etc which she adhores as DS can't mess up the pieces. Give DS his snack in play pen and he'll happily do 20-30mins now eating and playing(have built this up slowly). Do this twice a day. Also use Ds to praise DD eg 'look at your sister she can eat with a fork. lets give her a clap' (ds can now clap!!) Also when feeding DS encourage DD to entertain us, singing, dancing, reading books etc.

Hope thats useful!

docket · 15/06/2006 10:30

Yikes, I've got this all to come, have ds (20 months) and am 40+6 with a DD.

I started a thread the other day asking whether people thought I'd have trouble with jealousy with this age gap and I got universally positive replies, mainly I might add from people either side of you in terms of the age of their children! Which means it MUST get better, this is just a blip. Hopeful ...

Reece · 19/06/2006 11:26

My DS1 is 2.7 and DS2 is 15mths. It was tough at the beginning with DS1 always trying to stop me feed DS2 but now all these months on I have to say it is so much better. Some of my friends with similar age gaps (mine is 16mths) had said that it took them about 18 months to really feel themselves again and relax and enjoy their kids together.Sorry that this may seem a long time but it was true for me to.They still have the odd scuffle and DS1 occasionally attackes DS2 but it really doesn't happen that often. They play together,are learning to share their toys and to be honest I get loads done around the house because they keep ech other occupied. With that in mind I think I can put up with a few scuffles etc.

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