Terrible twos? Bad reaction to new sibling?

[Lulumouse]

Dd is 2.5 and I am literally at breaking point with her. Every day getting dressed is a battle - even if going somewhere she wants to go and she now usually ends up having several time outs as she whinges and kicks and we physically have to manhandle her into clothes for the day which I hate.

She also acts ridiculously moody and stroppy whence anyone new comes to the house even her nanny and her aunties and grandma all of whom she adores & sees several times a week. She will hide from them and refuse to talk answering in a whinge if she does actually say anything. All is fine though as soon as we leave the house or maybe after a lot of persistence by the rejected relative. I did used to let her get on with it and warm up in her own time but this only seems to have made things worse and if anything the process takes longer and she is actively rude "I not like nanny" "go away" etc. which is just so strange as she loves them!

She does have a new dd so maybe my tolerance is less due to lack of sleep or maybe she is playing up worse as dd2 is on the scene but tbh things were heading this way before dd2 arrived.

Things have come to a head today after 2 time outs over getting dressed and an almighty tantrum over wanting to bring her duvet I pretended to leave her at home and take dd2 to the park. Actually left the house for a second or two, she was obviously distraught but still adamant she wouldn't leave without her duvet so when dp came home I took dd2 and actually left. Now worried I've handled it all wrong but just no idea why she behaves like this or how I should react? Help please!?

I would try NOT to react, if I was you. It sounds like your DD's behaviour is getting her a lot of attention and in the mind of a toddler any attention is good - even negative attention - so I'd try to ignore this nonsense as much as possible. Yes, she is likely to be acting out because you have a new baby - she is now competing for your attention in a way she's never had to before - but she's also a toddler and tantrum throwing, unreasonable demands, resistance to getting dressed, getting in her car seat, putting her shoes on etc, is par for the course. Just handle it as calmly as possible, don't shout, don't give her the satisfaction of a dramatic response, encourage others (nanny, granny, etc), to not make a fuss if she's ignoring them or saying she doesn't like them - its all done to provoke a reaction - so if she's being a pain I would greet your visitor and chat normally without trying unduly to draw her out or make her act nice. She's two, she'll grow out of it at some point.

That sounds tough.

I think i would try a totally different tack. Whatever you normally do about getting dressed I would change. If you lay her clothes out on the bed normally, I wouldn't, I would take them downstairs. Mix it up completely. If you normally do time outs, don't. If you normally start with her socks, don't. And I would gently explain the who,e time that getting dressed can be done in two ways. The easy way or the difficult way. Explain that the easy way means it's done quicker, that it's more fun because you have time to sing a song/play her favourite game/read a great book, that everyone is happier. I used to do role play. Show her what it's like, use a whinging voice. Keep it all light. You have the element of surprise here. Keep really calm, no matter what.

If she is feeling funny about the baby, you could take 15 mins out and tell her the reasons. You hope that she knows there is always time for mummy and dd1 time, it just can't always be spontaneous. Really really explain stuff. I found that at this age they understand so much and they really benefit from having everything explained. It's not about reasoning with her, just explaining, simply but thoroughly. You could tell her that you will always have 15 minutes for her, every day and list the things you could do in those her and you 15 minutes. One day we could...... Or we could......

It must be hard with a new baby too. I hope you get some sleep and dd pulls through this phase quickly!

Thanks for taking the time to read - I didn't realise it was so lengthy until I just re read!

I have been trying to ignore as much as possible it's just sooo irritating when she whinges at literally everything - even a simple question seems enough to generate a "wahhh" in response.

Thanks for the suggestion to explain more. I will definitely be giving this a try. She has a large vocabulary and is a proper little chatterbox (when not whining) so hopefully some understanding will be there.

I strongly suspect I am part of the problem, I think I'm quite inconsistent in how I manage her sometimes ignore, sometimes time out, sometimes cheery bravado! It probably sends a mixed message. I feel very guilty about the arrival of dd2 too as prior to her she probably had a lot more of my focus and time

I think you need to find some special time with just you and her. Have fun and be silly. Really silly. Play together and cuddle. She is just feeling insecure and in need of attention.

Also laugh at the baby together. Try and imitate your babies facial expressions.

At the sane time use time out or put her in her room if she behaves badly.