fed up with toddler phase!

[redbutterfly]

My DS is 19 months and I just can't seem to get through most days with him being so clingly, whiney and throwing tantrums.

To cut a long story short, I've had PND since he was born and have had the CBT therapy (it wasn't that useful) etc but things just go from bad to worse some days. I live with terrible back pain most days (I know I should exercise but have no time), my husband was made redundant a year ago so has to focus on job search, don't live near family so don't get any help....no money to get help blah blah...

Anyway, my days just seem a struggle. I have to take DS out alot as he hates being indoors. I walk miles to playgrounds, playgroups, back home, lunch, nap, then out again. I do dinner, I do bathtime and bedtime. We have had sleep issues and have done various bouts of sleep training but bedtime takes an hour of me staying in the room till he falls asleep... (in fact I just lie on the bed in exhaustion so it is kind of a break!). I just don't seem to get any time to do anything for myself. My day ends at 9 or 10pm

My toddler is very bright and inquisitive but won't play on his own at all. A new toy only excites him for about 2 minutes. I can't even leave the room to go to the toilet these days as he is obsessed with flushing it or just coming with me or hanging onto my leg. I can't get the housework done, it's a total mess these days and DH is constantly tidying up after us. DS hits me when he doesn't get his own way or pulls my hair. I get really upset with him and it really distresses me to see him like this. He also does the headbanging thing.

To top it all of we are moving so I have to research schools and nurseries and where we want to live because we haven't really decided yet. I am so tired and stressed and DH and I argue all the time. He works very hard, he does alot in the flat and does do things around the home every day but sometimes I just want him to take bath time off me, or bedtime or just let me have tea for an hour. He kind of focuses on everything BUT the baby.

Thing is, he was helping me with baby stuff a while ago, but then we realised he wasn't getting any job hunting done because he felt I kept asking for more so we agreed we would need to focus on our own roles for now.

I get angry when DS moans all day, teething (not his fault but so tiring!) and just takes all my energy. My marriage is suffering and I don't know what to do.

Actually I just want some sympathy and for some of you mumsnetters to tell me you feel the same lol.....

Sorry this is long!

Hi

Big sympathy, didn't want to leave you without a reply.

It strikes me there is a lot in your post, I can't reply to it all but wanted to say two things:
One, I have been there with the doing everything for the child, and wanting to divide jobs up but struggling to admit this to myself. When I sat down with my DH and finally admitted it, it turned out it made sense for me to cook tea while he did bedtime. It's still a job for both of us, but it changes the focus for me and is more like a rest. I wonder if you both need to have some open, ongoing conversations about what your respective 'roles' are - at the end of the day one or other of you needs to achieve everything on the list at a reasonable level (low standards of housework of course). Those are not easy conversations especially when you start from a point of being stressed and tired, but may be the only way to break the cycle.

Two, although you head your post as being about your toddler, most of it doesn't seem to be really about that, but about losing yourself and needing some space. Is there any way you can get a couple of slots of an hour or so free a week for you? Even if it's by doing a small amount of paid work so you could afford to send the toddler to nursery for a few hours and you get some time away and come back refreshed? Does your DC sleep in the day still? Can your DH be at home job searching/writing applications in that time so you can leave the house for a short time to do something that pleases you - a short walk, a swim, a chance to go somewhere and breathe?

I don't know if any of that helps, ignore it if it doesn't!

and for you!!!

Big sympathies from a fellow mummy of a cliny, whiney 19 month old! My DS isn't even teething as he has all his teeth so I haven't even got that excuse!

It's exhausting isn't it? I really do know how you feel. My DS has never been a particularly cheery chap, always been moany and cries more than most newborn babies. He's just very very hard work. He screams if me or DH leaves the room, even if the other one is still there with him

He cries if a door is closed. He's obsessed with opening them all and basically he whinges constantly. I am knackered when DH comes in from work I am moody and snappy because like you DS won't let me stay in the house for long. He stands whinging to go out practically as soon as we have had breakfast. Don't even get me started on his behaviour at meal times. He actualy eats well but for some reason he whinges to get out this high chair constantly but won't eat sat on the sofa or on the floor, he just leaves the food or smushes it into the carpet. Thankfully he is very very easy to get to sleep at night and usually sleeps 12- 13 hours so I can't grumble about that. Day times however, I literally count down the hours til DH comes home and we can start bedtime routine.

I don't really have much advice since I am in the same boat but have you taloked to your partner? I think he needs to know you are struggling and you need to work together on this to get through this difficult time. I know it sounds a cliche but it really is just a phase. I repeat this to myself hundreds of times a day haha. I know it's horrible but in a year's time he won't be like this. In another year, he'll be different still. That's not to say there won't still be challenges but things change all the time with kids. I have found every single year with my 6 year old considerably easier than the previous one. Every year he just gets better and better and more and more interesting to be around. For the record, he was very similar as a toddler to my DS now. He did become human, I promise! Keep going. You're doing great. You will come out of this!!!

Ah I feel your pain but would suggest you lower your expectations a bit. He's only 19 months - neither of mine would play solo at that age so I just accepted it.

Can you afford to attend any toddler classes eg sing and sign where you can speak to adults? It is bloody hard when it's just you and a toddler.

I'd also speak to the doctor about the PND and whether the treatment is working.

I will add that I love this age - but only because I accept that they are miserable sods at this age. Once they can talk back properly, then it gets tricky.

Ahh I love that Creature accepting they are miserable sods! How refreshing. I am going to embrace this new way of thinking and try to lower my standards!!!

I must admit, as I put DS2 to bed tonight and heard his attempts at singing 'baa baa black sheep', I did have a swell of love and pride for the little person he is becomming. Awww.

Still bloody hard work though!

Ohh and the talking back....christ I think 3 was the all time worst for arguing and general awkwardness with DS1....but I must confess, I still found it a whole lot more enjoyable and more rewarding than this phase!

They really aren't toddlers forever redbutterfly we can do this!!!

Oh thanks everyone! It is soooo therapeutic writing on here.

Upsydaisy- just your name alone made me smile (as I relived all the memories of using In the Night Garden as a sleep prompt - over and over and over again!)
Your post was definitely a help, thank you .... I did sit down and made a list of things I needed in my life with my DH a while ago, actually months ago, e.g. dinner out with a mate once a week, one lie in a week, perhaps even a day off every couple of months where I do NO baby stuff (evil plot to get DH to understand what it's really like) ....and he agreed on all the things, especially the bit about me exercising to help ease my back.

BUT all of these things have gone somehow, don't ask me how. Just a result of us arguing, DS now sleeping at 9pm instead of 7pm (hence me not going out for dinner as I would have to dump DS on DH from 5pm ish in order to meet friends after work) and just the realisation that DH had to focus on job hunting.

I basically had to leave DH locked in the bedroom on his computer so he could focus as our little one would just go in the room all the time and disturb him and scream and shout a lot if he wasn't allowed and just the sheer noise used to drive DH mad. I do understand his need to focus but he still takes breaks when he wants to, can go to the gym if he wants to, can eat his lunch in peace, can drink tea and can even shower in peace. I can't even wash my hair these days! SO what ends up happening is just resentment, pure utter resentment - that I get up every day, that I run around every day, that I deal with tantrums, mess etc. I wouldn't mind if someone just took it off me SOMETIMES! It just becomes SO monotonous. And the sad thing is, I really want to enjoy this time! I really do. I love my son so much, he's truly a gift. But my state of mind is rubbish.

Creature - yeah you're right, they are miserable sods - and it would help me if I just laughed at it. But it's just that it feels like I am totally ALONE in dealing with it. That it is TOTALLY my responsibility. That no one is going to come and save me.

OK - so my DS is very cute and although I am moaning, on the days that he doesn't whinge, he is an amazingly, loving and funny little boy. I have moaned because the last four weeks have been an extremely difficult phase.

Gyllenhaalic - I laughed about the doors.... sorry, but these toddlers are crazy! My one with toilet flushing and your one with doors! I am also moody and snappy. DH says I am not really a 'wife' anymore and I don't hear or listen to anything he says. We have not been on a date or had time alone since DS was born.....

need I say more - romance has gone......from me anyway... DH does try .

Yes it is lonely being at home with a toddler which is why you need to get out of the house and meet other adults! DD's favourite phrase at the moment (she's 20 months) is "noooooooooo" or "go away!" complete with overly dramatic head falling back etc etc.

Is it feasible for you to go back to work part time?

All the advice given here is excellent. I am in the same boat. DD stands on my lap while I go for a wee so that I can have some peace. Then DH says "she's not like that for me - just ignore her". If only it was that bloody easy! Anyway....

One tip from me regarding the teething: use suppositories! DD was teething and in such pain. She refused the liquid paracetamol and ibuprofen. The chemist suggested giving them up the bum, and wow!!!! The difference was amazing. She was a different child within about 15 minutes.

I hope that you and DS get through this stage. Lots of hugs 'cos it has to end at some point :-)

And do try and get out with just your DH. Could you get a babysitter in once ds is asleep so you can go for dinner?

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time red. Personally I found the 12-18months phase really tough. They are active and alert at that age and want to do things but they are also not really physically or mentally capable of as much as they would like - hence the frustration, tantrums, sulks, whining etc. My DS at 22 months is only just starting to improve now after a rough phase when I never knew what to do with him.

It would drive me nuts if my DH was at home all day but not helping me out with our son so I'm not surprised you're stressed! DH sometimes has to work from home on weekends and I have to say it annoys me more than when he's not there at all.

I really I would really expect a lot more support from your DH. Yes, he has to job-hunt but he can come out and have lunch with you all together and can help cook for or feed your DS. Also, why doesn't he do bed/bath routine 3 nights a week to give you a break? Then you can go out and get some exercise for a couple of hours or whatever. If he is getting free time then you should be too. It is up to him to use his job-hunting time efficiently and try to support you when he can around that.

It all sounds really stressful but your DS is on the right road now and in no time, he'll be talking and that'll take the edge off his frustration too. Keep on taking him out to the park and all that, getting out of the house is what keeps me sane most days!

What exactly is your dh doing that job hunting takes up his entire day??

He needs to step up. time for another conversation.

Sorry but it is totally out of order for your husband not to be doing more. Yes he has to job search but really that does not have to be 9-6 every day. It doesn't include pre and post work hours!. I suggest you agree a set schedule with him. He works 9-4 every day. He looks after your son from 4 til bedtime every week day evening. You can cook dinner but he does everything else in those hours. Sorry but effectively he is working at most part time and from home and therefore he needs to share child care more evenly with you. If you say that this is actually an opportunity for him to do what many dads would love to, ie spend more time with their child, before he had to go back to full time work, that might put a positive spin on it. He can do fun things like park visits, reading, bath time...it's nice not horrible.

Good advice here already. Poor you, sounds like you're having a tough time... My thoughts are very similar to the first poster. It does sound like you need a break! We do similar with our two boys - when DH gets home from work he plays with the boys while I cook dinner. We share bathtimes and putting to bed and do dinner - team! It does help that they go to bed at 7pm after which we can relax together. How long does your boy nap for during the day? Do you think he could be starting to need less sleep during the day (would that help get him to bed earlier)?

Listen, your role is full time mom, yes, but your DH is a dad too! You need his help. And your son will appreciate his dad being involved so much as well. What do you think has mad him take a step back? Do you think he is feeling the pressure of finding work? If you could just get him to help with bed/bathtimes somehow - he can still spend all day looking for work if he likes - that should take some of the pressure off you. Could you spend some quality, focused time together after DS is in bed to try and help your relationship?

That age is really tough. I remember it being hard with DS1, and it does get easier when they can communicate better. Well, different challenges, but I think better! Instead of going places all the time, could you take some time just to sit and watch, join in with what he wants to do (why do you think he hates being indoors)? I do prefer being out, but sometimes too many outings is exhausting for all of us, when really, DS's just want me to be around and enjoy them, doing simple, silly things like building towers, reading, playing with cars... Perhaps that will help you to focus on the positives rather than the challenges?

Perhaps you could take the approach with your DH, not like "you need to do this...." - ie. more guilt, on top of his lack of work, but try to listen to him about his withdrawal and what is bothering him.

Thanks Capecath. Yes the problem is that he needs to do more but we just argue so all conversations go wrong. DH does work hard. But we don't have an agreement of who does what re DS. That's what has gone wrong. I am much happier if I feel things are fairer. I will attempt a conversation! When I am no longer in a huff!

Hi Redbutterfly, I haven't read all the replies yet but reading your post sounds exactly how I feel so I will am looking forward to reading through. I have a 16 month old and 5 year old and have a painful condition which has good and bad days. It is bloody hard and my marriage is suffering too. I feel fed up, knackered and stressed all the time as I also work part time so just feel like I'm constantly rushing from one thing to the next.

Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Jemster. I really.appreciate your reply. Feel free to.write more when you.can. Sorry you're having a rough.time