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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My 2 YO hits and kicks me...

18 replies

Thisismymoment · 07/08/2013 11:09

Help

I want to know how to discipline my son without resorting to smacking, which is how my mum used to discipline me.

Everyone thinks my son is so well behaved and normally he is but recently he has started to hit and kick me and I don't know how to stop him. I've tried saying NO firmly, walking away and finally (and regrettably) smacking, which I hate doing.

This morning he kicked me in the face (he was lying on my bed) and when I firmly told him NO he started to hit me. I smacked him and he stopped hitting me, but I don't want to use smacking as I know smacking doesn't work and how can I tell him to stop hitting me by smacking him.

Can anyone advise me on how to deal with this? What is the best technique to use?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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kimmills222 · 07/08/2013 14:42

You are right about one thing. Smacking isn't going to help. It only makes kids feel that hitting is okay. Have you found out if he's upset with something? Or maybe watched something on TV, like a movie or something? Kids imitate what they see. It is very difficult to reason with a 2 yo. Temper tantrums are very normal at this age and go off as fast as they start. Walking away will make him feel abandoned. If he's not flailing too much, pick him up and hold him. Chances are he'll find your embrace comforting and will calm down more quickly. This will pass, don't worry.

Original poster

Thisismymoment · 07/08/2013 18:42

Thanks Kimmills, I will try your suggestion. I had a baby 4 months ago and so this behaviour could be my DS trying to adjust to the new addition.

OP posts:

mamameme · 08/08/2013 09:16

I have exactly the same problem at the moment and like you i don't want to smack but i need to do something to give her a short sharp shock.i will restrain my daughter, say no very loudly and she will continue to try and smack me. I an not a wussy parent, i know i am a good parent as i an sure you are, but my goodness how on earth do we stop it. My daughters favourite time to hit me is when she has been told to stop something. Thus morning i was trying to get her in her car seat.....trying to strap her in and my head and face is obviously well within reach and she continued to hit me. I said no (while still trying to strap in). The only way i could stop her was by firmly holding her arms. Then when i let go to strap her in she hits me again!
Arrghhhh i feel your pain. Anyone know what to do?

mamameme · 08/08/2013 09:17

Forgot to say i also have a new baby so i know thus has disrupted her as well but her hitting started before new baby arrived

SlightlyItchyBraStrap · 08/08/2013 09:47

While I was reading this my 2-year old came over and hit me with a basket so hard it left a mark. I am so tired of being attacked.... He does it to dh too, sometimes wakes him up by hitting and scratching. He spits on the floor or at us.

We have a new baby too.

So far nothing has worked for us. I have lost it a few times and shouted at him, I've whacked him and then felt awful about that, I've ignored it, I've talked to him gently...

I've just read somewhere else to try and redirect the activity somewhere else, so if they're spitting you might say "spitting is for brushing teeth" and take them to the bathroom to spit in the sink.

I hate all this aggression from him, but even worse I hate my own reaction to it...I feel perpetually angry and on edge.

mamameme · 08/08/2013 10:16

It's so hard isn't it. I just don't know what to do. I worry that when i am trying to stop her i end up hurting her as i really have to hold her tight (that are so strong aren't they)......sometimes i feel like whacking her back but i know that won't be the answer.....but then, what is?

mummeansbusiness · 08/08/2013 10:45

I also have a new baby and an occasionally aggressive toddler. I recently wondered whether this bad behaviour is due to the new baby, now 8 months old, as initially we put it down to terrible twos. My toddler is worse for me than for dad and consciously misbehaves for me. I have also experimented with shouting loudly, ignoring, leaving the room, time outs and as a last resort smacking, however, I feel so terrible afterwards i end up over compensating and probably sending mixed signsls so its not a route I'd like to go down. On the whole my toddler is a happy, intelligent and well mannered but with me it can quickly deteriorate over the simplest thing into a full blown tantrum directed at me....it's so draining!

mamameme · 08/08/2013 13:49

So nice to know that we are not alone. I feel much more reassured.
Thisismymoment hopefully this helps you too? Your post has been slightly hijacked but hopefully shows you you are not alone.
No one seems to have any answers though.
Maybe they just grow out of it?
Maybe we should just ignore the behaviour? Although being slapped/kicked is not easy to ignore?

capecath · 08/08/2013 14:45

I have almost 3yo and almost 1yo DS's. Find DS1 plays for my attention in whatever way he can, but most notably when I am doing something else, particularly looking at my phone or the computer (interesting to notice slightlyitchy said her 2yo came and hit her while she was reading this), DS1 seems to save his naughty attention-seeking things for when I am most distracted! I'd recommend next time he hits out, hold his arms firmly, look him in the eyes and say "no, we don't hit people". If he continues to lash out at this point pick him up and take him to time out spot and get him to stay there for a minute then return and repeat "we don't hit people". Think he needs consistency in how you deal with it at least and needs to know you are taking it seriously. Are there any patterns in what triggers him?

madeit · 08/08/2013 20:36

Hmm I do understand. My child was a biter and a hitter. He still is a hitter but less so. It's tricky. I used to get really stressed out by it particularly the biting. It doesn't win you friends no matter how you approach it. I used to get really upset and use timeout when he was 2 half three and frankly for my child it was pointless. He just got up and didn't really get it. Whereas now at 4 in October he is mortified if he is given timeout. So if I had that 2-3 plus time again and he was biting or hitting me or anyone else I would try very hard to stay calm. And then to be honest I don't know. Obviously letting it know it is wrong and if another child/sibling is involved focussing attention on the one who has been physically hurt. For my child the less reactive I was to it the more it subsided. Easier said than done I know.

Jhas · 08/08/2013 21:01

i am experiencing the same thing and have a 10 week old and a 23 month old. DS1 has actually punched my ten week old in the head when told he can't have something! The worst of it seems to happen when it's most difficult to discipline like when they're both strapped in a shopping trolley! Although i am looking for conclusive answers as well, i have found a few things that have eased the situation: when DS1 is having a tantrum, (providing he is safe) i have just left the room, and once he's deprived of an audience he generally calms down. THEN i give him a cuddle and find something to distract him. If it's frustration that has started the tantrum, we have taught him the sign language for "help me" and we just say "what do you say??? Mummy help?" and he then says that and calm is restored (relatively speaking). I bought a stop watch and for serious offences i shut him in the hallway for 2 mins and then make him apologise and/or help rectify the situation like help to clear up the mess he's made. I can usually threaten him with the hallway but it is wearing thin as I have used it a lot recently. One piece of advice I found great was "chose your battles" because sometimes I found that onc e i was worked up about one thing he'd done then all the little things that followed were like a cinder box to me, but I just had to let them pass and concentrate on the really bad misbehaviour! It is so difficult, and part of me just thinks I just need to stick it out until he's old enough to understand more!!!! Good luck gals! xxx

Mintyy · 08/08/2013 21:06

Put a distance between yourself and hitter/biter so that they cannot physically get to you.

Say very firmly and seriously "I am not letting you near me because you are hurting me, hitting and biting hurts people, it is NOT allowed".

Don't try and have an argument with a two year old. Make it impossible for them to argue with you.

SimLondon · 08/08/2013 21:40

supernanny has a new toddler sos book out.

Original poster

Thisismymoment · 09/08/2013 02:19

Thanks for all your responses.

Wednesday morning when DS1 kicked me I felt like such a bad parent, why else would he kick me? However after reading the responses it is clear that this happens to other good parents.

Over the past day I have used Kimmils suggestion and I hug DS1 when he starts hitting me. So far that seems to work. It gives me and DS1 to calm down. I have tried timeout with DS but he doesn't get it yet.

Capecath: in answer to your question he normally hits me when I have said no to something he wants or is doing. He has also hit Gran, his father and DS2. Although when he hits DS2 I feel he's trying to say "I'm here too" as he normally hits DS2 at bath time or when Gran over reacts when he is playing with DS2.

OP posts:

SlightlyItchyBraStrap · 09/08/2013 03:17

Jhas how brave of you to take your two shopping! I am still spending most days at gone.... I know ds1 is a bit bored which doesn't help things but even going to playgroup is stressful as he just attacks all the other kids.

SlightlyItchyBraStrap · 09/08/2013 03:47

That should read at home of course

wintersdawn · 09/08/2013 08:01

your situation mirrors mine. dd hits and pinches me esp if I'm payibg attention to baby I.e. feeding times. but to everyone else she is the picture of loveliness, if one more person tells me she does it to me cause she feels secure and loves me I may well just smack them!
I've found the only thing that works is removing her from the situation, she doesn't get the naughty step (thinks it's a game) so she either gets 5 mins in her room to cool down or in the baby play pen. I know a previous poster mentioned that this makes them feel excluded but it seems to work far better than anything else.

Jhas · 09/08/2013 09:44

SLIGHTLYITCHY if your eldest is bored, i would recommend buying some magnifying specimen jars. I get DS1 to collect mini beasts in the jars (some do died in the clumsy process ops!) but i sit on the back door step and feed the baby and he comes n shows me what he's found. keeps him occupied although i confess that even the most interesting pastime is short lived. Also i bought the toddler SOS book, and i have found it quite helpful in terms of suggestions. I spoke to another lady with same issues this week and she had GREAT IDEA: she has bought her eldest a bag of new toys and he's only allowed to play with them whilst she breast feeds and then they are put away. the result being that the eldest is really happy when she wants to feed the baby.

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