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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I am about to have a nervous breakdown.....need help re: my 7yr old ds

20 replies

thepuddingchef · 06/08/2013 20:09

I am so cross with myself but I have become an awful shouty mum who constantly has to reprimand my ds 7 and dd 5 to some extent.
I have had problems for a while now, but it seems to have escalated now we are in the summer hols. He just blatantly ignores everything I say even when I repeat it several times, which ends up with me shouting at him. I dread to think what the neighbours think of us
I have tried every chart, treats, method, 1-2-3, timeout and nothing makes a jot of difference.....I am at an utter loss what to do.
please can you tell me what works for you or any advice please would be well received.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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hermioneweasley · 06/08/2013 20:13

Oh god, I thought this was normal. I would swear my 7 year old DS is deaf - he never does anything when asked nicely first, second, third time and then wonders why I end up shouting a him. And he dithers.

But I wouldn't say I'm in nervous breakdown territory. Apart from those two things he's gorgeous and really good company.

What's fantastic about your DS?

smallchestofdrawers · 06/08/2013 20:41

Not much help but I think this is pretty normal-it is in my house anyway-my response depends almost entirely on how tired/stressed I am.

angelfire · 06/08/2013 20:49

I could have written your post.....

The things I do to keep myself sane

Spend as much time out of doors as possible - parks, walks etc. Boys are like dogs - they need to be let loose in a field to run their energy off
Have some idea of what YOU want to do each day - I find that if I don't have some idea of what is planned for a day then I lose focus and patience
Scour the papers for free activities for the children in the summer - there are usually quite a few that are free or cost little
Do they have friends who can come over to yours and vice versa - sometimes the dynamic changes considerably when you just have one to look after or they have friends and doing something different
Have some time to yourself ....it's not selfish, it's survival

Remember that practically every one else is just like you, everyone gets frustrated and fed up - you are not alone and I bet you are an ace mum

Original poster

thepuddingchef · 06/08/2013 21:29

thanks for your messages.
I understand exactly what your all saying, and I thought I knew what boys are like, I just feel that I am the only one with this difficult child who seems totally intent on being naughty. I give them attention esp when they are good, he doesn't have to be naughty to get attention yet he still does it

OP posts:

beeny · 06/08/2013 21:32

I have this with my 7 year old DD i am also beside myself.

smokinaces · 06/08/2013 21:35

Oh god, I have a seven year old and a five year old, both boys, and I swear I have never found them so hard. Even with outings, trips, outdoor toys and parks and our garden its been hell. I am about to pop I swear!!!

Original poster

thepuddingchef · 06/08/2013 21:45

do you find siblings fight much? my two are constantly trying to get each other into trouble. ds drew on dd wall today, massive 'artistic' piece trying to get her into trouble......this was while he was on 'timeout'. Megan wasn't even in the house at the time! Arghhhhh!

OP posts:

poorbuthappy · 06/08/2013 21:52

We have this too.
A lot of it is that I am trying to get to do stuff from afar. IE, I am upstairs they are downstairs, I call gently (yeah right) down the stairs. They don't hear. (Not a massive house, but 2 shut doors and a blaring tv between us) so I get more and more shouty until I throw a complete strop (not pleasant) and big falling out ensures.

So if I want 1 of my kids to do something, I go to them and ask them to do it. If they are watching the tv and I need them to do it, I turn the tv off. Or remove whatever the distraction is. Usually, because there are 3 of them, if I can get 1's attention the other 2 follow...

I still shout like billy-o though. And then remember the above advise. DOh!
Fighting on the other hand, I am yet to master.

smokinaces · 06/08/2013 22:00

Mine dont stop bickering. They adore each other. Love each other. Want to be with each other constantly. But the physical and verbal abuse they inflict on each other drives me to tears! I have never known two siblings do it so much. Doesn't help that ds1 has asd and ds2 is a little pita pushing boundaries right now!!!

Original poster

thepuddingchef · 06/08/2013 22:04

thanks all, I have sat and reflected on the days events and feel slightly better knowing I am not alone and my ds is not the only child pushing buttons........tomorrow is another day, so I am going to try to make it the whole day without shouting.......

OP posts:

DryCounty79 · 07/08/2013 14:13

How has your day been so far, OP?

My DS is also 7, and is a right little toad very independent, stubborn and strong-willed. I can't get him to do anything until I have asked nicely several times and then shouted. He argues back, doesn't listen and sometimes acts like a teenager with his strops and slamming of doors.

I've just ordered a book called Raising Your Spirited Child Rev Ed: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka from Amazon. It looks like it might be exactly what I need, and it might be helpful to you too. I'm sorry, I have no idea how to link!

You're definitely not alone in your situation, I hope that comforts you a little!

DryCounty79 · 07/08/2013 14:15

Ooh, meant to say, I have bought a cheap timer and now when he has a job to do, whether it's getting his shoes on or turning off the tv, I set the timer and tell him he has to have it done or do it immediately when the timer goes off. It works on a fairly regular and consistent basis.

Original poster

thepuddingchef · 08/08/2013 01:02

DryCounty79 Hi, I did okay today, didn't have to get cross until tonight, so managed all day which is a miracle
My ds sounds like a lot like yours, and thanks for the book suggestion am going to have a look.

OP posts:

Robbabank · 08/08/2013 01:20

Hi there. You have my sympathies. At least you are aware though that you are being shouty and you are trying to reign it in. My daughter is similar. Doesn't listen properly or ignores instructions/requests and has to be asked over and over and given very simple, clear instructions. Ie rather than a vague 'tidy up your toys please', she needs to be told which toy to pick up, and then the red one, good girl, and next the green one etc. otherwise she just faffs about letting her older sister do it all. She can't be arsed to do these boring things and I have to be 'on' her to make sure she takes part in the task/chore. I think that she is slowly, very slowly getting better at it though.

Have you heard of the Orange Rhino? Some US mum friends of mine put me on to it. It's a blog by a mum who made a pact to not shout at her kids for 100 days. She managed it for longer I think and the blog follows her attempts to keep it up and challenges/supports/inspires other parents to examine their behavior and not shout. I haven't taken up the challenge yet, let me add, but some friends have and they've found it really helpful. I think if you google it, it should come up for you. Sorry I can't link. The key points that are on the home page are what made an impression on me. She offers some reassurance, useful observations and some good tips and motivation. Good luck.

DryCounty79 · 08/08/2013 08:24

I'm really glad you made it through the day without shouting. I know what a big achievement that is!
They really are such a blessing, children, but it sometimes doesn't feel that way at all

Robbabank, love your name! I think I'll also look up that Orange Rhino blog, if you don't mind. It might be of some help, although I'm not completely sure I have enough willpower/self-control to manage not shouting for that long...

BeaWheesht · 08/08/2013 08:30

Ds is 6.5 and he's adorable, funny, sweet etc etc but oMFG he is hard work right now - it's the whining I can't stand, sometimes I think it's just habit. It drives me insane.

I also have dd, she's 2.

Help

DryCounty79 · 08/08/2013 08:39

Bea, My DS also did the whining thing. I actually managed to get him out of it (mostly) by doing two things. Firstly, every time he whined something, I said 'Please repeat that in a nice voice, I don't understand you when you whine'. And if he continued whining, I told him to leave the room and come back when he was able to say what he wanted without whining. If he still carried on, I just ignored him until he stopped. That last bit was the hardest bit, as whining really, really winds me up. But after a couple of weeks, his whining was pretty much under control.

That's pretty much the only thing I've successfully done as a parent!!

I hope your DS gets out of the whining phase soon.

sparklekitty · 08/08/2013 08:44

I have no experience of my own children but I teach this age group.

They are shocking for not listening!

I know things ate very different at home compared to school, however, I wonder if you have tried too many systems for a short time.

I may be totally wrong so ignore me if you've spent a while on each system. I find that a simple reward (stickers at school) and consequences (loosing choosing time although at home they could loose screen time/toys etc) works well, however, it takes, on average about 6 weeks for the kids to get their heads around it and understand that these are the boundaries and I'm serious about them.

Once it's all in place a simple 'it gets done in 5-4-3-2-1' seems to work. Btw I work in a very challenging school.

CatsAndTheirPizza · 08/08/2013 08:58

Our nearly 7 yr old DS has selective deafness too. I think it is age as our other two DSs listen but I think they were probably like it at this age.

this book is very good

PatriciaHolm · 08/08/2013 10:02

Is he genuinely ignoring you? Only reason I say that is because DS was like this from about age 4-6, turned out he had horrible glue ear and couldn't hear most of what was being said unless someone was stood in front of him and he could lipread.

Entirely possible it is 'selective listening" as both of mine (7 & 8) still do that too, but if he's doing it a lot and with everyone, it might be worth checking.

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