Is there something wrong with my 2 year old? (Long)

[Skaramoosh]

My 2 year old DD has always been full-on... never slept as a baby and still hardly does.
She screams and tantrums hysterically from the moment she wakes up until she goes to bed at night.

Today had been: awake at 6am "I want juice I want breakfast" accompanied by screaming and crying.

Breakfast is eaten then immediately she is crying again because her sock is "all wrong" then there is hysterical, fall to the floor crying because she's put both legs into one leg of her trousers. Then can't fasten her shoes. But she won't let anyone help so the tantrum goes on and on.

We can't go anywhere, in restaurants she runs around, in shops she does the same, on reins she throws herself to the floor. And screams "ouch you're hurting me mummy ouch" so of course people are staring.

I have tried endless toddler groups but have left most halfway through as she will not listen to instructions at all and is normally the only one who won't join in for snack time/song time etc and just runs off and hides in the toilets or store cupboards.

If she's told no, she ignores it. I then give a warning and follow through with consequences e.g if you lie on the floor again in this shop then we are going straight home. But it has no long term effect, she'll scream all the way home and then do it again next time.

She destroys the house, tipping things on the floor etc. we've thrown out every pen we own as she always found them and drew on walls etc.

There are lots more things really but this is getting too long.

I'm at the end of my rope here! And also have a 5 month old to look after too.

I've heard the term spirited child which fits her well but really, is that a euphemism for naughty?

I'm worried I've done something wrong, with her being my firstborn. She's so intense and unhappy ALL THE TIME and any attempt I make at having fun with her, even just building duplo towers or reading books, quickly descends into chaos as she gets upset so easily and for no apparent reason.

I don't know where to go from here. I just want her to be a happier child and not spend 80% of her days in tears.

And please don't say "it sounds like normal toddler behaviour." I've tried to write it off as that, but it really isn't normal, I don't know another 2 year old who is anything near this.

Hey I just wanted to let you know you're not alone! I could have written most of your post. My DS is 21 months and it seems to just be for me he plays up for as his dad/childminder think he's an angel! I feel like a failure as I can't cope with it and some days I'm counting down until nap and bedtime. Sometimes he's the sweetest, funniest most adorable little boy but when the tantrums, throwing and hitting set in its horrendous. Can you tell I'm having a bad day haha. Sorry to hijack. One thing though is he suffers with his ears and I think his behaviour is linked to when they're bothering him. Could it be that? Also having another sibling taking up your time she's bound to be jealous?

I feel for you Skaramoosh, it can be utterly soul destroying when they're like that (and a shock to me when DS2 turned out to be, DS1 had been an angel at that age!)

I found my DS2 starting to get better as his speech improves (2.6 yrs) and as he learns to do more for himself (perfecting cutlery, putting on shoes, taking off his own clothes etc)

He was also a screamy / wriggly / miserable little git of a baby! I think he basically hates being small and is desperate to grow up, my mother insists I was exactly the same, although with fewer violent tantrums.

Does she seem very frustrated all the time? It might be worth trying to engineer situations when she can be independent (DS2 HATES being 'played with' and will knock the toys out of your hand!)

I try to ignore tantrums and whingeing (walk out the room, or just stand there and not look at him) and to set things up for him to play with (little wooden train set, or magnadoodle thing for example, or dolly with clothes) and just leave him to get on with it.... He gets far less frustrated if I let him figure it out on his own rather than trying to help. It goes against all your instincts of wanting to make things better for them, but he really is far happier if I just leave him alone, he'll come to me if he wants something and seems to be learning to deal with his emotions better without me hanging over him.

Might not make any difference, but anything is worth a try while we wait for them to grow out of it!!

Sounds like my two year old DD. I second the jealousy factor and maybe reading any stress levels you have if you are more stressed about her. She could be unnerved with new baby and now refuses to join in at groups as she is naturally feeling a bit left out already and doesn't know how to join in. Everything else you say sounds pretty normal to me but then I'm no expert, peppa pig is my friend at the moment

Go into classics, and find the "cutted up pear" thread.
It pretty much sums it up.

But no, 2 year olds want to be grown up, but haven't yet got the coordination and skills. Its a frustrating time.

My 2y 2mth DS wants to get dressed like his big brother, so we've made sure to get rid of any difficult to put on clothes from the front of the wardrobe. Socks - get the little trainer socks. He can put those on now, but not full socks. Basically make everything as easy as possible, and as Foxred says, let them get on with it.

If he's struggling to get a t-shirt on for example, I might get a jumper, and talk slowly through how I'm putting it on, so he gets instructions without me helping him, iyswim??

The other thing that makes mine really cross and grumpy is hunger and tirdeness. Is it possible that one of those is an issue?

How long do you take from getting up to breakfast? DS1's alarm goes off at 6.20, and we are eating breakfast at 6.30, if not before. Literally toilet and downstairs. Food comes before anything else. If I want to do something before 6.20, our alarm has to go off early enough to allow me time before our 6.22 descent of the stairs.

'I have tried endless toddler groups but have left most halfway through as she will not listen to instructions at all and is normally the only one who won't join in for snack time/song time etc and just runs off and hides in the toilets or store cupboards.'

OP, I feel for you. I run groups in Children's Centres and many children have difficulty sitting down, joining in and waiting. It is to be expected for some children. The parents always look mortified but I promise you, no-one who knows anything about children will judge you or DD for this. I would really recommend that you keep attending groups - the structure will help to develop her attention and listening skills and she will become calmer over time. And please try not to get anxious if she is being difficult - she will pick up on it and it will make it harder for her to calm down.

There should be a Family Support Worker at your local Children's Centre - you should be able to make a time to have a chat with them and they can give you some advice about managing her behaviour.

I feel your pain OP. My DD (2 on Friday) is virtually the same. She does sleep at night but has long since stopped having a daytime nap. She is also full-on & I have just finished steam mopping a tube of toothpaste off the lounge floor (thank god we don't have carpet!).

DS1 was also "spirited" and is currently a quiet 16 year old who spends most of his time either asleep or on his Xbox. DS2 was a dream baby/toddler/small child & is now a stroppy, hormonal and, at times, downright unpleasant 13 year old.

I'm therefore, testing my own theory that DC are either a handful when they are little OR when they are teens. I really don't want DD to prove me wrong .

Have a [coffee].

I meant .

Hi there,
I am not sure if there is something 'wrong' with your DD, but if you feel there is more than 'normal' toddler behaviour then you should trust your feelings.

I think the scenarios you describe can be identified with by most people, however I think there is a difference when it is all the time.

I think what struck me is when you said you have removed all the pens from the house. Most parents have had a toddler draw on things and may well make the pens less obvious, but if you need to remove them from the house then that is one step further which would maybe take it beyond normal.

I have a DD with some SN's. I always knew she was different. What she does is all normal behaviour, however the amount she does them and the speed with which she is dropping (or not dropping) the behaviours is what makes her stand out from her peers.

Maybe have a chat with your HV. And maybe try and look for some alternative ways of disciplining/distracting?

Good luck.

Thank you for the replies.
I think my main issue is not her bahaviours on their own, as they are expected for a toddler e.g wanting independence/ getting frustrated etc but 1) the frequency of these as she's like this all the time and very rarely calm, and 2) her reactions to the behaviour, so if for example she can't get a shoe on, even long after this has been resolved she can still be throwing herself round and screaming, and I mean literally screaming to the point I'm sure she'll end up hoarse.

The frustrating thing is she can express herself very well, her speech is very good and she has excellent comprehension - she can follow complex instructions - when she chooses to.

She's just so extreme. When friends are round she shows off, a common behaviour, but she gets ridiculous dancing, singing, posing - it's very funny at the time but she has this 'high' then when they go home all hell breaks loose and she's tantrumming again.

I'll admit I'm sometimes slow to respond to her especially in the morning as she's up twice in the night every night and needs re settled and I'm still night feeding DC2 so am exhausted but even a rapid response to breakfast gives short lives calm as something else sets her off - she won't for example, just ask if she can have the TV on to watch CBeebies, she just sees that it's still switched off and immediately cries, shouts and falls to the floor shouting for the TV on!

I'm so laid back, calm, quiet...her personality is the opposite of mine in every way and I'm so out of my depth.

I really want to persevere with toddler groups but I do feel judged for having the 'naughty child' and I should ignore it but its hard. And I got 'told off' by a childrens centre worker about a year ago for letting her run around under a parachute instead if going around it like the other children!!! So I found that a bit off putting.

Incidentally her behaviour hasn't really changed since her brother arrived, she was rough with him at first but aside from that, she is the same as she has always been really.

I am definitely going to speak to our HV I think as our days are filled with so much negativity and it's starting to feel quite depressing.

'And I got 'told off' by a childrens centre worker about a year ago for letting her run around under a parachute instead if going around it like the other children!!! '

I understand why you would find that offputting. Not very helpful of him/her

You can turn this around OP, you just need support with it. Talking to Health Visitor would be a great idea. Family Support Worker at Children's Centre will have loads of advice about managing her behaviour as well.

Not sure if this will ring a bell but at around 2 DS started having massive meltdowns, they would go on for up to an hour. He seemed to be unable to get control of himself and would get upset over something tiny (like lint on his top). He became incredibly fussy and particular with his clothes. It was so so hard, any little thing would set him off. I was convinced there was something up with him and was referred to a paediatrician.

She did an assessment and said it was behavioural. I wasn't convinced. This continued until about 3.4 when I started a parenting course and after going through it all, it turned out to be attention seeking behaviour. We've done lots of work on calming down, emotional regulation and ignoring (by me). This worked really well though he has started to revert a bit now, so frustrating!

The parenting course was quite intensive (Incredible Years) but if you can't do the course you can get the book from Amazon or do some reading on emotional regulation. There are also children's books on it.

I am going to say what you don't want to hear though and that is that they taught us that children can't really start to regulate their emotions until they are 3 which is why there are so many extreme toddler reactions.

If you're concerned I would talk to your GP and see if you can get a paediatric referral. You mention she was a difficult baby too - any feeding issues, nappy or skin problems to indicate intolerances or reflux etc?

Re the toddler groups, can you look for one that is not so worried about rules? Or discuss with the leaders beforehand that she won't always stick to the 'rules' and give her some kind of leniency? Either that or stick to ones which are short in duration and don't require enforced sitting. I
always found one o'clock clubs good as you could come and go as you pleased.

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.

I have no proper experience or anything but one thing that struck me from your posts is her sleep patterns...do you think she could be overtired? Maybe you could speak to the HV or your GP about this? Just a thought...

Good luck

I think if you are concerned, go and see your HV. I don't think her 'naughtiness' sounds unusual - DS has been known to slap at me and tantrum when he doesn't get what he wants - but the consistency and the lack of being able to deal with any undesirably situation sounds a little extreme to me.

And maybe, rather than going to toddler groups, take DD to softplay, the swimming pool or a large playground? DS doesn't like toddler groups, but is happy going up and down the same slide, on his own, for approx 45 minutes.

It's interesting that you say you're laid back/calm - I used to be like that! I thought my DC would be the same! Nope - I am now obsessed with routine, timing and structure. That's what DS needs to help have fun, it genuinely is, without it he is miserable and tantrums. It's absolutely not your fault in any way, but I quickly realised that DS would only change if I changed first. Now, with a lot of routine, structure and consistency, he's much more able to deal with disappointment, and at 2.6 can rationalise (i.e. if I have too many bags and can't carry him, he understands, a real breakthrough!)

Good luck!

I am going through the exact same thing.
I was going to write a similar post today but I wasn't brave enough, so well done.
We have good days and bad days. Today was a bad day. I have shouted and I feel like an absolute shit mother.

Just to let you know, you are not alone.

Even though I shouted for something that she knew was naughty (crayon over the wall..not the first time) I still feel bad about it, It just upsets me to see her angry and upset, I feel like I am doing something wrong

My DS was the same at 2yo. At that stage he wasn't sleeping through either, or napping. I was at the end of my tether.

My DParents stepped in and paid for him to start nursey at 2.5yo instead of 3yo. I think it saved my sanity and helped to break the habits of tantrums and unreasonable behaviour. It was only for 2 mornings a week, but it gave me a chance to recharge, take a deep breath and prepare to plunge once more into the fray.

He is still full on and extreme, he is 5yo and we have just had a tantrum about peas. But he settled in beautifully at nursery and, more recently, at school. He is a happy sociable child that loves rules and routines and being in control of those routines. He is thriving and he is much more contented now than he was 3 years ago.

I still have the occasional bad day, but slowly and surely I can see him growing into a very independent, happy and confident little boy.

I really feel for you and fully understand how you can feel bogged down in all the fights and battles. All I can suggest is finding ways of breaking the cycle, doing things to give yourself a boost and make you feel successful and repeat "this too shall pass". Good luck.

thisisyoursong that's really interesting, thanks for sharing. If it continues I may look into parenting classes as it seems they could be useful.

Re. comments about tiredness - yes she is always tired and has just restarted her afternoon nap most days after dropping it about a year ago! So a lot of the behaviour could be due to being overtired.
Also routine is something I think she will benefit from and I need to work on this as I'm not so good with it!

Thanks for commenting sistermatic I do shout too and am angry with myself for losing control. One day we will look back at this as a distant memory, I'm sure. Hopefully time and consistency will help and they'll grow out of it.

I too can empathise OP. My ds is 3.3 and we are just coming through it. I think it is developmental but certainly my ds picked up on my stress (dd is now 8.5 months and we moved house). I would always mean to start the day on a happy note but it would quickly end when the demand for breakfast, different clothes etc started. It felt like we were in a constant cycle of negativity.
I found the only way to deal with it was patience - ignore the bad and reward the good. I would respond only once and let him know that that would be my only response and then I would carry on as normal. It meant that once he did the school run in the freezing rain with shorts and tshirt but he survived.
It is a hard, hard time, made harder by having a dependent baby. Hope it gets easier for you soon.