Problems with 4.6yo DD - *please* help, we're at our wits' end

[MolotovCocktail]

We have 2 DDs aged 4.6yo and 15-and-a-half months.

We're currently experiencing problem behaviour from our 4yo. She is very bright and articulate, is generally happy and has lots of friends. But lately she has become very sulky and often does not listen.

If something is happening that she doesn't like, she bursts into tears, for example: she wanted to play outside this afternoon, but as it was raining, none of her friends were out. Cue sudden and loud tears, then about a 20 minute sulk (sitting very quietly, sullen face and tear-filled eyes).

I'm constantly having to ask if she's listening; to stop playing roughly with her sister; to calm down; to stop sulking. Her behaviour is ruining days together, our weekends as a family. My DH can be sharp with her in response to her behaviour and I don't think that this helps. I dont think he knows how to handle these outbursts and her behaviour sometimes.

To be honest, I'm feeling pretty stressed out and exhausted with it all. I'm more 'softly, softly' but I've literally felt like tearing my hair out this afternoon.

We've started a sticker reward chart, but the threat of removing stickers when her behaviour is below par also can cause poor behaviour. On a plus side, she her behaviour towards her sister has improved with the use of this sticker chart.

Is this typical for a 4yo girl? Is it a phase? What can we do to help her deal with her feelings and handle this better as parents?

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Hah, we are having nearly exactly the same issues with our soon to be 4 DS. It started as all the build up to starting school in September began - settling in sessions, buying uniform, last day of pre-school. I think he was feeling overwhelmed and is also starting to test boundaries.

Soft play and CBeebies help. Apart from that, counting to 3 to get stuff done (like putting shoes on) and use of time out. When I think he isn't listening I make him repeat back my instructions. Offering closed choices, like if there is a complaint about an activity 'this or nothing' works sometimes. We don't accept any conversations said in a whiny tone and insist requests are made nicely.

It isn't a good idea to remove stickers once they have been earned. That tells her that the good is invalidated by the unacceptable and she may conclude that it's not worth trying if she'll just lose them again.

You'd be better identifying more good things and acknowledging them, so she gets lots of positive attention, and withdrawing attention the less acceptable whenever possible.

Ah, yes, the 'counting to 3' trick might work, as well as refusing to speak until she's stopped sulking and/or whining.

She nags a lot, too. And I mean, a lot. That's quite draining, I have to admit.

It's called 'being fouritis and it's tough on everyone.cand she talk about her feelings or is she feeling more than she can verbalise? Emotion pictures might help if she's not able to explain what she's feeling, the tears could easily be frustration - either at what is/isn't happening or her inability to manage/express herself.

More good ideas - thank-you.

I had been wondering about whether taking stickers away was counterproductive: I just feel mean doing it. I'll speak with DH about knocking that on the head.

Emotion pictures are another thing we'll try. She is bright and is a good communicator, but I obviously cannot expect her to vocalise complex feelings.

Thanks again.

I've tried 'gentle hands, please' with her this afternoon and have been as positive and smiley towards her without that being unnatural, IYSWIM.

So far, so good, and I've also told her the new rule for her sticker chart i.e. that they cannot be taken away.

With the other tips on board I'm optimistic that things between us all will improve. Thanks again all for your advice.