Does anyone else feel bad that they're not 'enjoying it all' a bit more?

[Bitzer]

DC are 5 and 3. They should be magical years and we do have some lovely moments and of course I absolutely adore them but I find it really hard to enjoy the moment. There are a lot of melt-downs at the moment and even the simplest thing, a trip to the shop or library feels quite hard work. They're not especially difficult children I don't think, in fact I think objectively speaking the oldest is pretty well-behaved compared to lots of of kids her age but I just really struggle with the constant demands, the squabbling, the moaning, the 3-year-old tantrums, the mess that requires incessant tidying and cleaning. A bit of me hurries through a lot of the things we do just in order to get onto the next thing. I only seem to be able to enjoy it in retrospect. And everywhere I look I seem to be faced with reminders to 'enjoy every minute' because it flies by. I get so anxious about not doing that and I think that compounds the problem, I just don't know how to enjoy it more. Feel like a miserable mother who is always disciplining and issuing threats.

We went to the zoo yesterday, which should have been a great day out. And there were some lovely moments but there was a lot of moaning for ice creams and treats and arguing and I felt so inadequate for not just being able to have a straightforward fun day out with my kids. Would love some advice about how to enjoy it more and make my children feel appreciated. I give them lots of cuddles and tell them how loved they are but I feel that is cancelled out by my grumpiness a lot of the time

My advice is to try and move on from incidents without bearing a grudge iyswim. So if they bicker, have a tantrum etc, deal with it in the moment but don't dwell on it (either aloud to them or in your head) and let it spoil the day. Focus on the positives and don't expect miracles!

Oh Hun. I no it's easy to say but chill a little. I'm sure when u look bk in the future u will feel differently! Wud there ever b a way for u to hav one in one time with ure lo? Cud dad take one or fam or friends? It mite b a little easier. Maybe try to think if 2 good things about each day? It's lovely ure still getting out and about though
Sorry I can't give better advice!

tumble good advice. I should definitely try to do that, I think I'm not focusing on the positives enough and probably expecting too much. I do try but in the moment I get so irritated with them. Possibly a bit down myself.

catherine19 thanks for posting. I think it's partly the summer holidays. Have taken time off work to have the summer with them both but it does mean I have two of them 24/7 (DH works long hours so just sees them for half an hour in the morning). But we could organise some one on one time with each of them at the weekends now and again

It's tough - and pictures/adverts, other media showing us these 'perfect' days out don't help.
As a mum of a 10,7 and 6 year old I'd say;

1. Don't try too hard. Just enjoy their company. If they have a melt down just deal with it quickly. "We are going to have an ice-cream in an hour, wow, look at that elephant!, (if it continues....) please stop making a fuss otherwise you will go in the buggy/won't get an ice cream etc..." and follow through - I'm sure you already do this, but with 3 we had to learn to deal with each 'event' as quickly as possible otherwise it descended into chaos.
2. Manage your expectations. 'Fun' days out at that age are often not that fun (fact!!!), they're bloody hard work. But as they get older they will get easier and you will enjoy them more.
3. Don't compare. I have found over the years the 'perfect' families who seem to be having a 'wonderful' time with impeccably well behaved kids usually have something to hide
4. Don't sweat the small stuff.

It's cold - you think they need a coat on. They don't want one on. Just leave it and move on - they will soon put it on when they are cold enough!!!

1. Don't feel guilt. They won't remember the bad bits, and if they do a few years down the line - they'll laugh at them, you all will. I have proof of that - our most disastrous days out are the ones we and the kids look back on now and giggle about. It's character forming and bonding (strangely enough).
2. Don't hold on to the grudge. So little Jimmy has been a little shit all day - if he gets that you're fed up with him it will only get worse. Lay down the law in words of one syllable. Get the apology. Move on. Ignore any smart ass comments (probably not getting those yet though )

Try not to mull it over too much. You sound like a wonderful Mum and the little darlings are very adept at making us feel failures! Be positive and go into it expecting it to be a good day - in fact say to them 'we are going to have a great day today', positivity is infectious. Even with small children (and my DH ).

I'd say come and join our thread "has parenting affected your mental health?" In chat.
We compare bad times in a non judgey way.
It's helped us all loads.
I feel the same btw.
We are on holiday in France ATM and lurch from moments of sheer joy to desperation and despair.

How bout getting hem to do a 'diary' with them ask them what they enjoyed that day and maybe do a pic and u cud write it. I be it will b interesting what their highlights are. U came across one we did when I was young and one day I wrote about how I helped my grandad find the t bags!

conors thank you so much. What a lovely post and all very good advice. It really is much appreciated.

Has all been stressing me out so much. I feel so terribly guilty about them a lot of the time. To the extent that (and I'm worried this is going to make me sound totally unhinged but anyway) I have waking nightmares about them having terrible accidents or dying and think how utterly unbearable it would be to remember how mean I'd been with them on a daily basis. It's always after they've gone to bed that I dwell on whether I've been too hard on them or whether I've enjoyed and cherished them enough.

I think it's partly just a question of learning to live in the moment. I can see where I'm going wrong, just find it so hard to correct it.

x-post

Ledkr thank you, I will do that

catherine now that is a good idea. I do often ask them what they've enjoyed about the day but I then wonder if that's just a way to assuage my own guilt. A diary is a nice way to do it

3 & 5 year olds are hard work though. I second not putting the pressure on yourself too, same as pp here 3 dc who are now 9, 8and 4. The 4 yo is hard work. Personally I think I enjoy them much more now they are 8&9. It is so much easier when you can have a half decent conversation with them and they can actually do things for themselves.

I remember the pressure to enjoy them while they are that young but I can honestly say that I dont miss that time.

I could have written your post! My 2 boys are 4 and 2 years old. We are away in London for a long weekend. We have had 2 days of a lot of moaning and whining, interspersed with moments of fun and smiles. Today they have been lovely all day, but have played up so much at bedtime.

It IS hard work, isn't it? My advice is perhaps to write your own positives from the day/week in a note book too. It helps you to reflect I think which helps to focus on the positive. Also, easier said than done, but agree with previous post about not dwelling on the bad moments. None of us are prefect all the time (I hope) and we need to be kind to ourselves too.

boysrock thank you - I do hold out some hope that I am like that i.e. that I'm just not so good at the toddler/preschool bit (babyhood was fine) and that I'll be better later on. (Certainly find DD1 a lot easier now and she's just finished the end of reception.)

Mummydoctor I guess that's it. It is moments of fun between all the other stuff. There just seems to be so much pressure to enjoy every minute.

Thanks very much for all your responses. Having a really low/anxious moment and you've all be very helpful. Off to have a soothing bath now

Bitzer - you are welcome! You are not unhinged in the slightest - 99% of the Mum's I have spoken to about it have the same thoughts/nightmares/fears and regrets - it's what makes us try harder and keep on going, it's all part of the maternal instinct ...
In fact the only person I know that doesn't is my DM ... which explains a lot

Agree that many people I have spoken to feel like this, OP.
I do too. Although, at 9 and 4, the ds's are getting easier.
I made a conscious effort to enjoy this summer, because ds2 starts school, and that has helped. Just making a decision to TRY and enjoy them more.

I just have the one 3 year old (nearly 4 now). And I have to say that I can't wait until he is a bit older. Really wishing the years away. I'm not feeling massively guilty about it either.. It's such hard work. Most of our "fun" days out are full of whinging, moaning, complaining, questioning, raging and crying. I need a lie down and paracetamol on return. Madness.

Another here who could have written your post OP. Its so hard isn't it, mine aren't particularly difficult either tbh but it certainly feels like it sometimes. The hot weather hasn't helped the moaning and whining. Some dc do moan and whinge a lot though, and its extremely draining. Dc1 can be like that but is getting better with age, and recently he can communicate more effectively which is really helping. He is nearly 4 and is getting better in telling me what he wants and doesn't want, as opposed to crying and whining like before, and me running around like a loon trying to figure out what exactly is the matter. (I dont pander to him, but he is emotionally immature as pointed out by his nursery, and cries rather than speaking up). However I am anal about mealtimes and bedtime still as tiredness and hunger cause meltdowns in our house.

I usually dread them, but we had a lovely family day out two months ago. In fact it was amazing and I will always look back with fond memories as we had no tantrums/meltdowns/crying with either of the dc. The day couldn't have been more perfect. We have since been out again, but had to cut the trip shorter than planned as dc2 was having a bad teething day. But i've realised I do need to lower my expectations, things can never run as smoothly or anywhere near as perfectly as they did pre-dc. The dc will not be able to express themselves properly for another good few years, so meltdowns are their way of showing me they are unhappy. Drives me crazy but its part and parcel of toddlerhood and I agree its hard not to turn grumpy. I do look back at my carefree, no responsibility years and get misty eyed, but the dc are my life now and want to be a positive role model for them, rather than the person who would get fed up with them over the littlest things.

I agree with a pp who said not to let a tantrum spoil your day, I visualize myself as a showjumper with the meltdowns as fences, and I try not to let the daily hurdles bring me down. The bigger the fence/hurdle the bigger my final prize ie size of chocolate after dc's bedtime

I just think the age of 3-5 is hard in general TBH, having to deal with two of them must be doubly tough!

All of us have stages which we'd love to hold on to and those we wish we could fast forward - it's a shame we can't swap and play to our strengths (That's a joke!)

On this holiday having the time to ponder things more, I have tried to see things through the dcs eyes more and it's helped. I also find my two year old responds very well to a cuddle and some reassurance when whining or tantrumming. It's been a revelation but very hard to do in normal rat race life!

I know what you mean about seeing 'perfect family days' everywhere...Facebook seems the worst for me! Status' about fun activities indoors with the children, photos of snuggles on the sofa.

I don't get this with DS. Outdoor activities - I have the golden child. He never whines, cries, tantrums when out, he even loves popping to the local shop.

At home though. Arghh! Demands, whinges, activities are met with disappointment, films are a huge no no, train tracks destroyed. You get the picture! Today, rainy and miserable has been Very. Hard. Work.

You're not alone in feeling like this. No advice really, just letting you know there are others out there!

I know how you feel - and I've only got the one so far! It starts from the moment they're born too: "enjoy this time, it's so precious". Hmm, I feel like I've been hit by a bus, I leak from EVERYWHERE, I've got this tiny being I have no idea how to look after, and I'm getting no sleep!

He's 23mo now btw

On a more serious note, I've just bought the book Buddhism for mothers following a recommendation on here. All about living in the moment, and not too much about Buddhism if that's not your thing.

You're not helping my indecision about ttc no.2 though!

Ages 3 and 5 are such hard work. You are so normal

The 'glory' years of parenting (IMO) are yet to come - 7, 8, 9 - able to play without intervention, have reasonable conversations, understand explanations, be physically capable and still be fairly innocent and easily amused. Parenting gets a lot better than where you're at now IMO.

Then again, I haven't had a teenager yet, so things could go backwards...

All the best for the rest of your hols!

Just returned from a holiday to France and the first 3 days felt like torture- I didn't actually know how I was going to cope for the remainder. Dh walked around those first few days in virtual shell shock. We had been looking forward to it so much and (dh more than me though) held an ideal vision before we went it would be all idyllic meals out eating crepes, perfect days on the beach and dh and I drinking red wine peacefully on the veranda after dcs' bedtime...well, we did drink a lot of red wine, put it that way...

Ds is nearly 4 and dd nearly 2 - delightful at heart but so so needy and hardwork in different ways. Ds is relentlessly demanding and dd is into the terrible twos at full tilt already. The hol did get better but dh and I had a few heart to hearts about how to enjoy our time with them better.

I can't help but thinking sometimes that just having one child is so much easier - much of our issues are because the two if them wind each other up something chronic- but then I feel terrible as the moments they get on are magical.

I do try and 'force' myself into a happy and positive frame of mind which does help somewhat. It's not altogether foolproof though- this morning I put on some music on loud and started dancing (which they love) even though I was shattered but even that turned into a melee as ds got jealous of dd holding my hand and tried to push her out the way etc, etc...tried to remain upbeat and laugh it off but the morning culminated in me shouting at ds for acting spoilt because he complained that the venue I've booked for his birthday next month is "too small for all my friends". Bless him, his face crumpled and bottom lip quivered saying "I want a cuddle". How bad did I feel?! I feel like I have maternal schizophrenia sometimes!

Just wanted to say you're not alone...

Btw... I'm probably guilty of being a mother who posts 'idyllic' family pics on FB. I never schmaltz on about wonderful days or anything but to an outsider who doesn't really see my two dc day in day out then it might look that way. I do it for family members though, not as a smug mother thing. Everyone who really knows me, understands the backchat, bickering and demands are the soundtrack to my real life.

folks, thank you - I was away for a few days visiting family (long train journeys either way?) so have just come back to this thread. Thank you so much for all your posts. It really does help to know you're not alone. I'm trying v hard to be positive, not obsess about the state of the house etc and just 'enjoy'. I especially like the showjumper image - thanks for this bornthiscrazy.

spongingbob loved your bit about the dancing up and down to lively music. We do that A LOT to try and stave off the grumps.