Was this cruel...? Feeling like a bad mum :(

[fromheretomaternity]

Ds (5) was really playing up today - pushed his brother over in the library, then started demanding ice cream and refusing to go home until I caved in. I told him I would count to ten then if he didn't listen I would put the sweets we had just bought in the bin.

I counted, he didn't listen, I binned the sweets.

He was in floods of tears, I had to drag him home. We played together after that and he was fine but I feel terrible now - to bin a child's sweets seems so mean - I am worried he will remember it as a really sad childhood memory.

Am I overreacting in worrying about it? How bad was it? I can't help feeling I went too far.

You done good as far as I'm concerned, don't threaten if you won't see it through and nothing wrong with punishing bad behaviour.

I think that's the sign of a good mum. Bad mums give in.

He probably will remember it! But that's not necessarily a bad thing. It does seem a bit mean, but you have to be mean sometimes :( It's hard. They are so testing aren't they?

Personally I don't think it's cruel, although its difficult to say whether the punishment fit the crime(s) so to speak. But once you give out a request with consequences, then I do believe that you should follow through, otherwise it's just an empty threat.

The only other thing I'd have done (which you may well have done), is to have a conversation with him about what happened and why, once he'd calmed down. Don't worry though - I'm sure he won't remember it as a significant hardship from his childhood

No, you gave a threat and carried it through, which is good.

Believe me I have done a lot worse over the past 30 years and my DC have turned out ok.

Your DS might remember as he gets older but when he's old enough he will understand.

I once gave my older 2 girls 1 hour to tidy up their videos or any still out the box would go in the bin. About 15 went in the bin!

I have also binned new clothes and toys, cancelled parties, days out etc

I do have to be really angry though to get to that point, but if I say I will do something then I won't back down and they always had at least 3 warnings before the threats came out.

On other occasions I have threatened but not followed through - and I know that's bad.

Think I need to be more careful about what I threaten , and make sure it's credible and something I'm willing to do, if needed. I didn't have to do the bin thing, I could have just said that I would confiscate for a day or two.

You did just fine.

Sweets in the bin isn't the end of the world (unlike a favourite toy or something!!).

You do have to 'follow through' and until now you haven't so it must have taken him by surprise!

But yes, a) make sure it is something you are fully prepared to do and b) isn't going to impact on YOU more than them!!

Yep definitely always follow through. I have done that before though. Threatened something ridiculous and then thought "Shit, I can't actually do that!" it's no good because then they start to think it doesn't matter what you say, you don't do it anyway.

If you find yourself threatening unrealistic/unfair things a lot it can help to have something set which you know you will do - I'm currently using TV bans which are working well! You can just increase it if they carry on misbehaving.

I don't like throwing things away personally because I feel it's a waste, but I have done it (or hidden it making him think that I'd done it) or I sometimes do it with things I'm not bothered about, like sticks! Bloody sticks in the house.

If you have more time to think about it I think it helps to make the consequence something that either is modelling the right thing to do (e.g. time out can work really well when they need to calm down/removal from a situation) or which shows them something about why it is wrong (like getting them to try and clean the permanent marker off their wardrobe) or which tries to make it right (like taking pocket money to replace a broken item) or doing one/two/all three of these things without punishing at all is a bonus as long as the message gets through! - Why is it wrong/bad, What they should do instead and How they can make it right.

If you have a high shelf/cupboard too that can help! I don't threaten most stuff to go in the bin any more but if I threaten something going in the cupboard it's an instant motivator! Probably because I forget about it for months

You have to carry out a threat so they learn, and like others have said it wasn't a favourite toy or anything.

However on the occasions I give my DC sweets I do feel I have to suck up any over excitable behaviour given they are just high on sugar.. I'll likely get slated now, but perhaps giving sweets before a trip to a library wasn't the greatest idea?

I think you've done really well, although I appreciate that you now feel bad in retrospect!

You are doing exactly what a good parent does: you set clear boundaries and tell the child what the consequences will be if they break those boundaries. And, most importantly, you have stuck to those boundaries.

A+

I think it sounds absolutely fine. Being obnoxious about demanding treats = not having any treats at all. It sounds like a proportionate and logical consequence to me.

You're not a bad mum. You followed through with your threat.

I use the 3 warning system and I have a "red box" (basically a red toy box) where if they don't behave their favourite toys go for 30/60 minutes etc depending on how misbehaved they've been. I rarely use it so when I do they know mama means business.

Yes you did the right thing. You are a good mum. They've got to learn to behave some how. I refer back to things like that sometimes as well. I say to my ds "Behave yourself please, because do you remember last time when I had to take you home early?" etc. Sometimes, it works and he is good. :)