8y old son can't cope with changes in his expectations.

[JoJO2005]

My 8 year old son just cannot seem to cope when something happens that he doesn't want/isn't expecting.

If he is playing a game and begins to lose/is out/thinks a rule is being broken/is accused of breaking a rule, he can't cope with the situation. There will be instant screeching at the other person that they are wrong. If the other person does not back down he will scream, cry, shout and stomp away; exclaiming to anyone who will listen that the other person is picking on him/cheating/being horrible.

If he is asked to do something he doesn't want to he will strop and sulk about it, ruining any chance he might have of enjoying the situation. For example: this afternoon I said we were going to go out and play in the back garden, to get some air. His 4 year old sister skipped out happily. He, however, protested that he didn't want to go out and play. I said he could play with me, or his sister. I said he could sit in the shade and read a book if he liked, but we'd been in the house all day so we were goin out for some fresh air. He stomped off to sit on the decking, arms folded and face like thunder. When I pointed out that he'd probably be happier sitting there with a book he shouted "FINE!" and stomped off to get one. His sister asked for help with the blow up pirate ship she was playing in so he went to help (I could see he wanted to play) after a little while I asked him to come here so I could put some sun cream on him. I was doing so gently but he was stropping so much about it that he ended up elbowing me with both arms. When I told him off he stormed inside, screaming and shouting. When I went to talk to him about it he insisted he had not been sulking or stropping (he is able to explain to me what these behaviours are) and was utterly convinced I was being nasty to him and told me I was lying.

He has also had trouble at school. He insists some children are picking on him and, the sad thing is, they probably are. I know these children and their flaws. I know my child too though. After discussing incidents with my son and his teachers I can see that trouble almost always stems from my son not getting what he wants and stropping/sulking about it. The other children then tease him about it. They shouldn't, but then he shouldn't be behaving the way he is either and they are probably sick of it spoiling their games.

I have worked with children for 12 years now, am a teacher, and am qualified to masters level. I know how to talk to, and parent a child. I have tried helping him with conflict resolution at home (the way he speaks to and treats his sister can be disgusting) and have been very patient and understanding with him. I have been firm but fair in situations and have really tried to model appropriate behaviour for him. All to no avail. I know children in terms of education and development. I don't know too much about any medical or psychological factors that could be causing this though. Any ideas please? I am really worried for his future because he will never form strong bonds with others or enjoy his life if this continues.

It is also worth mentioning that he is very bright. His reading is levelled at 3 academic years above what it should be, is numeracy and literacy are two academic years above what they should be. This is without doing anything at home, other than reading together every night.

I am open to any advice, constructive criticism is welcome if it is a genuine effort to help.

Thanks

well, i don't like to internet-diagnose, but he sounds a lot like my son who has Aspergers/high functioning autism

This is what I was afraid of. I have worked with many different autistic children but the first time i have worked with a child with asperger's has been in the past few months, and I was starting to see some similarities.

One thing that has confused me is that, from the age of about 18 months, his teachers/nursery workers and other adults have always commented on how articulate he is. He has an outstanding vocabulary and can hold very polite, thoughtful conversations with adults. He does seem much more comfortable talking to adults though. I noticed that when he has friends over he ends up doing his own thing after a while, or coming to find the grown ups to talk to.

I suppose the best thing to do is just go and see my GP.

Hi, I'm a teacher that dosent qualify me to tell you what's wrong bit if it was a student at my school we would probably assume some kind of aspergers/autisim and have a educational psyychologist do some tests. Surprising that by 8 you and school wouldn't have picked up on this already so maybe im way out. Has anyone mentioned autisim to you before now? Have you suspected anything yourself?

Sorry cross post with you OP. yes best to see GP. If it is aspergers then very mild perhaps. It's great he communicates well. That's a good sign. Good luck x

My Dd3 has Asd which presents like aspergers, she has always been very chatty and and has a great vocab. Some children with aspergers are described as little professors because of the way they talk and their interests.

Struggling socially is very hard and trying to be in control of all situations is going to effect his ability to socialise properly. If I were you I would do a bit of reading I recommend Tony Attwood's Complete Guide To Aspergers and keep a diary of his behaviours, what causes them (if you know) and how you deal with them (to show you are consistant). If you are still worried then I would go to your GP and request a referral to a developmental paediatrician.

If you want to ask any specific questions you could pop over to the special needs children board there are a few of us over there with lots of experience of Asd/Autism/Aspergers.

Good luck

Sorry meant to say the the Tony Attwood book should be available in your library

"He has an outstanding vocabulary and can hold very polite, thoughtful conversations with adults. He does seem much more comfortable talking to adults though. I noticed that when he has friends over he ends up doing his own thing after a while, or coming to find the grown ups to talk to."

that is a "symptom" of Aspergers! my son is the same, always prefers talking to adults and ppl often comment on how articulate he is. It's difficult because it makes him appear older than he is, but behaviour-wise he is far behind his peers

Thanks for the advice.

In response to sweetiepie: His school are not used to coming into contact with children with extra needs or disabilities much past dyslexia. Their SENCo doesn't have much on her plate! As his difficulties only present themselves in the playground, and he does so well academically, I'm not surprised they haven't said anything.

I have always thought he was a bit of a grump, and a little odd to be honest! It has gotten worse as he has become older though. His dad can be the same, so I wondered if it was learned behaviour. I have often wondered if something went undiagnosed with my husband, because we seem to forever be reading each other's expressions and tones wrong and he is incapable of articulating his problems/frustrations. He also can't cope with changes in his expectations. I have had to find ways to work around it.

I don't know. It's harder to work out what's going on with your own children I think. You're too close to it all.

Thanks for the advice/encouragement :)

I think symptoms become more obvious as children get older because when they are little they often cant cope with change or have little obsessions. By the time children get to 8 ish we begin to expect them to be able to cope and those with Asd/Aspergers begin to stand out.

One of the best bits of advice I was given was to treat Dd3 as if she did have Asd even before she was diagnosed. We introduced some strategies recommended and immediately noticed a difference in her stress levels and consequently her behaviour . You cant do any harm by using the stragegies and you might make yours and his lives easier.

Good luck

totally agree with ineedmorepatience it's definitely been our experience with DS1 that as he has got older the differences have become more obvious and the expectations of him higher.

Thanks. We need to do something differently!

Oh my goodness! You could be describing my son!

We too have had suspicions, but for a while longer. I was always dismissed. I asked a teacher and she just said she couldn't say no, but did nothing about it. :(

In the end, we were approached by the leader of one of his groups he attends and asked if we had ever had him assessed. At that point I then by passed the teacher and went straight to the senco, who has been fantastic. They are getting the ep in, but that can't happen for a while as the waiting list is so long. The senco also came with me to the gp and the gp is also referring us, just to cover all bases.

Good luck if you decide to go to the gp and I am happy to chat via pm anytime as we both embark on this massive journey!

DD was the same, she didn't have any test done, it was a while ago but teachers did point out some issues. I can remember the strops when something was done out of step with what she expected and the relating to adults better than her peers.

She is grown up now and everything is fine. I would have the tests done on hindsight.

Thanks guys. Feeling better, even if it is a bit overwhelming at the moment! I will book in with the GP and see where that leads.

The school have a lovely, supportive community so I'm sure they will do whatever they can to help.

I'll let you know.

Good luck IsotopeMe, let me know how you get on :)

def pop over to the special needs board if you need any help and advice :)

Spoke to my husband about it and he just said he was exactly the same as a child. I did an on-line aspergers test on him and his score was 35. 21 - 32 was borderline. I scored 5!!

All I can say is... This explains a lot! I've said to him before that I thought something wasn't quite right when he tries to argue a point.

I'm booking in at the doctors tomorrow!

On the plus side; my husband is a very loving husband and father and a successful business man. So not all bad!

There are lots of positives so dont feel too down.

My Dd3 can be hard work, she likes her rules and routines and she is controlling at times of stress.

She is also sweet, funny and a loyal friend. She is loving in her own way and extremely attached to me which while it can be wearing is also nice as she is my baby.

She is gradually gaining some independence and has joined cubs and is about to move on to scouts. She has even been away with them.

If your Ds does have Aspergers or Asd getting a diagnosis can only help him. dont let people tell you that having a "label" is a negative thing. For us it has only been positive. Dd3 is better understood by people now and not thought of a stubborn or naughty.

Good luck

I wasn't gonna say but since everyone wlse has, yes hes just like my asd son! My son scored in the 30's on that test and i scored 23!!!! My brother would probably score 40! But hes undiagnosed. Ot def runs in families. I am trained as an autism teaching assistant and all the aspie kids including my son were highly verbal that i worked with. My son could read most anything at 3! I just wanted to say though, that if he was diagnosed (and he may not be) theres nothing to worry about. You just have to shift your mindset a little when working out how to deliver surprises etc. But you know what? Although it took me many years of hard work and upset, i now love the fact my son has aspergers. He has some amazing gifts and talents. He's 10 and can design and do basic programming for games on computer already! I honestly believe that in the modern conputer age, aspies will come in to their own. My boy is awesome and so is yours i bet. If you need specific ideas or strategies to help him manage different situations, pm me and i can try help. I've pretty much gone through the lot with my boy.

Since we talked my husband has looked up Aspergers and he said that so many of the things he's read he could relate to. He read about childhood and adolescent traits and said he was just like that growing up.

I'll take my son to see a professional. It can't do any harm, whether he is diagnosed or not. My main concern is getting him some support to deal with his social struggles. I know what I'm doing when it comes to helping children with conflict resolution, so if I can't do it I need to learn a different approach.